so what's changed...?

i'm not sure. realllly not sure. other than i've lived through experiences. time has passed in which i've done things. were the things i've done worth the energy expended. sure they were. i lived as much as i was capable of. have i progressed? tonight, sitting here in my room, still alone, it really doesn't feel like it because i have not gained or achieved what i've pursued. and if i give in to these feelings and thoughts for too long, i'm gonna start to do over what i always do. let myself get depressed. not sure how i'm gonna figure my way out of this one, because i do know that things have changed. i did better this time in this friend-making than i did last time(s). and there are other friends that i have, who had for some time been lost, who have come back. i just don't have the one amazing friend that will rely on me like they will on no other for their own peace and satisfaction. am i going to start looking for another? or reconsider others that are still here, and try to get closer to them? no. that part of me has not changed. i know that my own trying to "find someone" will only end in frustration. i would be better off returning to the path of meditation and forgetting about friendship and companionship. but i don't want to go that way. the experience i had over the past 29 months of dipping into and out of trust with this young woman were the most exciting and fulfilling i've experienced, not just since 1998, but ever. the quality and individual tenor of our friendship was so unique and exciting that i not only do not want to lose out on experiencing such closeness w/another human being again, i want to still hold onto hope that i could still have a future w/her. she's never done anything deliberate to hurt me, and she's endured endless torment from my own selfish and immature behaviors, that i fear there could be no one else as great as she is for me to connect with. that's a somewhat fatalistic position to take, but that's just sorta how i work. hardwired that way and i don't know what it'll take to change my mental framework. my whole mind needs a mental framework overhaul because i am so stuck and don't know what to do about anything. i have no goals, no plans, no new ideas... oh yeah, i still don't have any money. stuck in the doldrums of a middle life that feels like a tomb. on another vein, i had won my way into a plan with "S" to make an overnight trip to L.A. w/her on her birthday, which is in just 2 days. stole some other close friend's of her's position in that plan too, so i was really happy/excited about it too. but then when she announced that the new bf, who was an old bff was moving from Idaho back here to Concord, just to be near her... well, i knew it meant one thing. i had to give up my position in driving w/her to L.A. for the new fella to have. this upset her. a lot. she really did want to go with me. we had talked a lot last year about making a trip to L.A. together so that we had come to a an actual agreement/plan was a really major thing. but there was a more complex underlying aspect of what this trip is all about, that i felt it would have been selfish of me NOT to let her go w/the new bf. i don't want to talk about it now though. it just seems that she's upset that i gave up on the plan after i had fought so hard to win it. i can't fight her being newly in love because i fought so hard for her to get this new love. because in her way of doing things, i get my best access to her when she is happy and in love. when she is not in love, she becomes depressed, isolative and bitter... ah well, such is life.