we are dead now...
someone please come bury us... that's practically what it feels like should happen. two full months have passed since my last entry here where I spoke about the digression of my wonderful friendship with my muse-girl, and even though i refused to give up, in my mind, or with my actions, my heart link stayed connected to her, well now it is all severed. there is only memories and ashes. she has ground me and all of my hopes of ever having any esteem in her eyes to crushed bone beneath her iron-studded boot heels. she hates me.
i, in one sense and one sense only, have given up the fight right now. and that sense is because of her how blinded she has become to any of the light that does exist inside of, between us. i know it is still there. i feel it. it will not go out. i have not lost my love for her or my belief in her or us. but i am in such a dismal state of self-worth right now because of how she has ground me to believe that, in her opinion i am nothing but a source of damage to her. what can i do but disappear and play dead until she forgets every bad thing i did/am/was/do? and hope that a new season will blow in that will refresh her memories of any of the good that i did bring to her life.
what is so dangerous about this right now is that in my commitment to her, i am allowing the power of her disregard for me take its full effect upon me. i am allowing my vision of a future in this world close down. i am allowing the claims she has made that i have damaged her soul/spirit/life malign my own spirit with guilt which is driving me to consider acts of self-judgment which is making me feel that i should not go on living. in case i may do to another innocent soul, what i did to her...
i can't photograph anyone ever again. because she was my muse. she was what brought fire of inspiration and electricity of joy to my work. no one made me nervous to hold my camera or have anticipation of when she might say that she felt like having me photograph her like she did. everyone else in the world is flat and monochrome in comparison to her. she let me slip just a little bit inside her soul when we worked together. it took time to get there, but the experience was unlike any i've ever had before, and nothing will compare. i can't look at any photographs i've taken of anyone else but hers. they just don't......o, i can't make you understand.
and we hardly got to know each other... so much interference from outsiders. if i could have fully appreciated her pleas and explanations for keeping our friendship secret we'd still be friends today. and now she has had her brain poisoned against me by the one person she warned about the most, just like she predicted.
i am going into a period of hiding where all of my energies will be contained to focus on recovering her, and what we had. i will prove my love for her by not showing adoration for any other women. no more photography. and i am going to read books. i don't know if i will be able to muster inspiration to go back to writing my own book because this is a period of dark mediation right now. i am in despair because there is no light coming from her anymore. all of my hope of there ever being friendship between us again is imagined on my behalf.
this is my strong self speaking. my dark self sees something different. that in this period of darkness cut off from her that i will suffocate. that i will not continue to exist. that i will end things. and why do i have this compulsion to believe that she is the only one? that there can't be anyone else? why can't he find another raven headed beauty to fascinate over... because this one could look into my soul and elicit truth from me. she awoke something in me more true than i've ever lived before. and she is an amazing mystery that makes me wonder every second of a day about her. i always think about what she's feeling. when we are together i forget about the rest of the world because i see nothing but her (and this is an actual fact that i shared with her one night. being a photographer of women, i pay attention to women in public places, noticing what they wear, what they look like... and i told her last summer since i started spending so much time with her that not only when i was with her, but all the time, i stopped looking at other women. i'm going to slip back into this state of mind again now... to meditate on her.) she is not a strong bodied young woman so she is not stronger than i am athletically, yet her youthfulness still energizes me and makes me feel better about my life, my health than i do when i only have myself to live for. mainly, she cared to take time to learn who i was and made me feel excited again about living because i knew someone that cared to know me and enjoyed spending time with me. she sparked spontaneity in me and brought me to dare to do things beyond what i believed was possible.
and all i need is a little breath from her to activate all of this light inside of me. a constant stream of breath from her... but she could not understand this, nor could she understand how that strength she gave me enabled me to be a sane and normal sense of strength (not unruly or confusing) for her. she has chosen, subconsciously to allow herself to be swept away into a whirlpool of chaos... or so i choose to believe. i do not know. perhaps everything in her life will improve now that i am no longer part of it. perhaps i was the one element that brought all of the previous chaos to the heights it rose to. i will probably never know. i do not think that she will ever open up to me again.
which leads me down my path towards destruction. i will condemn myself over the damage i caused. and i will stop myself from damaging any one else, her in particular, ever again. i do not know why i have not done it yet. well, i just need for my depression to build a little more strength so that a complete darkness engulfs me. i must read some more literature to emphasize the futility of living for myself, and i must examine the worthlessness of hoping that my future will be bright.
