careful words, a personal response...
an old friend and regular reader of my blog responded to my last blog entry via personal email. i share her thoughts here anonymously. i will respond to her questions/thoughts as openly as i can.
I feel that part of our relationship is that you expect me to be
honest with you. In that vein, please know that I ask these things
because I do love you, my friend.
Why don't you marry again? You assume that people know or understand.
This could be a way of denial to yourself and to your friends. Why not
state it - no flowers - no extended prose - just a flat and simple
statement like "I have not found the right person" or "I am afraid of
failure" or "I don't think I deserve it" or whatever. Come out of the
closet and out your feelings without maudlin.
Wow. Come out of the closet, ok. In simplest terms, I simply have not found the right person. It is a harder answer than that though. My marriage ended 19 years ago and I have only had one "serious" relationship since then. And that was over 10 years ago. That relationship lasted 8 months. The closest experience I've had to anything even sort of being like having a girl friend occurred 10 months ago. That was 2 weeks in length and the outcome crippled me. A better answer to this question is that I am broken, out of service, unusable, unattractive, unfriendly, anti-social, unreachable, invisible, a loner, an island, scary, dangerous, a hermit... {insert your own favorite noun for ~LOSER~}. I mean, of all the people I know in the world, no one has ever tried to hook me up with a friend. Friends do that in the real world, don't they? It's not just in the movies that the examples I've heard about of friends introducing their single friends to other single friends occurs, right? Well, it's never happened to me. Not before I got married 28 years ago, nor in the 19 years since my marriage ended.
Do you ever consider that you are in love with falling in love and
over idolize and romanticize what marriage and love are about?
Romantic is great, but life is ugly as well as romantic. Remember
balance!
This makes total sense to me. I get all the love and romance I need through watching movies. I cry at the misery of others. Hell, last year when a friend of mine announced he was divorcing I became a basket-case and cried for weeks. Songs, literature, and movies are my triggers. I certainly do idolize "love". The thing is when I get close enough to someone to experience my own personal version of it I have no understanding of the rules because I am so unpracticed. So has the media ruined me? If I never knew about love as personified in movies and song I wouldn't know what I was missing, right?
Do you ever consider that you might enjoy the romantic state of
tortured lover more than a contented spouse?
Bingo! A martyr for love. Yes, where can I sign up to join this religious order? I have already learned the catechism of this path and am a senior ready to graduate. The pain of love is what I am most familiar with. I don't remember ever being a content spouse... I would like to find out though.
I feel that we humans subconsciously choose relationships that will
place us where we want to be in the end and or give us the desired
journey? We humans fool ourselves so much thinking we want and desire one
thing, when in reality, the object of our desire is something totally
different.
But to subconsciously choose a life of loneliness, isolation and rejection? I know I am not the only man in the world that could be writing these words right now. And I do venture to state that men suffer this affliction more than women do. If I were me, but were a woman and not a man I don't think I'd have the same problems I experience as a man in attracting members of the opposite sex. I don't know though, thats just a thought.
Just some thoughts to ponder that I have pondered as well. Falling in
love is physiological state that can last (at the most) 2 - 5 years.
Loving someone in a relationship for a lifetime is a choice. Looking
for Mr Goodbar always ends in badly. Looking for a lifetime
companion (will I still love her after hearing her gargle twice a day
and being "bad naked") is much different. Eating the same breakfast
everyday can be boring, but the gains in health and satisfaction that
one is doing the right thing can counter that drudgery.
I think we have gone way off the mark about relationships and what
they mean in our society. What other reason can there be for so
much misery on a personal basis, whilst we have made such progress on
the social front. USA folks have this illusion that the world will be
perfect. The problem with that idea is that we are far from perfect
and all have different ideas of what perfection would look like.
So what makes me think that I could have a perfect relationship?
nothing! What makes me think that I could have a fairly good and
healthy relationship? the fact that I know what love truly looks
like. I think you do too! You have done it with your son, Billy.
That is real love, one that has and will last a lifetime. Now you
just need to do that with a companion, if that is what you REALLY
want!
I look forward to hearing your answers and seeing what you think.
And nothing is more unattractive to a woman than a desperate man. You
sound desperate. Sorry, but someone had to tell you.
Love and prayers for you...
I can't say anymore to this right now except that I will answer this last question. Am I desperate? Sure I am. Do I act desperately though? I don't think so. A man desperate for sex seeks out prostitutes. I don't do that. I never have and I never will. I will never act out of my desperation other than to turn that negative energy inwardly upon my self. This is what I fear is killing me now. That my inability to find or connect with anyone on a romantic level will make me so desperately sad that I won't be able to endure the emotional isolation and that I'll kill myself for a solution. This is why I spend my time alone in cemeteries. To make friends with those that I will sooner than later be spending the rest of eternity amongst.
