she's gone, yet again...

silence no more. i'm sorry not telling you this story before now. i mean, i've alluded to it and given peeks into it over and again during the past 2 1/2 years... sometimes here in this blog, other times in private blogs which i may at some time make public. but now i need to come more clean about what's been going on inside my heart than ever before. i'll still dance around coming right out and saying things clearly, it's just my style of being fancy in revealing the truth. forgive me for that, but bear with me and persist with reading, i want you to know and understand better what my plight has been like. i am a lover. i do love life. my life is not the best life i could have lived but i see the balance of how what works and what does not work adds up to make a perfect experience. we need pain to be able to appreciate pleasure. there is light and darkness everywhere. it mingles and bleeds into each other's realms all the time. is light equivalent to love? is darkness the same as hate? or light=pleasure, darkness=pain? no, i do not think so. i think there is love in darkness and pleasure is there too. i think what works better is to think of darkness, real soul darkness is where light does not exist. in a darkened and hardened heart, there is no room left for love or pleasure to breath and grow. saying that, i'd say that my own heart is like a garden in a land where it is mainly moonlight that makes my plants grow. and also the light of breaking dawn. i can't bear the brightness of noonday sunlight, it scorches my earth. okay, onto the truths of what i want you to know. i am an artist. there is no other suitable explanation for what has become of my life.. sadly, i am not a very good artist, just like i am not a very good lover. but i have potentials to improve in both areas. when there is good liquid flowing into my garden, when there is just the right brightness of light allowed to nourish my plants. why i live in the darkness of hope and experience is because of all of the experiences of my life up to this point which have led me to live in this occluded world of half-hopes and strong doubts in my own ability to make the things happen that i desire. i love to love. i love to feel the feelings of love flowing through my heart and my body and my mind. it is light, and life itself. i live in a self exiled world though where love is mainly a very private and internal experience for me. i do not or am not able to experience shared love with others, easily. that is partly due to the mechanics of my own personal individuality. i have just ended up being a loner in this society. i do not connect easily with others. i do not easily let others have inside access to my private life, my thoughts, my time and space where activities occur. it's just what i've ended up being, but i still have desires for there to be connections and interactions with others. others that i like. others that i could love. and love, in the end, is what it all really comes down to. i am not a man worth marrying. my value as a member of society that could afford to support a household is miserable. but spiritually energetically, what i have to offer another person in devotion and an ability to create hope and joy from the well of love, of wanting to love and to be loved in return, well, i feel that i'm quite rich. i am not a mean or dark spirited person, but one who given the opportunity to love (and be loved) could make a home more enjoyable to live in. why i am not living in such a position in society is complex to understand, to explain. i was married once, but that ended 23 years ago. so just imagine the complexities of what does not work in my life that i'd be able to attract another being to want to co-mingle in life sharing with me. i am not an easy person to know. to find, to know, to understand, to get along with because i guard myself against letting anyone close to me that could end up making things in my life worse. things have been unpleasant before, unpleasant enough to make my life feel like it's not worth living. i can't take chances with half-hopes. so i wait. and i consider deeply who a person is that i may consider opening myself up to. there have been very few beings that have lit up my inner visions of hope and caring to consider doing this with over the past 23 years. what a number too, isn't it... because one person in particular that has come close to me, that i have let inside is not even that old yet. being the artist that i claim to be, i look for visionary experiences to be clarions of truth for me. and that is how i found this one person, that lit up my eyes. that made me feel slowly like unlocking the gate to my heart. haha, funny because now that i have finally reached this point in the story i'm trying to share with you, after all this worthless preamble i used to prepare myself to tell you about "her", i'm now afraid to. i thought the preamble would ease me into it, and it has in a way, but now i have to go through and expose the real part of the story that you all want to hear. breath deep with me and say a prayer, because i really do want to talk about this. i just still feel a need to be protective of myself - and not jeopardize what i do have with this person... so i'm gonna say this straight out. i fell in love with one of my models. i fell really, hard in love with her. this young woman, over the time that we've gotten to know each other over the past 2+ years, has opened more corners of my dark soul to being able to believe in love and truth and goodness, and in becoming a better man than anyone or anything (other than my guru) has in the past 23 years. yet, she and i are not lovers. we do love one another but in a higher sense of the experience. we love each other intellectually, and perhaps even spiritually, but not in any other more concrete or physical manners. and this makes me quite sad. i've never held her hand, and certainly have never received a kiss from her. it's just a realm of experience that she's unable to enter into with me. there's no reason for me to even try to go deeper into explaining those parts of the story for you. not now at least. but i have opened my heart, and my mind, and the material attributes of my worldly wealth to create a devotion to her. she is someone i am so wholeheartedly connected to and committed to that i'll go to whatever ends i must to provide her with things that she desires. let your imagination take you where it will with that statement. due to our ages, according to the statutes of our society it would seem that we