we broke last night...
i've never felt anything like this happen before. not exactly like this because i don't believe it. okay, wait. i've been through a divorce. i was married. joined solidly by the heart to someone after living with them for 8 years. whether you fully love a person during times like that or not, there is attachment and the tearing apart of such attachment hurts. i remember hurting, a lot when that happened.
my friend, my best friend that I could communicate with such truth to has just told me that she does not want me as a friend any longer. that she is unable to bear the negativism of how I have behaved, of how I have treated her. that i've become a foul tasting thing in her life and memories. i acknowledged my sins. but when i tried to remind her of good memories, there were none that arose in her mind, the blackness of my miserableness was too thick for her to see through.
now the strange thing to me is, that despite this casting out... i do not feel a separation in my heart from her. i told her that i was not going to close my heart against her. that despite her disgust and uncaring regard for me, i do not feel hurt by her - when in fact i should because of the callous disregard she has treated me with throughout much of our friendship. i am not one to notice that though. it is my other friends, and my therapist who have told me that she mistreated me and that i should not allow her to do so. i have always felt that any time, any treatment i received from her was good caring. even last night when she cast me down, it felt good to me. and today i feel the strangest sense of hope that if i just leave her alone one day she'll come back to me.
not that she'll return to her abuser, although she does consider me to be one. an emotional abuser of some sort. isn't it odd how one person's intent of good action can be received and turned around inside another person's mind into negativity and misdeeds? i feel most sad for her now because i fear that she feels more abandoned and unloved than ever before. i am doing what she has asked, but i don't think she expected these feelings to follow.
if you find this and read it, dear one, i do still love you and am carrying you inside my heart wrapped in protective arms for you to find your way. come back to me, please.
my friend, my best friend that I could communicate with such truth to has just told me that she does not want me as a friend any longer. that she is unable to bear the negativism of how I have behaved, of how I have treated her. that i've become a foul tasting thing in her life and memories. i acknowledged my sins. but when i tried to remind her of good memories, there were none that arose in her mind, the blackness of my miserableness was too thick for her to see through.
now the strange thing to me is, that despite this casting out... i do not feel a separation in my heart from her. i told her that i was not going to close my heart against her. that despite her disgust and uncaring regard for me, i do not feel hurt by her - when in fact i should because of the callous disregard she has treated me with throughout much of our friendship. i am not one to notice that though. it is my other friends, and my therapist who have told me that she mistreated me and that i should not allow her to do so. i have always felt that any time, any treatment i received from her was good caring. even last night when she cast me down, it felt good to me. and today i feel the strangest sense of hope that if i just leave her alone one day she'll come back to me.
not that she'll return to her abuser, although she does consider me to be one. an emotional abuser of some sort. isn't it odd how one person's intent of good action can be received and turned around inside another person's mind into negativity and misdeeds? i feel most sad for her now because i fear that she feels more abandoned and unloved than ever before. i am doing what she has asked, but i don't think she expected these feelings to follow.
if you find this and read it, dear one, i do still love you and am carrying you inside my heart wrapped in protective arms for you to find your way. come back to me, please.
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