god is NOT great; or are THEY?
strange shifts in my consciousness are starting to stir... i checked out two books from the library that deal with old beliefs that i used to harbor about GOD and prayer. i used to be a fierce believer in the Judeo-Christian God - was raised that way and followed the orders of the human leaders of that/those organization(s) until i realized that i was being brainwashed/coerced/dumbed-down by their interpretations of scripture and their not-so-humble yearnings for personal popularity and a hunger to control others. i broke free from that structure at around the age of 31 years and found another religion to play out my mental addictions within; Siddha Yoga. i went from believing in one god to believing in a multitude of gods. frying pan to fire? anyone? anyone? well, it was a good cleansing experience. after 10 years in that organization i became sick to death of "god" and took the logical turn towards agnosticism; the strawberry field where we are free to say ~i just don't know!~. were i a braver man i would have turned into a full blown atheist. i may still choose to don that title some day but there is so much anger involved in that system; both on the being and receiving ends. (being an atheist seems to be an angry position to maintain, and also being an atheist draws a lot of contempt from non-atheists, it seems.)
well, today i am starting to feel a bit of an awakening though. i think my shut down over the past 10 years has been largely due to the fact that being a religious person generated a lot of disappointment in me. prayer and wishing are mechanisms of despair. pray for help, pray for healing, wish things were better, wish i had that... why not just be satisfied with the way things are? i had this thought yesterday, that if i were told i had cancer would i seek treatment? (this fits in with my recent personal negotiations to no longer use medication.) if i achieved cancer, would that not be the way things were supposed to be? and is utilizing high tech medical treatments to fight that disease ploys of the human mind to beg with GOD to change the course of the way things are meant to be? i'm ready to die. i've at least tried to do all of the things i've wanted to do in this lifetime, so why not just let it be?
but no, there are other thoughts occurring. it is ok to take actions and make things change while we are alive. that is how the world changes, right? about a week ago, during the mental gymnastics i've been going through in this debate to no longer use psychiatric medications my mind seems to have opened up to different options. a couple of years ago i found a website where this woman describes her theory that many people that suffer from mental illness in this world are actually under the influence of being haunted by dead relatives. that a close relative that died "unhappily" may decide to linger around and cling to those people they were closely associated with. not that such unquiet spirits are malicious but that in their dying "unready" they get stuck in the ethers and are unable to let go, or move on. and maybe they do actually hold grudges or out of their lack of insight into the ways of love and light decide to mess with lives of those they left behind.
in reading this woman's ideas and theories lights started to click in my head. i've seen two father figures die in my lifetime (my own father who died when i was 11 and my step father who died 20 years later). both deaths were tragic and it makes sense to me that since my father died things in my life became very (worseningly) difficult. not just simple problems that i became able to work out or change as i got older but strong veins of character attitude and "bad luck" that i could not shake off by becoming a better person.
anyway, i wrote to Wanda and asked her to let me know if she "felt" that she could help me. see, she is a psychic healer and an exorcist. she responded, "yes". at that time though i was deep into research mode for my novel and i was not ready to "get well". and i denied her her services. this was when i was deep into my dark mood (heavy metal exploration, cemetery research, when my hair was dyed black - some of you remember, right?) i really enjoyed that period of time. but now, as i am feeling more and more frustrated on many levels of advancement in my life i actually feel that death is near. and i don't want to just give in to death.
so i wrote back to Wanda this week and she is investigating my case/condition/soul as we speak, to determine whether she can "cleanse" me or not. i will let you know when i hear back from her; probably in the next couple of days.
back to the opening of this letter and the books i checked out of the library. Daughters of the Goddess; the Women Saints of India has a chapter about Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, the women I allowed to be my guru for 10 years. reading this expository account of an outsider's experience with her made me think about my past experiences with her and i'm not sure, just started to get a little bit of a flow of positive energy into my head and heart. i experienced some of the most powerful and beautiful spiritual experiences of my entire life when i regarded this woman as my teacher, my guru. i'm not feeling an urge to go back into this system... but the remembrance of experiences of light and love and freedom are starting to make me realize how much into darkness i have sank. funny memory, but the last time i was in the Oakland ashram was maybe 6 months ago; well, November probably because i'm pretty sure it was the evening of the celebration of Bade Baba's punyatihi... i wore all black, on purpose that night. i mean everything including socks and underwear. i don't think i intended to make a statement or influence energy in any direct, esoteric way... but black is not a yogic color. white is much more suitable and powerful and conducive to the flow of the higher energies of the spirit that are generated in the ashram. no one said anything to me that night and i didn't even feel like i was drawing attention to myself. it was not till after the last meditation of the evening came to a close that i saw another man, someone i recognized from my past there who was dressed entirely in white that i realized my completely opposite energy manifestation. death wears black. it is empty. it doesn't generate energy, it sucks energy. all in all i had a good experience that night but i have not gone back since. i think it was just symbolic of something deep going on in my life being brought to my attention...
the other book is called, "Praying with Power: How to Use Ancient Shamanic Techniques to Maximize Spiritual Benefit". this is taking me back to memories of when i believed that i, on some esoteric level had access to shamanic powers of prayer. self learned. back to when i practiced holotropic breathwork in 1990 and had a vision of myself as a shaman in a previous incarnation. it also takes me back to when, in my mid-late 20's i began to experience the power of intercessory prayer. those were wild times; both experiences that gave me a belief that i had an ability to influence how material destiny was formed.
