out, god how it helps...
i decided this morning to not attend the Polyphonic Spree concert tonight at the Great American Music Hall. just not feeling physically able for the intensity of standing from 6pm till midnight. i have not been eating much lately and my potassium is low again; thus lots of muscle cramping. i feel little regret for not seeing this show despite the fact that i really looked forward to it being a great photo op and also a bit of a rejuvenating and spiritual expereince. the Spree are the most magical band out there right now methinks. i was able to sell the ticket (at a discount to the buyer) via craigslist this morning so i will think magically about this and believe that there is more benefit in him seeing this show and that in my staying home, i will experience some sort of magic.
i'm reading this pretty fascinating book right now called "2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl" which is starting to click for me some deeper understanding about things in this world and my own life. In regards to starting up meds again i am leaning strongly towards sticking to my argument that "without meds" is a better plan. for one thing, i want to dream again. i can only see getting off the ambien as something that will enable that. on the other hand, i want to be able to concentrate again too. proper application of meds can help that happen but i am just not trusting enough of this new psychiatrist that i'll see in two weeks to be caring enough to deal with my demands for attention. also, i'm going on a three week trip to Chicago at the end of August into September. starting a new regimen of meds while travelling sounds just plain scary. it can take up to two months to acclimate to new usage of meds.
this whole thing about this trip is weird too. the timing, how it excludes me from being able to enroll in classes for the Fall semester at the college. there must be something else in the behind the scene works that is going to happen that i just don't know about yet. anyway, it is so easy for me to just hide in my room at home right now. many nights i don't even fall asleep till between 3&5 a.m. not having any reason to be anywhere any day makes it so easy to not care. i wanted to wake up this morning and go down the street for a bagel and coffee and sit and start to write this short story that i have burning in my head (no, not the story of the friends that became spys, but a love story that takes place in Manhattan). it was 3:30 before i actually pushed myself out the door. i went to the library, sat and read for 90 minutes and am now at Starbutz.
see, this is what was good about being in the college. a reason to be somewhere, an ability to focus on a task, a means to socialize. and i was on meds then. i just can't reason things out enough on my own. THAT is why i truly appreciate those of you that read these dribblings and respond to me with your supportive ideas and efforts to give me life lines... please don't think for a second that i don't listen to you or value whatever it is you can offer me of hope. i do.
oh, one last thing. somebody wrote another album review of Tom Waits' newest album over at Helium.com, and well, he knocked me, my review out of first place. it is not a bad article (he spoke his opinion) but his opinion is so contrary to mine and i think overall that he gives the album a very bad rap. i know the hesitancy people have to join "another website" but to be able to vote for my article you need to be a member of Helium. i don't think his review deserves to be number one. well, maybe if you just go over there and read the two articles and tell me truthfully which you think is better i'd feel better. you don't need to be a member to be able to read them. here is the link.
{oh, the Quetzalcotl book, it is about the culmination of the 5,000 year long cycle of the Mayan calendar that will occur in the year 2012; just 5 short years from now. it talks about the changes that are starting to occur to our world and society, at an escalated rate of speed. the "event" of this calendar cycle ending is supposed to be both a death and birth for our world, on major scales. so i think my decision to either medicate or not is a bit of a crap shoot. in being free of meds in my system i'll make different decisions about life than i would under their affects. but will i make the best decisions? crap shoot. being clean should help me think more clearly, right? but is my "clear thinking" the best? it feels like a be in the system or not sort of decision. i am so close to death everyday (we all are, aren't we?) that a poor decision one day or another can shape my destiny. as for suicide i've got such mixed philosophical ideas about it. on one hand, to have the power over life and death by choice seems very, i dunno, like the power only the wisest of us can wield. on the other hand, death by surprise seems so much more exciting. you know, the surprise of entering that moment when you die - we all know it is coming but we don't know when or how it will happen. isn't that sort of what we all live for?... ramble, ramble, ramble... sorry.
i'm reading this pretty fascinating book right now called "2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl" which is starting to click for me some deeper understanding about things in this world and my own life. In regards to starting up meds again i am leaning strongly towards sticking to my argument that "without meds" is a better plan. for one thing, i want to dream again. i can only see getting off the ambien as something that will enable that. on the other hand, i want to be able to concentrate again too. proper application of meds can help that happen but i am just not trusting enough of this new psychiatrist that i'll see in two weeks to be caring enough to deal with my demands for attention. also, i'm going on a three week trip to Chicago at the end of August into September. starting a new regimen of meds while travelling sounds just plain scary. it can take up to two months to acclimate to new usage of meds.
this whole thing about this trip is weird too. the timing, how it excludes me from being able to enroll in classes for the Fall semester at the college. there must be something else in the behind the scene works that is going to happen that i just don't know about yet. anyway, it is so easy for me to just hide in my room at home right now. many nights i don't even fall asleep till between 3&5 a.m. not having any reason to be anywhere any day makes it so easy to not care. i wanted to wake up this morning and go down the street for a bagel and coffee and sit and start to write this short story that i have burning in my head (no, not the story of the friends that became spys, but a love story that takes place in Manhattan). it was 3:30 before i actually pushed myself out the door. i went to the library, sat and read for 90 minutes and am now at Starbutz.
see, this is what was good about being in the college. a reason to be somewhere, an ability to focus on a task, a means to socialize. and i was on meds then. i just can't reason things out enough on my own. THAT is why i truly appreciate those of you that read these dribblings and respond to me with your supportive ideas and efforts to give me life lines... please don't think for a second that i don't listen to you or value whatever it is you can offer me of hope. i do.
oh, one last thing. somebody wrote another album review of Tom Waits' newest album over at Helium.com, and well, he knocked me, my review out of first place. it is not a bad article (he spoke his opinion) but his opinion is so contrary to mine and i think overall that he gives the album a very bad rap. i know the hesitancy people have to join "another website" but to be able to vote for my article you need to be a member of Helium. i don't think his review deserves to be number one. well, maybe if you just go over there and read the two articles and tell me truthfully which you think is better i'd feel better. you don't need to be a member to be able to read them. here is the link.
{oh, the Quetzalcotl book, it is about the culmination of the 5,000 year long cycle of the Mayan calendar that will occur in the year 2012; just 5 short years from now. it talks about the changes that are starting to occur to our world and society, at an escalated rate of speed. the "event" of this calendar cycle ending is supposed to be both a death and birth for our world, on major scales. so i think my decision to either medicate or not is a bit of a crap shoot. in being free of meds in my system i'll make different decisions about life than i would under their affects. but will i make the best decisions? crap shoot. being clean should help me think more clearly, right? but is my "clear thinking" the best? it feels like a be in the system or not sort of decision. i am so close to death everyday (we all are, aren't we?) that a poor decision one day or another can shape my destiny. as for suicide i've got such mixed philosophical ideas about it. on one hand, to have the power over life and death by choice seems very, i dunno, like the power only the wisest of us can wield. on the other hand, death by surprise seems so much more exciting. you know, the surprise of entering that moment when you die - we all know it is coming but we don't know when or how it will happen. isn't that sort of what we all live for?... ramble, ramble, ramble... sorry.
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