I feel that part of our relationship is that you expect me to be
honest with you. In that vein, please know that I ask these things
because I do love you, my friend.
Why don't you marry again? You assume that people know or understand.
This could be a way of denial to yourself and to your friends. Why not
state it - no flowers - no extended prose - just a flat and simple
statement like "I have not found the right person" or "I am afraid of
failure" or "I don't think I deserve it" or whatever. Come out of the
closet and out your feelings without maudlin.
Wow. Come out of the closet, ok. In simplest terms, I simply have not found the right person. It is a harder answer than that though. My marriage ended 19 years ago and I have only had one "serious" relationship since then. And that was over 10 years ago. That relationship lasted 8 months. The closest experience I've had to anything even sort of being like having a girl friend occurred 10 months ago. That was 2 weeks in length and the outcome crippled me. A better answer to this question is that I am broken, out of service, unusable, unattractive, unfriendly, anti-social, unreachable, invisible, a loner, an island, scary, dangerous, a hermit... {insert your own favorite noun for ~LOSER~}. I mean, of all the people I know in the world, no one has ever tried to hook me up with a friend. Friends do that in the real world, don't they? It's not just in the movies that the examples I've heard about of friends introducing their single friends to other single friends occurs, right? Well, it's never happened to me. Not before I got married 28 years ago, nor in the 19 years since my marriage ended.
Do you ever consider that you are in love with falling in love and
over idolize and romanticize what marriage and love are about?
Romantic is great, but life is ugly as well as romantic. Remember
balance!
This makes total sense to me. I get all the love and romance I need through watching movies. I cry at the misery of others. Hell, last year when a friend of mine announced he was divorcing I became a basket-case and cried for weeks. Songs, literature, and movies are my triggers. I certainly do idolize "love". The thing is when I get close enough to someone to experience my own personal version of it I have no understanding of the rules because I am so unpracticed. So has the media ruined me? If I never knew about love as personified in movies and song I wouldn't know what I was missing, right?
Do you ever consider that you might enjoy the romantic state of
tortured lover more than a contented spouse?
Bingo! A martyr for love. Yes, where can I sign up to join this religious order? I have already learned the catechism of this path and am a senior ready to graduate. The pain of love is what I am most familiar with. I don't remember ever being a content spouse... I would like to find out though.
I feel that we humans subconsciously choose relationships that will
place us where we want to be in the end and or give us the desired
journey? We humans fool ourselves so much thinking we want and desire one
thing, when in reality, the object of our desire is something totally
different.
But to subconsciously choose a life of loneliness, isolation and rejection? I know I am not the only man in the world that could be writing these words right now. And I do venture to state that men suffer this affliction more than women do. If I were me, but were a woman and not a man I don't think I'd have the same problems I experience as a man in attracting members of the opposite sex. I don't know though, thats just a thought.
Just some thoughts to ponder that I have pondered as well. Falling in
love is physiological state that can last (at the most) 2 - 5 years.
Loving someone in a relationship for a lifetime is a choice. Looking
for Mr Goodbar always ends in badly. Looking for a lifetime
companion (will I still love her after hearing her gargle twice a day
and being "bad naked") is much different. Eating the same breakfast
everyday can be boring, but the gains in health and satisfaction that
one is doing the right thing can counter that drudgery.
I think we have gone way off the mark about relationships and what
they mean in our society. What other reason can there be for so
much misery on a personal basis, whilst we have made such progress on
the social front. USA folks have this illusion that the world will be
perfect. The problem with that idea is that we are far from perfect
and all have different ideas of what perfection would look like.
So what makes me think that I could have a perfect relationship?
nothing! What makes me think that I could have a fairly good and
healthy relationship? the fact that I know what love truly looks
like. I think you do too! You have done it with your son, Billy.
That is real love, one that has and will last a lifetime. Now you
just need to do that with a companion, if that is what you REALLY
want!
I look forward to hearing your answers and seeing what you think.
And nothing is more unattractive to a woman than a desperate man. You
sound desperate. Sorry, but someone had to tell you.
Love and prayers for you...
I can't say anymore to this right now except that I will answer this last question. Am I desperate? Sure I am. Do I act desperately though? I don't think so. A man desperate for sex seeks out prostitutes. I don't do that. I never have and I never will. I will never act out of my desperation other than to turn that negative energy inwardly upon my self. This is what I fear is killing me now. That my inability to find or connect with anyone on a romantic level will make me so desperately sad that I won't be able to endure the emotional isolation and that I'll kill myself for a solution. This is why I spend my time alone in cemeteries. To make friends with those that I will sooner than later be spending the rest of eternity amongst.
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