and times change more still...
i have not written here in a very long time for a few reasons. one has been that i've been so full busy of the doings of my life that i've had no time or reason to contemplate or record my activities and thoughts. another reason i've stopped writing is because many of the activities i've been engaging in of late are no one's business but my own and my closest confidantes, and my suspicion has been aroused that there have been new readers of the blog that have cast judgement upon myself and other's close to me. that suspicion has led me to take steps to relocate the blog. whether that will hide it or not well enough, i do not know. why I do not just turn the blog entirely private is because i cannot write in this confessional manner that i enter into in these entries unless i have the sense that i am speaking before a wide open audience, as if i were in the court of God. in a private room, i would feel too scrutinized by my own observations to let myself speak freely. in a public forum, even though I may not tell everything, i will at least speak in a more presentable manner.
i have come back to write today because the wonderful chapter of my life that i've been experiencing over the past 18 months seems to have come to a semi-tragic end today, and i am on the threshold of entering an emotional period of turmoil of separation and heartbreak from the woman i have loved greater than any other, in such a very long, long time. i don't know how i'm even going to talk about it. just writing that last sentence was enough to start to release the reality of the pain into my body. i'm so tempted to turn on my camera and record what i look like right now as proof that i'm suffering like i am. at least for myself to remember? god, what vanity. i can't talk more about it tonight. but i'll come back over the next days to expand on what we were, what happened, and what my hope is for us to return to each other. it's a story of infatuation that turned to obsession that never had any sort of fulfillment except in my own mind. the simplicity of the satisfaction i achieved in return for what i sought from this woman would make most men in the world laugh at me for being so simplistic. i have never received a kiss from this woman, nor even held her hand in all of the time i have pursued her companionship, despite all of the gifts and favors I have bestowed upon her, yet i feel like i am the happiest man to have had any time at all in her presence where she smiled upon me and shared her time with me.
i miss her so very, very badly.
she would always say things like, "I'm not good enough for you. Please, go find someone better for yourself." but it is i that is the one that is not good enough for her. it is i who has caused her to have to leave me. and now i at least know that she is free of the torture that i became to her, and that i at least have the memories she gave me. but the pain of this breakup, even though we were just friends, good friends, is beyond any emotional pain i have suffered in a decade and a half. it's strong, it's making me feel alive, but the vacuum where you know the space where comfort of easy connection between two souls once was, that is now gone, it's so weird to stand on the sides of and look into. i have a holy regard for it, but i pray for some way for it to be healed and close up so that we can come back together.
i have come back to write today because the wonderful chapter of my life that i've been experiencing over the past 18 months seems to have come to a semi-tragic end today, and i am on the threshold of entering an emotional period of turmoil of separation and heartbreak from the woman i have loved greater than any other, in such a very long, long time. i don't know how i'm even going to talk about it. just writing that last sentence was enough to start to release the reality of the pain into my body. i'm so tempted to turn on my camera and record what i look like right now as proof that i'm suffering like i am. at least for myself to remember? god, what vanity. i can't talk more about it tonight. but i'll come back over the next days to expand on what we were, what happened, and what my hope is for us to return to each other. it's a story of infatuation that turned to obsession that never had any sort of fulfillment except in my own mind. the simplicity of the satisfaction i achieved in return for what i sought from this woman would make most men in the world laugh at me for being so simplistic. i have never received a kiss from this woman, nor even held her hand in all of the time i have pursued her companionship, despite all of the gifts and favors I have bestowed upon her, yet i feel like i am the happiest man to have had any time at all in her presence where she smiled upon me and shared her time with me.
i miss her so very, very badly.
she would always say things like, "I'm not good enough for you. Please, go find someone better for yourself." but it is i that is the one that is not good enough for her. it is i who has caused her to have to leave me. and now i at least know that she is free of the torture that i became to her, and that i at least have the memories she gave me. but the pain of this breakup, even though we were just friends, good friends, is beyond any emotional pain i have suffered in a decade and a half. it's strong, it's making me feel alive, but the vacuum where you know the space where comfort of easy connection between two souls once was, that is now gone, it's so weird to stand on the sides of and look into. i have a holy regard for it, but i pray for some way for it to be healed and close up so that we can come back together.
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