careful words...
not sure i really want to write this for everyone to read, but it is something on my heart and i think it would be worse for me to ignore it and let it fade away, or worse yet, burn inside of me.
I watched "Brokeback Mountain" last night, for the very first time. Yeah, I had hesitancy about watching it too, like a lot of American men have. I finally decided to watch it though because of Heath Ledger's death last week. It really is an amazing story, and film. One thing that I was surprised to learn was that Heath's real-life wife, Michelle Williams was his wife in the film. The sadness she gave imagery to in the film must regrettably be realistic in her real life now.
Well, there is one scene late in the film when Heath's grown daughter (he had been divorced from his wife and living alone for over 10 years at this point) and asked him if he would ever marry again. That they were concerned about him being happy, and that living single (alone, lonely) would not provide that happiness for him. And I selfishly reflected on my own lone condition. Although no one ever says to me "why don't you marry again...".
Maybe the reason why I don't marry (or have a girl friend, or boy friend, or a pet dog...) is deadly obvious. (can't bring myself to utter any words of description here because the pain it would expose is more than i want to bear right now)...
Well, yesterday I totally by chance met someone that sparked interest and desire in me. I was at Starbuttz in Danville minding my own business. I now work with my face to the wall and my back to the door when I go there so that I am not seeing everyone that comes inside. I'm there to do my work, not to socialize. Even though that is really what I should be doing as I have no other place where I socialize at all. Anyway, two young women slipped into my peripheral vision and I just had to make a double take.
They were not "by the rules" Danville ladies. The one that especially caught my eye had long, brunette dreadlocks. The other had long brunette hair too, but was dressed more like someone that lives in Berkeley or Santa Cruz would be dressed. I ignored them as well as I could.
But my curiosity could not be eased. Oh, and funny, but the night before when I was with Jeff (we played chess, got burgers, and hung out for hours in the same Starbuttz) I started joking with Jeff and changed the name of my city from "San Ramon" to "Hell Ramon". I complained that it was like living in a prison or a hell because there are no people in my town that are friendly or attractive to me. I am a creature trapped here from a different land and there are no others like me here.
So I kept my back turned to these unusual, yet peculiarly attractive young women, hoping that they would just get up and leave before I became even more curious. I did get my new business cards recently and was eager to share them with potential models, but see, I've got that new strategy going now too; that I don't want to shoot any more models that would distract me from that path of my writing. But hmmm, these girls don't have that "fashion model" dilemma going on, maybe I could ask them? I actually got up, went outside (where they were sitting) and made a phone call so that I could stand closer to get a better look at them.
Big mistake. Now I couldn't resist. And see, this is another dilemma. Do I cower and feel worse about myself by not being confident enough to walk up to strangers and offer my ideas? Yeah, that would have been worse and I am actually very glad that I did not go that way. That would have been defeatism and a low blow to my self worth. So I just went for it. I didn't prepare a big speech and didn't really think that they would be interested. Most times when I approach strangers and ask them about modeling for my project I never hear from anyone again.
Well, I walked up to them and stuttering, gave me little schpiel, I'm a local photographer and working on a project for my novel, blah blah blah... I wasn't even going to look in their eyes or get comfortable enough to answer questions or explain myself more. "Here is my card, look at my website, if you like my style and would be interested in modeling, email me..." But uh oh, they were interested and started asking questions. "Are you girls actually from Danville?" One was from Danville but now lived in Capitola. She was actually the one that showed the most interest. Her name is "Neesha", not the girl with the dreadlocks. And I went on to say to her that there is a cemetery in Felton that I want to photograph someone at. She really perked up.
I kept looking at the girl with the dreadlocks though. And she was looking at me, smiling. And I just got to look into her eyes for a few seconds. That was all it took. I saw that she was an angel. Her face was glowing. And then she bombshelled me. She too lives in "Hell Ramon". Well, she called it by it's saintly name, angel that she is. I have never seen anyone like her in my town though. In all the time I've lived here, never.
Soooo, I've been waiting since this time yesterday to get an email or phone call from one or the other of them telling me they want to do the project. This morning I actually woke up and called out her name; "Helen". I have actually started to think that I could fall in love with this girl. And that is where this story starts to go bad.
I can't fall in love. Not again. Not with anyone. I lose all power of defense when I fall in love. I become the most vulnerable creature on this planet, and well, I just don't have the strength of body, mind or spirit to suffer another heartbreak. I feel like my condition is so fragile, my health, my position in the world, my mental stability, that if I were to have to go through a serious heartbreak that it could break me completely. The heartbreak I went through just 10 months ago nearly entirely broke me, and that was not a "love" worth being upset over in the least.
So now I am entirely torn. What if this girl could love me... and I don't allow myself a chance? Is it worse to totally deny the possibility of ever loving again and die a dried up and bitter, sad man? Or better to take the chance of hoping that things could be different and maybe work out.
