we live...
sometimes there is just no explaining things. that last entry that i wrote was one of the most crucial and brutal experiences i've ever gone through in my entire life. a relationship like none other. and i really believed that i needed to, and was, going to die. well, i'm here now and it's July. i was going to be dead by the end of May according to how I felt being separated from my muse-girl. time continued on and did it's normal erosion-like thing of bringing about natural change. that which is strong and true will survive, and that which is corrupt and false will fall away.
remarkable transformations have occurred in the life of my muse-girl over the past month. somehow a spirit of fiery truth has gotten into her and she is no longer able to settle for living with people who torture her with mediocrity or lies and falsehoods. Her longtime boyfriend has reached a position of intolerability and she has left him for the last time, with no feelings that she'll ever fall slave to him again. And the young woman who has been her stalwart best friend for nearly a decade has crossed a line of trust that has exposed her to be someone that has never had anything other than selfish motivations in mind in their friendship, ever.
my friendship with her is still a mystery to me because i don't feel like she will ever spend the amount of time with me that she spent with her bf or bff, or that she'll ever become comfortable with talking with me openly and freely like best friends do, but i am who has appeared to stood by her the longest and truest through a lot of the things she's suffered over the past two years, and i believe in her ability to achieve the things that she wants to do and obtain in her life for her future.
i used to have a personal desire to be her lover, and i've experienced an advanced development beyond that which has given her a stronger sense of comfort in being around me. and now that she is not in the dedicated relationship to her old bf, and she is in a position where in the past, i would have said to her, "now you can come to me"; i'm not going to say that so as not to scare her away. I will never say such a thing to her, even though it is something in the depth of my heart i do want and would enjoy more than anything. My wanting it will never make it be. The only thing that will make it be is my never making her uncomfortable until she could possibly in a million years come to a change of mind on her own that she "wanted to be with me". Then that could happen. In the meantime, I am her wise friend that supports and encourages her spiritually.
what i feel i'm getting more ability to do is create a world in which she and i could live with each other, more and more easily. now that her bff is less of a time sucker, there is more free time for she and i to do things together. same with the bf being gone. anyway, i don't know where it will ultimately lead to. but for now, she and i are both content with it being a platonic relationship. she needs to have a romantic relationship in her life though. that is what feeds her soul the most, and that is what i must support her in being able to obtain so that she will be most happy. i'm not going to go into explanations here, now of why i am not a candidate for that position for her.
the point of this post is that she and i have come through so very much in the 23 months that we have known each other, and i'd like to look at this as a tantamount achievement, getting to this point where these two people have been removed from blocking her and i from being able to become closer partners in working together by being better friends. there is a magical flow of energy that is activated in us when we are free from interference. now that the interfering energy of those two is gone, it's going to be exciting to see what new adventures will avail themselves to us.
remarkable transformations have occurred in the life of my muse-girl over the past month. somehow a spirit of fiery truth has gotten into her and she is no longer able to settle for living with people who torture her with mediocrity or lies and falsehoods. Her longtime boyfriend has reached a position of intolerability and she has left him for the last time, with no feelings that she'll ever fall slave to him again. And the young woman who has been her stalwart best friend for nearly a decade has crossed a line of trust that has exposed her to be someone that has never had anything other than selfish motivations in mind in their friendship, ever.
my friendship with her is still a mystery to me because i don't feel like she will ever spend the amount of time with me that she spent with her bf or bff, or that she'll ever become comfortable with talking with me openly and freely like best friends do, but i am who has appeared to stood by her the longest and truest through a lot of the things she's suffered over the past two years, and i believe in her ability to achieve the things that she wants to do and obtain in her life for her future.
i used to have a personal desire to be her lover, and i've experienced an advanced development beyond that which has given her a stronger sense of comfort in being around me. and now that she is not in the dedicated relationship to her old bf, and she is in a position where in the past, i would have said to her, "now you can come to me"; i'm not going to say that so as not to scare her away. I will never say such a thing to her, even though it is something in the depth of my heart i do want and would enjoy more than anything. My wanting it will never make it be. The only thing that will make it be is my never making her uncomfortable until she could possibly in a million years come to a change of mind on her own that she "wanted to be with me". Then that could happen. In the meantime, I am her wise friend that supports and encourages her spiritually.
what i feel i'm getting more ability to do is create a world in which she and i could live with each other, more and more easily. now that her bff is less of a time sucker, there is more free time for she and i to do things together. same with the bf being gone. anyway, i don't know where it will ultimately lead to. but for now, she and i are both content with it being a platonic relationship. she needs to have a romantic relationship in her life though. that is what feeds her soul the most, and that is what i must support her in being able to obtain so that she will be most happy. i'm not going to go into explanations here, now of why i am not a candidate for that position for her.
the point of this post is that she and i have come through so very much in the 23 months that we have known each other, and i'd like to look at this as a tantamount achievement, getting to this point where these two people have been removed from blocking her and i from being able to become closer partners in working together by being better friends. there is a magical flow of energy that is activated in us when we are free from interference. now that the interfering energy of those two is gone, it's going to be exciting to see what new adventures will avail themselves to us.
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