going down with this ship... maybe today.
not doing well today. literally feel like i've been stabbed in the back with 4 swords and that there is one sword being pushed through my heart. my head is throbbing as if it's been crushed under the boot of an enemy warrior.
i really don't do well when i don't sleep in my regular space. and it is especially worse when i have to sleep in a strange place AND have no one to talk to. well, my life in general is plain stupid because i don't have anyone to have an ongoing conversation with. i had a really, very good friend that took care of me this way up until last December. for two years i was able to reach this person by telephonic communication devices and she would talk to me (and listen to me) for literally hours every day. i had never had a friend like that ever before in my life. i miss that connection we had very, very badly. oh, it ended due to bizarre and unfair complications that i'm not ready to divulge yet.
anyway, i never feel more alone and isolated than i do when i am not home. at home i have "my blankets", am surrounded by "my books and movies", can listen to "my music" on "my computer"... home is where "my imprint" is, where my aura has worn itself into the woodwork. "home" is also not a great place right now though because someone that i dislike lives there and i do not have liberty to cook or entertain or enter or exit through the front door as i would like to. "that" is another story i'm not ready to divulge yet either.
this week is one of my least favorite times of the year. well, all summer holidays get me down because everyone else in the world has friends to party with. i've never been invited to a summer barbecue and don't know anyone that would come to mine if i threw one. i so want to drink alcohol again because when under the influence of alcohol another person always joins you; you know, that part of you that is awakened that you can talk out loud with in your thoughts (and actions if you drink enough). like in that film, "Leaving Las Vegas"... that is what i see starting to drink again would do to/for me. and why is it "LOS" Angeles and "LAS" Vegas???
that opening description of how i am feeling physically today sounds like a hangover, doesn't it? well, i'm not. i have had no alcohol.
i'm already hung up about changing my "novel" project into a "screenplay". i've been thinking and writing my novel as a story that you think out by feeling and talking and slowly meandering through passageways. i could write a chapter of pages that takes place in just one room, or write another chapter that covers 20 years of history... the amount of words that i can use to paint a scene can vary tremendously. but now in trying to create impacting visual scenes that sequentially flow and build upon one another - well, it's quite a different way to write. it's more compacted. i'm going to have to spend some time reading (and rereading) screenplays to get my head wrapped around the style.
someone out there may be wondering why i'm switching methods now midstream; why i'm changing my story from a novel into a screenplay. why not finish the novel first, then adapt it for the screen? time, my friends. i think this story will be the only one i write in my life. my shortening life. yeah, i don't think i'm going to live long enough to write more than this one story. not if i continue along on this loveless and companion-less path that i'm on. also, seeing how other really great writers out there struggle with just getting their masterpieces published, let alone suffer over not making a lot of money if they don't get on a best-sellers list. i don't need all that extra suffering. i've got to shoot for the big payoff. a great screenplay can make big bucks. if i can just do this one thing write (er, right) in my life i'll be able to afford a funeral for myself and will have money to leave to my son and to "that one good friend that talked with me for two years".
my son is a great soul and devotes his life to helping others. i owe this one success to him. ok, i'll shut up now and go work on "my screenplay".
i really don't do well when i don't sleep in my regular space. and it is especially worse when i have to sleep in a strange place AND have no one to talk to. well, my life in general is plain stupid because i don't have anyone to have an ongoing conversation with. i had a really, very good friend that took care of me this way up until last December. for two years i was able to reach this person by telephonic communication devices and she would talk to me (and listen to me) for literally hours every day. i had never had a friend like that ever before in my life. i miss that connection we had very, very badly. oh, it ended due to bizarre and unfair complications that i'm not ready to divulge yet.
anyway, i never feel more alone and isolated than i do when i am not home. at home i have "my blankets", am surrounded by "my books and movies", can listen to "my music" on "my computer"... home is where "my imprint" is, where my aura has worn itself into the woodwork. "home" is also not a great place right now though because someone that i dislike lives there and i do not have liberty to cook or entertain or enter or exit through the front door as i would like to. "that" is another story i'm not ready to divulge yet either.
this week is one of my least favorite times of the year. well, all summer holidays get me down because everyone else in the world has friends to party with. i've never been invited to a summer barbecue and don't know anyone that would come to mine if i threw one. i so want to drink alcohol again because when under the influence of alcohol another person always joins you; you know, that part of you that is awakened that you can talk out loud with in your thoughts (and actions if you drink enough). like in that film, "Leaving Las Vegas"... that is what i see starting to drink again would do to/for me. and why is it "LOS" Angeles and "LAS" Vegas???
that opening description of how i am feeling physically today sounds like a hangover, doesn't it? well, i'm not. i have had no alcohol.
i'm already hung up about changing my "novel" project into a "screenplay". i've been thinking and writing my novel as a story that you think out by feeling and talking and slowly meandering through passageways. i could write a chapter of pages that takes place in just one room, or write another chapter that covers 20 years of history... the amount of words that i can use to paint a scene can vary tremendously. but now in trying to create impacting visual scenes that sequentially flow and build upon one another - well, it's quite a different way to write. it's more compacted. i'm going to have to spend some time reading (and rereading) screenplays to get my head wrapped around the style.
someone out there may be wondering why i'm switching methods now midstream; why i'm changing my story from a novel into a screenplay. why not finish the novel first, then adapt it for the screen? time, my friends. i think this story will be the only one i write in my life. my shortening life. yeah, i don't think i'm going to live long enough to write more than this one story. not if i continue along on this loveless and companion-less path that i'm on. also, seeing how other really great writers out there struggle with just getting their masterpieces published, let alone suffer over not making a lot of money if they don't get on a best-sellers list. i don't need all that extra suffering. i've got to shoot for the big payoff. a great screenplay can make big bucks. if i can just do this one thing write (er, right) in my life i'll be able to afford a funeral for myself and will have money to leave to my son and to "that one good friend that talked with me for two years".
my son is a great soul and devotes his life to helping others. i owe this one success to him. ok, i'll shut up now and go work on "my screenplay".
Powered by ScribeFire.
Comments
Stopped figuring how long I've been up after 12hrs, and tried to lay down earlier but was tossing and turning. Hubby came to bed so I got up so he could get some sleep. Hang in there, there is a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel.