LIFE: subject to change... {continued}
there is something very strange happening to me. this novel, this creature inside of me that yearns to be heard is stirring and troubling me; yet again. it has a spirit, a living breathing personality that is in reality "me". i'm not sure how to please it other than let it have the life it desires, by writing it.
i feel like soon i will just put the camera equipment away. all the energy i put into creating images has stolen away my spirit from my writing. pretty pictures are one thing and can only say so much. a picture is worth a thousand words? i don't think so. 1000 words can say soo much more than any picture. at least the pictures that i have created aren't so vocal.
this whole thing with the "Cemetery Girl" photo sets got way out of hand. they were starting to lead to a place that i could go, being a portrait photographer, and that is still something i may do on the side, but i got caught up in a manic wind of wanting to do nothing but shoot more and more and more models. i mean, like i said, i could do that. but it is a trap for me. it will not fulfill my need to express myself with words. i am actually glad that i have had this realization so early on in this process before i made commitments to the photography that would have been more difficult to escape from. as it stands now i have to break appointments with three professional models that were counting on me to shoot them.
see, this is also part of what happened. my work started to attract professionals. i don't want to shoot professionals. that detracts from the innocent and genuine nature of what i was trying to capture in my models. i have one more hopeful Cemetery Girl photo shoot scheduled for this coming Thursday. it is the 16 year old daughter of one of my oldest friends. i feel like this could be the ultimate capture of the spirit of my character and i hope that i will feel that i no longer need to shoot any more. this photographic visualization i feel is key to opening a door for me to enter deeper into my understanding of "her"; a means to help me connect with her more strongly so that i can see and feel and hear all that she is. then i will be able to merge directly with her spirit so that she can clearly speak through me and i can get this story written.
i have not looked at my notes about my novel in several months. when i started to look at them again last night and today i am actually shocked at the what an amazingly intricate and detailed outline i have already completed. honest to goodness dear readers, this is a story that will truly blow the minds of all who read it. picking it up again now i am troubled by the last troubles i struggled with when i last worked with it... how do i tell the story.
i am afraid of two things; making the telling too complex, and making the telling too simple. well, straight out i cannot tell it simply. there is no simple way to tell this story. to simplify it in order to attract more readers, and that is the only reason why i would tell the story simply, will totally deflate the magnitude of this story's complexity. but to make the understanding of the story simpler i think i have to create a structure that is complex.
what i mean by that is i need to tell the story on a variety of levels with a variety of voices. there will be the narrative story line which will explain the course of events. but i am also going to have an entirely different level/section that tells the story through the main characters private journals... these journal entries will be referenced to by either mid-chapter footnotes or end of chapter ibids.
there may be sections too, where other narrators will take over speaking. for instance, when the ghost of Eugene O'Neill needs to tell his part of the story i want "him" to be the speaker. some of this type of voice change can occur naturally in the story telling and won't necessarily have to be construed in an entirely different style of writing.
another "narrator" that i've considered using, maybe for the literal "story telling" voice is that of a ghost that actually lives in the "cemetery girl's" cemetery. and then i would also like to have an entirely different level of the story that depicts my own personal experience as the creator of the ENTIRE story. why "I" need to tell the story about this girl. for an appendix perhaps.
one thing that sticks in the back of my mind as a style reference is Mark Danielewski's book, House of Leaves. i love what he attempts to do with this novel but it is a madly difficult story to read. i like his creative structure and abandonment of rules but i want my story to be read and understood. see, i need to find a way to balance the simplicity of my story in a complex writing structure that is actually decipherable. i don't want to confuse the reader. i just want them to have all the tools they need to be able to more fully appreciate what it is my character(s) lives are all about and how deep their own difficulties in getting through their lives truly are.
i am afraid though. the feelings in my heart over just the past two days as i reconsider going down into this space where this story lives are dark. i have to embrace my character and her life and her confusion and her misery to be able to write about her. and the feelings are strong. i don't want to become depressed myself by entering back into her world but i'm not sure how i will avoid that. this feels like a meditation though, an entering into my heart's deepest spaces where it is dark and i can only see so much of the world around me. a small world shrouded in just the specific experiences of my "cemetery girl"... right now i want to think of nothing but her and her story.
