let the healing begin...
this is going to be a rather personal blog entry methinks. also, maybe the last such one that i will post here on blogger. i have found that there is another blog system called VOX, that i actually already use just for my media blogging, that has privacy levels that can be set for entries. with such a feature i could curse and swear and give access to only who i wanted to let read those thoughts. i don't know how the distribution works yet, so hold for future announcements. i'm afraid that those who want to read will have to become members of Vox to get access. a hindrance, but one worth dealing with if you want to read my dirt.
ah youth... Renee Tickledrop thrilled my soul last night as we stood in line and told me a personal story of how, when she was 18 years old she took in an older fella that was coming off drugs. i think she related the story to me because she had knowledge of my struggle to come off drugs (psych meds) but also understood my desire to be with a young lover.
i am interested in sex, but it is not the complete goal of my desire. my desire is to be in love and to experience it's healing powers. sex would be a component of the relationship i desire as would cooking, talking (lots of talking), walking, sleeping, massaging, reading, spending time alone, missing each other, dreaming, listening to each other's music, hating things about each other, obsessing about small details, carrying each other's burdens... freeing each other.
standing next to Renee last night reminded me of Deirdre; the only woman older than my age i've ever been with. i loved Deirdre tremendously and felt like i could spend the rest of my life with her, despite elements of our relationship i thought were unfair. i was willing to accept those shortcomings for the prize of being mostly loved by her. and i loved that she was older than me, even if it was only a three year age difference. i'd be with a woman of my own age, or older in a second if she was unique enough to be a good fit to my abstruse personality. and i think the right woman of my own age could bring me the sexual healing i hunger for. i don't live in a city where i can meet interesting women of my own age though, that would possibly accept me because of my failure at being able to support myself financially. last woman my age i felt an attraction to was an anthropology teacher at DVC named Jayne. she is married though. that was 3 years ago when i even last saw her.
when i was in Jayne's class i came in contact with the first young woman i've ever felt the possibility of connecting with. she was 22 years old and I'll refer to her as "K". when i met K was at the time most like the situation in my life that Renee described. i was just starting to come off the drugs. after years of being over medicated i was just starting to emerge into the real world, but i was by no means well. i only got to spend a short period of time around her. we had coffee together after class 2 days a week for about 30 minutes at a time. and our time together in total was about 4 weeks. she on started to tap my imagination about what sexual interactions there could because my libido was greatly perturbed by the years of over medication. what i desired to experience with K was sitting together watching horror films; the strongest common interest we shared.
suddenly she stopped having coffee with me. i think it was when she realized that i was closer to her father's age than i was to hers. then i didn't see her around town for 2 years until recently when i saw her in a new, local Starbuxx where i spend a lot of time writing. every time she comes in she looks at me but she won't speak to me. and i'm to shy to talk to her. afraid of being rejected again. what i have noticed recently though is that when i see her my original attraction is stirred. i would love to have her for a girl friend. she has the vigor of youth and beauty in her that i feel i need to help me shake the pains of death that are mounting my bones and flesh. ooh, and she is a massage therapist.
i have one hope of someone helping me start talking to her again. Greg, one of my models knows her. he doesn't know of my interest in her other than i said i'd like to photograph her. i do think she'd be a perfect person for a fun, healing girl friend but she is probably too healthy emotionally to be in a relationship with an older man.
wow, that was a mouthful. too tired to say anymore now. except that i failed to mention that it was a free ticket that i got from Renee last night that got me into the show.
ah youth... Renee Tickledrop thrilled my soul last night as we stood in line and told me a personal story of how, when she was 18 years old she took in an older fella that was coming off drugs. i think she related the story to me because she had knowledge of my struggle to come off drugs (psych meds) but also understood my desire to be with a young lover.
i am interested in sex, but it is not the complete goal of my desire. my desire is to be in love and to experience it's healing powers. sex would be a component of the relationship i desire as would cooking, talking (lots of talking), walking, sleeping, massaging, reading, spending time alone, missing each other, dreaming, listening to each other's music, hating things about each other, obsessing about small details, carrying each other's burdens... freeing each other.
standing next to Renee last night reminded me of Deirdre; the only woman older than my age i've ever been with. i loved Deirdre tremendously and felt like i could spend the rest of my life with her, despite elements of our relationship i thought were unfair. i was willing to accept those shortcomings for the prize of being mostly loved by her. and i loved that she was older than me, even if it was only a three year age difference. i'd be with a woman of my own age, or older in a second if she was unique enough to be a good fit to my abstruse personality. and i think the right woman of my own age could bring me the sexual healing i hunger for. i don't live in a city where i can meet interesting women of my own age though, that would possibly accept me because of my failure at being able to support myself financially. last woman my age i felt an attraction to was an anthropology teacher at DVC named Jayne. she is married though. that was 3 years ago when i even last saw her.
when i was in Jayne's class i came in contact with the first young woman i've ever felt the possibility of connecting with. she was 22 years old and I'll refer to her as "K". when i met K was at the time most like the situation in my life that Renee described. i was just starting to come off the drugs. after years of being over medicated i was just starting to emerge into the real world, but i was by no means well. i only got to spend a short period of time around her. we had coffee together after class 2 days a week for about 30 minutes at a time. and our time together in total was about 4 weeks. she on started to tap my imagination about what sexual interactions there could because my libido was greatly perturbed by the years of over medication. what i desired to experience with K was sitting together watching horror films; the strongest common interest we shared.
suddenly she stopped having coffee with me. i think it was when she realized that i was closer to her father's age than i was to hers. then i didn't see her around town for 2 years until recently when i saw her in a new, local Starbuxx where i spend a lot of time writing. every time she comes in she looks at me but she won't speak to me. and i'm to shy to talk to her. afraid of being rejected again. what i have noticed recently though is that when i see her my original attraction is stirred. i would love to have her for a girl friend. she has the vigor of youth and beauty in her that i feel i need to help me shake the pains of death that are mounting my bones and flesh. ooh, and she is a massage therapist.
i have one hope of someone helping me start talking to her again. Greg, one of my models knows her. he doesn't know of my interest in her other than i said i'd like to photograph her. i do think she'd be a perfect person for a fun, healing girl friend but she is probably too healthy emotionally to be in a relationship with an older man.
wow, that was a mouthful. too tired to say anymore now. except that i failed to mention that it was a free ticket that i got from Renee last night that got me into the show.
Comments
That older fellow went by the name of Benson (not his real first name) and became like an older brother. I learned from him and he from me.
About sex and relationships. Wow Daryl. I think you get it dude and I truly hope that happens. I know first-hand what happens when love is lost. I lost my husband - he only age 42 and I 36 by a week. Tragic.
and I am moved by your stoicism. Being a young widow has got to be one
of the most tragic things. My mother is twice a widow and a know her
heartbreak is something she still wrestles with. My father was 36 when
he died from lung cancer.
Thank you for expressing understanding of what I write about when I
talk about desiring to be loved. I'm not crazy after all, right? I
have another blog commenter friend who is in a relationship, that like
an old-dude buddy keeps trying to discount "love" when I talk about it
and it saddens me.
Yeah, this thing about wanting a younger lover, maybe there is
something about the taboo element that makes it appealing to me, I'm
not sure. As in most cases with me the desire represents some sort of
spiritual quandary; you know, Freudian in some ways I think about
wanting to recapture what one missed in their own youth...
Thank you so much for speaking out! It means so much to me. And thank
you again for getting me into the concert on Saturday night! I still
don't know what happened with my magazine connections.