i think that pretty much wraps things up for now.
i, in one sense and one sense only, have given up the fight right now. and that sense is because of her how blinded she has become to any of the light that does exist inside of, between us. i know it is still there. i feel it. it will not go out. i have not lost my love for her or my belief in her or us. but i am in such a dismal state of self-worth right now because of how she has ground me to believe that, in her opinion i am nothing but a source of damage to her. what can i do but disappear and play dead until she forgets every bad thing i did/am/was/do? and hope that a new season will blow in that will refresh her memories of any of the good that i did bring to her life.
what is so dangerous about this right now is that in my commitment to her, i am allowing the power of her disregard for me take its full effect upon me. i am allowing my vision of a future in this world close down. i am allowing the claims she has made that i have damaged her soul/spirit/life malign my own spirit with guilt which is driving me to consider acts of self-judgment which is making me feel that i should not go on living. in case i may do to another innocent soul, what i did to her...
i can't photograph anyone ever again. because she was my muse. she was what brought fire of inspiration and electricity of joy to my work. no one made me nervous to hold my camera or have anticipation of when she might say that she felt like having me photograph her like she did. everyone else in the world is flat and monochrome in comparison to her. she let me slip just a little bit inside her soul when we worked together. it took time to get there, but the experience was unlike any i've ever had before, and nothing will compare. i can't look at any photographs i've taken of anyone else but hers. they just don't......o, i can't make you understand.
and we hardly got to know each other... so much interference from outsiders. if i could have fully appreciated her pleas and explanations for keeping our friendship secret we'd still be friends today. and now she has had her brain poisoned against me by the one person she warned about the most, just like she predicted.
i am going into a period of hiding where all of my energies will be contained to focus on recovering her, and what we had. i will prove my love for her by not showing adoration for any other women. no more photography. and i am going to read books. i don't know if i will be able to muster inspiration to go back to writing my own book because this is a period of dark mediation right now. i am in despair because there is no light coming from her anymore. all of my hope of there ever being friendship between us again is imagined on my behalf.
this is my strong self speaking. my dark self sees something different. that in this period of darkness cut off from her that i will suffocate. that i will not continue to exist. that i will end things. and why do i have this compulsion to believe that she is the only one? that there can't be anyone else? why can't he find another raven headed beauty to fascinate over... because this one could look into my soul and elicit truth from me. she awoke something in me more true than i've ever lived before. and she is an amazing mystery that makes me wonder every second of a day about her. i always think about what she's feeling. when we are together i forget about the rest of the world because i see nothing but her (and this is an actual fact that i shared with her one night. being a photographer of women, i pay attention to women in public places, noticing what they wear, what they look like... and i told her last summer since i started spending so much time with her that not only when i was with her, but all the time, i stopped looking at other women. i'm going to slip back into this state of mind again now... to meditate on her.) she is not a strong bodied young woman so she is not stronger than i am athletically, yet her youthfulness still energizes me and makes me feel better about my life, my health than i do when i only have myself to live for. mainly, she cared to take time to learn who i was and made me feel excited again about living because i knew someone that cared to know me and enjoyed spending time with me. she sparked spontaneity in me and brought me to dare to do things beyond what i believed was possible.
and all i need is a little breath from her to activate all of this light inside of me. a constant stream of breath from her... but she could not understand this, nor could she understand how that strength she gave me enabled me to be a sane and normal sense of strength (not unruly or confusing) for her. she has chosen, subconsciously to allow herself to be swept away into a whirlpool of chaos... or so i choose to believe. i do not know. perhaps everything in her life will improve now that i am no longer part of it. perhaps i was the one element that brought all of the previous chaos to the heights it rose to. i will probably never know. i do not think that she will ever open up to me again.
which leads me down my path towards destruction. i will condemn myself over the damage i caused. and i will stop myself from damaging any one else, her in particular, ever again. i do not know why i have not done it yet. well, i just need for my depression to build a little more strength so that a complete darkness engulfs me. i must read some more literature to emphasize the futility of living for myself, and i must examine the worthlessness of hoping that my future will be bright.
i think that pretty much wraps things up for now.
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