i'm going to turn 50... *big sigh*
Today is the birthday of a very prolific author named Iris Murdoch. She was born a long time ago and lived quite a long life. She wrote very many books (one of which moved me deeply), loved a lot, drank, had affairs, and probably left the phone off the hook too so that people wouldn't bother her when she was able to work.
Hell, I'm talking through my hat as I don't know these things about her, as facts, at all. I imagine that she lived a full life though because she was able to write about full lives. She had a deep and powerful mind because she was also considered to be a philosopher.
Well, it struck me today that next year, 2008, I will be turning 50 years old. Not so fast, I know, I have to turn 49 first (and isn't there a theory that our bodies rejuvenate cellularly every seven years or something? so next year I'll be getting a brand new body, right? don't think it will matter.) Last year I had a very strong inspiration to be a sexy and robust 50 year old. That inspiration left me though. My steam is running out. I'm hearing the voices of my ghost fathers louder and louder. "Just give up and join us..."
I've had a dream for several years now of celebrating my 50th birth anniversary with some other lads I know that will turn 50 next year too. I don't see this happening though as I am the only one that likes any of these fellas. They don't like each other. Get it? Why would they want to party together...
Ok, seriously - I'm coming up to an injunction in two weeks. I am going to be forced to make a decision about whether I should start up meds again. I am so exhausted from remaking this decision. It's a downward spiral, you know? Worn out from it I am. I spoke to a woman on Thursday night.
She was nice. But I failed to interest her enough. I actually responded to letters from lonely women on Craigslist last night. Women near my own age. None of them responded.
I've got tickets to two concerts this week. Bought them (with money that should have been paid to someone else I owe money to). I'm so emotionally exhausted though I don't think I'll have energy to attend. Happy pills...
not enough on their own. The mind is too powerful in and of itself; it can sabotage... I know this is going to end badly.
"Frustrated? Yes. Why? Because it is impossible for me to be God - or
the universal woman-and-man - or anything much. I am what I feel and
think and do. I want to express my being as fully as I can because I
somewhere picked up the idea that I could justify my being alive that
way." ~Sylvia Plath
Oh, and I've been contacted by the San Francisco Chronicle. They want to publish a few of my photographs. I'll let you know when/if that ever happens. I guess this is enough depression to spread around today.
Oh, and someone online asked if they could use one of my photographs and made this poster.
Hell, I'm talking through my hat as I don't know these things about her, as facts, at all. I imagine that she lived a full life though because she was able to write about full lives. She had a deep and powerful mind because she was also considered to be a philosopher.Well, it struck me today that next year, 2008, I will be turning 50 years old. Not so fast, I know, I have to turn 49 first (and isn't there a theory that our bodies rejuvenate cellularly every seven years or something? so next year I'll be getting a brand new body, right? don't think it will matter.) Last year I had a very strong inspiration to be a sexy and robust 50 year old. That inspiration left me though. My steam is running out. I'm hearing the voices of my ghost fathers louder and louder. "Just give up and join us..."
I've had a dream for several years now of celebrating my 50th birth anniversary with some other lads I know that will turn 50 next year too. I don't see this happening though as I am the only one that likes any of these fellas. They don't like each other. Get it? Why would they want to party together...
Ok, seriously - I'm coming up to an injunction in two weeks. I am going to be forced to make a decision about whether I should start up meds again. I am so exhausted from remaking this decision. It's a downward spiral, you know? Worn out from it I am. I spoke to a woman on Thursday night.
She was nice. But I failed to interest her enough. I actually responded to letters from lonely women on Craigslist last night. Women near my own age. None of them responded.I've got tickets to two concerts this week. Bought them (with money that should have been paid to someone else I owe money to). I'm so emotionally exhausted though I don't think I'll have energy to attend. Happy pills...
not enough on their own. The mind is too powerful in and of itself; it can sabotage... I know this is going to end badly."Frustrated? Yes. Why? Because it is impossible for me to be God - or
the universal woman-and-man - or anything much. I am what I feel and
think and do. I want to express my being as fully as I can because I
somewhere picked up the idea that I could justify my being alive that
way." ~Sylvia Plath
Oh, and I've been contacted by the San Francisco Chronicle. They want to publish a few of my photographs. I'll let you know when/if that ever happens. I guess this is enough depression to spread around today.
Oh, and someone online asked if they could use one of my photographs and made this poster.
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Comments
I can relate to feeling wiped from other issues, but the feeling of exhaustion is there. I'm even too tired of having lived with my issues to repeat them here as I've been talking (seemingly ad nauseum -- for my own taste at least) about them with others here in person.
I'm excited at your photography, though. Cool that people are enjoying it but I wonder if you're getting paid for it as well? A challenge for myself point in fact.
You're in my thoughts/prayers. If you meditate and turn towards the south, I'll be there with you.