thus it begins...
i feel like soon i will just put the camera equipment away. all the energy i put into creating images has stolen away my spirit from my writing. pretty pictures are one thing and can only say so much. a picture is worth a thousand words? i don't think so. 1000 words can say soo much more than any picture. at least the pictures that i have created aren't so vocal.
this whole thing with the "Cemetery Girl" photo sets got way out of hand. they were starting to lead to a place that i could go, being a portrait photographer, and that is still something i may do on the side, but i got caught up in a manic wind of wanting to do nothing but shoot more and more and more models. i mean, like i said, i could do that. but it is a trap for me. it will not fulfill my need to express myself with words. i am actually glad that i have had this realization so early on in this process before i made commitments to the photography that would have been more difficult to escape from. as it stands now i have to break appointments with three professional models that were counting on me to shoot them.
see, this is also part of what happened. my work started to attract professionals. i don't want to shoot professionals. that detracts from the innocent and genuine nature of what i was trying to capture in my models. i have one more hopeful Cemetery Girl photo shoot scheduled for this coming Thursday. it is the 16 year old daughter of one of my oldest friends. i feel like this could be the ultimate capture of the spirit of my character and i hope that i will feel that i no longer need to shoot any more. this photographic visualization i feel is key to opening a door for me to enter deeper into my understanding of "her"; a means to help me connect with her more strongly so that i can see and feel and hear all that she is. then i will be able to merge directly with her spirit so that she can clearly speak through me and i can get this story written.
i have not looked at my notes about my novel in several months. when i started to look at them again last night and today i am actually shocked at the what an amazingly intricate and detailed outline i have already completed. honest to goodness dear readers, this is a story that will truly blow the minds of all who read it. picking it up again now i am troubled by the last troubles i struggled with when i last worked with it... how do i tell the story.
i am afraid of two things; making the telling too complex, and making the telling too simple. well, straight out i cannot tell it simply. there is no simple way to tell this story. to simplify it in order to attract more readers, and that is the only reason why i would tell the story simply, will totally deflate the magnitude of this story's complexity. but to make the understanding of the story simpler i think i have to create a structure that is complex.
what i mean by that is i need to tell the story on a variety of levels with a variety of voices. there will be the narrative story line which will explain the course of events. but i am also going to have an entirely different level/section that tells the story through the main characters private journals... these journal entries will be referenced to by either mid-chapter footnotes or end of chapter ibids.
there may be sections too, where other narrators will take over speaking. for instance, when the ghost of Eugene O'Neill needs to tell his part of the story i want "him" to be the speaker. some of this type of voice change can occur naturally in the story telling and won't necessarily have to be construed in an entirely different style of writing.
another "narrator" that i've considered using, maybe for the literal "story telling" voice is that of a ghost that actually lives in the "cemetery girl's" cemetery. and then i would also like to have an entirely different level of the story that depicts my own personal experience as the creator of the ENTIRE story. why "I" need to tell the story about this girl. for an appendix perhaps.
one thing that sticks in the back of my mind as a style reference is Mark Danielewski's book, House of Leaves. i love what he attempts to do with this novel but it is a madly difficult story to read. i like his creative structure and abandonment of rules but i want my story to be read and understood. see, i need to find a way to balance the simplicity of my story in a complex writing structure that is actually decipherable. i don't want to confuse the reader. i just want them to have all the tools they need to be able to more fully appreciate what it is my character(s) lives are all about and how deep their own difficulties in getting through their lives truly are.
i am afraid though. the feelings in my heart over just the past two days as i reconsider going down into this space where this story lives are dark. i have to embrace my character and her life and her confusion and her misery to be able to write about her. and the feelings are strong. i don't want to become depressed myself by entering back into her world but i'm not sure how i will avoid that. this feels like a meditation though, an entering into my heart's deepest spaces where it is dark and i can only see so much of the world around me. a small world shrouded in just the specific experiences of my "cemetery girl"... right now i want to think of nothing but her and her story.
thus it begins...
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