why these matters are appearing of interest to me now? again, i fear that if i do not take advantage of the supernatural forces that really are existent in this world, this universe, whether i call them god or guru or not... i am going to die. and soon. it's like a dark cloud has descended upon my existence from long ago, maybe it was a predestined experience that i arranged before i even got to earth this time... but now since my will has become so frustrated and my body is feeling so weak, tired, and unmendable... death bed confession? is that what this is? "God? Are you there? I don't want to die..."
the only conclusion that i can justify is that this 5 year energy of the finishing of the Mayan calendar, the ending of the Kali Yuga, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius is breaking through to me. stay posted for news!
oh, and this is day 4 of zero Ambien in my system. dreamed this morning but was so exhausted that i have no recall at all of my dreams.
well, today i am starting to feel a bit of an awakening though. i think my shut down over the past 10 years has been largely due to the fact that being a religious person generated a lot of disappointment in me. prayer and wishing are mechanisms of despair. pray for help, pray for healing, wish things were better, wish i had that... why not just be satisfied with the way things are? i had this thought yesterday, that if i were told i had cancer would i seek treatment? (this fits in with my recent personal negotiations to no longer use medication.) if i achieved cancer, would that not be the way things were supposed to be? and is utilizing high tech medical treatments to fight that disease ploys of the human mind to beg with GOD to change the course of the way things are meant to be? i'm ready to die. i've at least tried to do all of the things i've wanted to do in this lifetime, so why not just let it be?
but no, there are other thoughts occurring. it is ok to take actions and make things change while we are alive. that is how the world changes, right? about a week ago, during the mental gymnastics i've been going through in this debate to no longer use psychiatric medications my mind seems to have opened up to different options. a couple of years ago i found a website where this woman describes her theory that many people that suffer from mental illness in this world are actually under the influence of being haunted by dead relatives. that a close relative that died "unhappily" may decide to linger around and cling to those people they were closely associated with. not that such unquiet spirits are malicious but that in their dying "unready" they get stuck in the ethers and are unable to let go, or move on. and maybe they do actually hold grudges or out of their lack of insight into the ways of love and light decide to mess with lives of those they left behind.
in reading this woman's ideas and theories lights started to click in my head. i've seen two father figures die in my lifetime (my own father who died when i was 11 and my step father who died 20 years later). both deaths were tragic and it makes sense to me that since my father died things in my life became very (worseningly) difficult. not just simple problems that i became able to work out or change as i got older but strong veins of character attitude and "bad luck" that i could not shake off by becoming a better person.
anyway, i wrote to Wanda and asked her to let me know if she "felt" that she could help me. see, she is a psychic healer and an exorcist. she responded, "yes". at that time though i was deep into research mode for my novel and i was not ready to "get well". and i denied her her services. this was when i was deep into my dark mood (heavy metal exploration, cemetery research, when my hair was dyed black - some of you remember, right?) i really enjoyed that period of time. but now, as i am feeling more and more frustrated on many levels of advancement in my life i actually feel that death is near. and i don't want to just give in to death.
so i wrote back to Wanda this week and she is investigating my case/condition/soul as we speak, to determine whether she can "cleanse" me or not. i will let you know when i hear back from her; probably in the next couple of days.
back to the opening of this letter and the books i checked out of the library. Daughters of the Goddess; the Women Saints of India has a chapter about Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, the women I allowed to be my guru for 10 years. reading this expository account of an outsider's experience with her made me think about my past experiences with her and i'm not sure, just started to get a little bit of a flow of positive energy into my head and heart. i experienced some of the most powerful and beautiful spiritual experiences of my entire life when i regarded this woman as my teacher, my guru. i'm not feeling an urge to go back into this system... but the remembrance of experiences of light and love and freedom are starting to make me realize how much into darkness i have sank. funny memory, but the last time i was in the Oakland ashram was maybe 6 months ago; well, November probably because i'm pretty sure it was the evening of the celebration of Bade Baba's punyatihi... i wore all black, on purpose that night. i mean everything including socks and underwear. i don't think i intended to make a statement or influence energy in any direct, esoteric way... but black is not a yogic color. white is much more suitable and powerful and conducive to the flow of the higher energies of the spirit that are generated in the ashram. no one said anything to me that night and i didn't even feel like i was drawing attention to myself. it was not till after the last meditation of the evening came to a close that i saw another man, someone i recognized from my past there who was dressed entirely in white that i realized my completely opposite energy manifestation. death wears black. it is empty. it doesn't generate energy, it sucks energy. all in all i had a good experience that night but i have not gone back since. i think it was just symbolic of something deep going on in my life being brought to my attention...
the other book is called, "Praying with Power: How to Use Ancient Shamanic Techniques to Maximize Spiritual Benefit". this is taking me back to memories of when i believed that i, on some esoteric level had access to shamanic powers of prayer. self learned. back to when i practiced holotropic breathwork in 1990 and had a vision of myself as a shaman in a previous incarnation. it also takes me back to when, in my mid-late 20's i began to experience the power of intercessory prayer. those were wild times; both experiences that gave me a belief that i had an ability to influence how material destiny was formed.
why these matters are appearing of interest to me now? again, i fear that if i do not take advantage of the supernatural forces that really are existent in this world, this universe, whether i call them god or guru or not... i am going to die. and soon. it's like a dark cloud has descended upon my existence from long ago, maybe it was a predestined experience that i arranged before i even got to earth this time... but now since my will has become so frustrated and my body is feeling so weak, tired, and unmendable... death bed confession? is that what this is? "God? Are you there? I don't want to die..."
the only conclusion that i can justify is that this 5 year energy of the finishing of the Mayan calendar, the ending of the Kali Yuga, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius is breaking through to me. stay posted for news!
oh, and this is day 4 of zero Ambien in my system. dreamed this morning but was so exhausted that i have no recall at all of my dreams.
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