have more of a father and daughter type of relationship than we do as soul-mates. yet, i do feel like she is my soulmate. when we spend time together she makes me feel more alive than anything else in my world does. she activates my inner abilities to do the things i do, better than i can do them on my own. i write better, i take better photographs, i take better care of my health, and synchronistic events in both of our lives begin to occur with more regularity than when we are apart. i cannot tell you all of these sorts of things that i bring alive in her because i can only tell you my story. would we be together, more closely than we are now if it were possible? i like to think that we would, and for awhile thought it was destined to occur, that we'd become a complete couple... but for many reasons that she offers as explanations of why we cannot be a couple, i am forced to accept that reality. she completes what's missing in my life, very much so. yet, i am too complex of an individual to bring into the private world of her home situation. no one, knows that she is such a good friend of a man my age. which tosses out a question for debate. is it possible for a man of 55 years of age to be in a healthy relationship with a young woman not even half his own age. (she turns 23 next week). according to what i experience with her as the close friends that we are, i believe it is. possible. and i know in the world this does occur. so why aren't you attracted to women your own age, darko? you may strongly demand an answer to from me. i do not believe that my attraction to a woman so young is perverse. i believe that this sense of attraction has developed due to the way i have fallen out with society. in the community that i live in it's been impossible for me to meet woman my age that will give me any consideration because i do not fit the bill of what is considered attractive in this community. i am not a propertied individual. i do not work. due to my mental illness i have been unable to perform duties required by employers to maintain employment. and since i do not work, the women in this area who do support themselves see me as a societal reject and non-useful as life partner material. so over the past 23 years, especially since the time of the major descent of my illness upon me 13 years ago, i have lost all belief in myself as a suitable bachelor for women in my community. if i lived in a different sort of community, like Santa Cruz, or Portland perhaps I would be considered more suitable. But here in the Bay Area, and in my town in particular, San Ramon, i am a deject. the women that i spend time with, as a result of the art projects that i have chosen to work on are young. and these are the women that i engage in conversations with. they are the people that find me acceptable for coffee dates, and for spending a few hours with doing photo shoots. and for 99% of the time, that is as far as my connections with these young women goes. a few hours on a photo shoot, coffee, and conversations on the internet. i don't ever have an agenda in mind of imagining that a young model friend could turn into anything deeper than just what it is. that what has happened between me and this one special young woman happened was unexpected and surprising. okay, going deeper... part of what the mechanics of my friendship with this person has had to deal with is the fact that she had been stuck in an unhappy relationship. and i became a good shoulder to cry on about what she was unhappy about. being a man of experience and wisdom, she would listen to my advice and an even stronger sense of trust was developed. i will admit to you right here and now, that for some time i did develop a half-secret agenda of my wanting to become a replacement for this man that she was so unhappy with. half-secret in that i let her know my true feelings about her. that i felt i'd be a better man for her. the other half of the secret is just how strong those feelings inside of me were. where i went to and what i did with those strong feelings, well, maybe in another blog entry i'll go more in depth. what ended up happening was that the reality of what her own true desires for her life were rang out the loudest, and she just did not want to be with me that way. because eventually, she did rid herself of that bad lover and was free and clear, on her own. and she did not turn to me. now, just this past week, she has connected with someone that may indeed be the man of her dreams. and i've helped her find him. and here is the rub. i'm so happy for her. why? because my love for her as a person is pure and true. i want her to be happy. that's all it comes down to. her life is not perfect. no one gets to have a perfect life. but now it's got more of the things missing from it than she's ever had. and i feel happier as a result. except that now as a result of her being with a man that she really, really loves and feels a deep soul connection with, she is going to become fully consumed in spending all of her time with him. part of why i got to spend as much time with her when she was in the unhappy relationship was because she took so much time off from being near that guy. i became a supplement to what was missing in that relationship. so do you see it now? she had half of herself to make available to me, and that is all that i've ever got to experience with her. now she is with someone that she wants to spend all of her time with, and well, this is why i feel compelled to write this out today. i will have very little access to her anymore. no more coffee dates, no more photo shoots, not much more internet conversation, and certainly no more hopes of me becoming a person that she'd cling to. i feel sad in a strange way because at the same time that i know i am losing real time with her, i am still very connected to her inwardly, as she admits she still needs to stay connected with me. and this is also what makes me sad about my existence. i am willing to devote and stay committed to someone that i get nothing other than spiritual excitement from. just like my relationship with the guru, it was symbolic and i had most of my conversations with her through prayer. i love this dear girl so much, that i am unshakeable, unable to be open to meeting someone else new. i am happier having her as an invisible friend than i would be being alone, without having my connection to her. as it is, i am invisible too, in this town, in this territory... unattractive as a potential component of anyone else's life that could use a devoted partner. i'm so screwed...