deeper and then more...
ok, this has got me thinking of all kinds of other explanations and solutions to my quandary. the one time i magnificently attracted someone to my self, the time i found the woman that i went on to marry, i acted out of desperation. i was 19 years old and felt that my life as a devout Christian man had failed. i had become addicted to the use of marijuana and was starting to suffer severe depression; the first hallmark and tell tale signs of the development of bipolar disorder in my life. i clung to the hope of experiencing a God inspired and spirit driven life, yet stood on the precipice of failure because I could not attract a woman to love and be loved by. i never had a girl friend in high school but when i was around the age of 18, one girl that did want to be intimate with me sort of freaked me out.
too much religion in my head during the years of my teens made me uncomfortable with the logistics of becoming intimate with a girl once the opportunity was presented to myself. in retrospect, i think what freaked me out was the differences in our ages. i was now 18 and on the verge of having to figure out my life and this precious young girl was still in high school. that division line, that put us in opposing life and age brackets made me uncomfortable and i rejected her.
there had been one other girl that I had a strong connection to when I was in high school. there was a physical attraction as well as a spiritual connection. and we were the same age. if i had been able to develop a relationship with her as boyfriend/girlfriend, like I truly seemed destined to, i think the whole outcome of my ability to interrelate with women the rest of my life would be different, that I could successfully have girlfriends. but something very unfair happened to that friendship. the jealousy sprouted in another girl in high school that wanted me for their boy friend, someone I had no attraction in that way towards, launched a plot to tear me and this girl apart. the attack was so vile and it was spurred in such a way that i appeared as the culprit, MY girl was never able to trust me again. i lost her, and my ability to genuinely approach and engender trust in other women I'd meet (and felt attraction towards) in my life again was jinxed.
the act of desperation that led me to the woman i would marry was actually quite cinematic. i put myself in a do-or-die situation telling God that if He did not lead me to someone that would care for me, a loving Christian wife, that i would not be able to take care of myself. that i would succumb to my addiction to drugs and alcohol and that the depression would eventually pull me under. and it worked. i went off on a lark to Ireland in search of a wife. i told everyone that i met on that trip that God had led me there to find a wife. i guess if you do that, put yourself out on a limb in the name of God, something has got to shake loose. desperation delivered me. and i got a temporary reprieve on the fate that i am now facing again.
the valuable reward of the marriage i entered into was the life of my son. (the woman i married was incapable of genuinely loving me). if he had never been born, and were not still alive today and living a victorious life, i fear that i would not be here now either. invisible connections of spirit are empowering and can sustain life. still, no matter how many people there are out in the world that have positive and affirming thoughts about you, when you live alone and don't have healthy social interactions to nourish your soul's health, loneliness burns and will eventually prevail.
these thoughts today are leading me to think that i just need to resign to a new fate. that my yearnings to be a writer, to create and tell stories, good stories, write good books, i could become a great writer if i would shut off my desires to find things (love) in the world, because i'm not going to anyway, and just put all my energy into writing these stories. i am going to die anyway, right? i should just hunker down and focus on one task and do it the best that i can before i do die. quit looking for love. quit wanting love. and just burn all of my frustrated energy into words. go deeper into my cave. go deeper into the dark. yes...
i'll never write as greatly as Samuel Beckett did, but i could aspire to be as miserable a bastard as he was.
too much religion in my head during the years of my teens made me uncomfortable with the logistics of becoming intimate with a girl once the opportunity was presented to myself. in retrospect, i think what freaked me out was the differences in our ages. i was now 18 and on the verge of having to figure out my life and this precious young girl was still in high school. that division line, that put us in opposing life and age brackets made me uncomfortable and i rejected her.
there had been one other girl that I had a strong connection to when I was in high school. there was a physical attraction as well as a spiritual connection. and we were the same age. if i had been able to develop a relationship with her as boyfriend/girlfriend, like I truly seemed destined to, i think the whole outcome of my ability to interrelate with women the rest of my life would be different, that I could successfully have girlfriends. but something very unfair happened to that friendship. the jealousy sprouted in another girl in high school that wanted me for their boy friend, someone I had no attraction in that way towards, launched a plot to tear me and this girl apart. the attack was so vile and it was spurred in such a way that i appeared as the culprit, MY girl was never able to trust me again. i lost her, and my ability to genuinely approach and engender trust in other women I'd meet (and felt attraction towards) in my life again was jinxed.
the act of desperation that led me to the woman i would marry was actually quite cinematic. i put myself in a do-or-die situation telling God that if He did not lead me to someone that would care for me, a loving Christian wife, that i would not be able to take care of myself. that i would succumb to my addiction to drugs and alcohol and that the depression would eventually pull me under. and it worked. i went off on a lark to Ireland in search of a wife. i told everyone that i met on that trip that God had led me there to find a wife. i guess if you do that, put yourself out on a limb in the name of God, something has got to shake loose. desperation delivered me. and i got a temporary reprieve on the fate that i am now facing again.
the valuable reward of the marriage i entered into was the life of my son. (the woman i married was incapable of genuinely loving me). if he had never been born, and were not still alive today and living a victorious life, i fear that i would not be here now either. invisible connections of spirit are empowering and can sustain life. still, no matter how many people there are out in the world that have positive and affirming thoughts about you, when you live alone and don't have healthy social interactions to nourish your soul's health, loneliness burns and will eventually prevail.
these thoughts today are leading me to think that i just need to resign to a new fate. that my yearnings to be a writer, to create and tell stories, good stories, write good books, i could become a great writer if i would shut off my desires to find things (love) in the world, because i'm not going to anyway, and just put all my energy into writing these stories. i am going to die anyway, right? i should just hunker down and focus on one task and do it the best that i can before i do die. quit looking for love. quit wanting love. and just burn all of my frustrated energy into words. go deeper into my cave. go deeper into the dark. yes...
i'll never write as greatly as Samuel Beckett did, but i could aspire to be as miserable a bastard as he was.
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