Right now I am taking the cowardly attitude of hoping that I will never hear from or see her again. That is the most likely outcome anyway. It would be the fates that caused anything different to occur.
I watched "Brokeback Mountain" last night, for the very first time. Yeah, I had hesitancy about watching it too, like a lot of American men have. I finally decided to watch it though because of Heath Ledger's death last week. It really is an amazing story, and film. One thing that I was surprised to learn was that Heath's real-life wife, Michelle Williams was his wife in the film. The sadness she gave imagery to in the film must regrettably be realistic in her real life now.
Well, there is one scene late in the film when Heath's grown daughter (he had been divorced from his wife and living alone for over 10 years at this point) and asked him if he would ever marry again. That they were concerned about him being happy, and that living single (alone, lonely) would not provide that happiness for him. And I selfishly reflected on my own lone condition. Although no one ever says to me "why don't you marry again...".
Maybe the reason why I don't marry (or have a girl friend, or boy friend, or a pet dog...) is deadly obvious. (can't bring myself to utter any words of description here because the pain it would expose is more than i want to bear right now)...
Well, yesterday I totally by chance met someone that sparked interest and desire in me. I was at Starbuttz in Danville minding my own business. I now work with my face to the wall and my back to the door when I go there so that I am not seeing everyone that comes inside. I'm there to do my work, not to socialize. Even though that is really what I should be doing as I have no other place where I socialize at all. Anyway, two young women slipped into my peripheral vision and I just had to make a double take.
They were not "by the rules" Danville ladies. The one that especially caught my eye had long, brunette dreadlocks. The other had long brunette hair too, but was dressed more like someone that lives in Berkeley or Santa Cruz would be dressed. I ignored them as well as I could.
But my curiosity could not be eased. Oh, and funny, but the night before when I was with Jeff (we played chess, got burgers, and hung out for hours in the same Starbuttz) I started joking with Jeff and changed the name of my city from "San Ramon" to "Hell Ramon". I complained that it was like living in a prison or a hell because there are no people in my town that are friendly or attractive to me. I am a creature trapped here from a different land and there are no others like me here.
So I kept my back turned to these unusual, yet peculiarly attractive young women, hoping that they would just get up and leave before I became even more curious. I did get my new business cards recently and was eager to share them with potential models, but see, I've got that new strategy going now too; that I don't want to shoot any more models that would distract me from that path of my writing. But hmmm, these girls don't have that "fashion model" dilemma going on, maybe I could ask them? I actually got up, went outside (where they were sitting) and made a phone call so that I could stand closer to get a better look at them.
Big mistake. Now I couldn't resist. And see, this is another dilemma. Do I cower and feel worse about myself by not being confident enough to walk up to strangers and offer my ideas? Yeah, that would have been worse and I am actually very glad that I did not go that way. That would have been defeatism and a low blow to my self worth. So I just went for it. I didn't prepare a big speech and didn't really think that they would be interested. Most times when I approach strangers and ask them about modeling for my project I never hear from anyone again.
Well, I walked up to them and stuttering, gave me little schpiel, I'm a local photographer and working on a project for my novel, blah blah blah... I wasn't even going to look in their eyes or get comfortable enough to answer questions or explain myself more. "Here is my card, look at my website, if you like my style and would be interested in modeling, email me..." But uh oh, they were interested and started asking questions. "Are you girls actually from Danville?" One was from Danville but now lived in Capitola. She was actually the one that showed the most interest. Her name is "Neesha", not the girl with the dreadlocks. And I went on to say to her that there is a cemetery in Felton that I want to photograph someone at. She really perked up.
I kept looking at the girl with the dreadlocks though. And she was looking at me, smiling. And I just got to look into her eyes for a few seconds. That was all it took. I saw that she was an angel. Her face was glowing. And then she bombshelled me. She too lives in "Hell Ramon". Well, she called it by it's saintly name, angel that she is. I have never seen anyone like her in my town though. In all the time I've lived here, never.
Soooo, I've been waiting since this time yesterday to get an email or phone call from one or the other of them telling me they want to do the project. This morning I actually woke up and called out her name; "Helen". I have actually started to think that I could fall in love with this girl. And that is where this story starts to go bad.
I can't fall in love. Not again. Not with anyone. I lose all power of defense when I fall in love. I become the most vulnerable creature on this planet, and well, I just don't have the strength of body, mind or spirit to suffer another heartbreak. I feel like my condition is so fragile, my health, my position in the world, my mental stability, that if I were to have to go through a serious heartbreak that it could break me completely. The heartbreak I went through just 10 months ago nearly entirely broke me, and that was not a "love" worth being upset over in the least.
So now I am entirely torn. What if this girl could love me... and I don't allow myself a chance? Is it worse to totally deny the possibility of ever loving again and die a dried up and bitter, sad man? Or better to take the chance of hoping that things could be different and maybe work out.
Right now I am taking the cowardly attitude of hoping that I will never hear from or see her again. That is the most likely outcome anyway. It would be the fates that caused anything different to occur.
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