still moaning about sex...
I don't know why I feel it is important to keep rehashing this one topic; the facts of my being a single man - the reality, the hardship, the contentment... Last night I pondered this matter once again, while I sat in the hot tub at my health club, alone. I decided to scan my memory to determine exactly how many different times I have actually had sexual contact with other people. I came up with three different people; my first girl friend when I was around 19 years old, touching genitals was involved. The woman I was married to. Enough contact was experienced on at least one occasion to cause the birth of a child.
She and I never "made out", even once, (by that I mean we never kissed passionately nor was I allowed to touch her breasts or anything else) and I don't recall ever being allowed to see her naked body. After I broke up with her an older woman (no more than 4 or 5 years older than me) took me into her bedroom out of pity after hearing my story of desperation. I felt a sexual awakening that seemedpleasurable but I was not really attracted to this woman. Her roommate, on the other hand, I found tantalizing. I lived in her house after the older woman moved out, for another 2 months while we attended massage therapy school together. She used to come to my room in the mornings to wake me up for school and stand stark naked in my doorway. Extremely fit body, long brunette hair,unshaven ... tantalizing. I never touched her though, other than to practice massage on her. I did actually "slept" with this woman one night. Yes, curled up and slept in the back of her car, with her dog. We had driven to Goat Rock Beach in Sonoma County late on a Friday night and decided we were too tired to go home. Like I said before, "I never touched her."
In this time frame, around 1990, I remember another woman I met once. I was taking a 6 week program in "Holotropic Breathwork" in Berkeley. I was pretty involved with the Siddha Yoga ashram up the street in Emeryville at this time. A woman in the therapy group had just left living at the Rajneesh ashram up in Oregon and had resettled in Berkeley. Oh! And this same therapy group was where I met the woman that took me to her home that I had the after-marital experience with. Imagine that!
Well this woman I felt this attraction to at the second breathwork group, she was the most beautiful woman with the most beautiful soul I think I had ever met. And we both felt this strong attraction to each other. Her heart was so open and she looked at me and spoke to me so deeply. I never had a private conversation with her nor did I ever touch her. I was forced to leave the group because of a job offer I received that had conflicting hours. Due to patient/client confidentiality the doctor that led the group could not give me her phone number and I never saw her again. Ever. I think she and I could have been deep, deep soul lovers.
No, the next time I would have a woman in my life would not be until the year 1996. Ok, here is the calendar; Teenage lover = 1977. Conception of son = 1981. Massage girl-friend = 1989. First real lover that consumed me in her sex = 1996. And that is it. Do I have fear of commitment? No, I don't think that is what I am afraid of. I am afraid of falling so in love with another creature and then having that love end. Heartbreak is the most incredible pain in the world to me. And it breaks me down so badly.
But I'm wondering if this is something tied into my depressions of the past. That when I've been heartbroken before it leads into this deep chasm of depression. But now since I seem to have overcome the travails of depression of my old ways, maybe I would not fall into depression again if I were to become heartbroken again. I don't want to become a cruel lover, meaning that I would not be the "mean one" in the relationship that would cause a breakup or inflict the pain to hurt the other person. I don't know if I'll go into my next relationship more defensively either. I want to be vulnerable. I think that is necessary to be able to really feel love. And of course, I want to experience some heartbreak but I just don't want it to totally slay me, you know? I have to be able to recover quickly so that I can continue on with my work.
Now I've lost where I was going with this whole matter. I guess I was trying to sound sorry for myself about not being able to be close to someone now. and that it has been so very long and infrequently that I've experienced closeness to another human. Oh, well I did actually make a "move" on someone the other night that I feel attracted to, imagine that! Although I did not consciously think of it as trying to pick her up. She is a bartender at Slim's. I saw her for the first time about a year ago on a night I was there with my friend Rita. My thoughts when I first saw this woman was that I wanted to have her as a photographic model. This was before I had actually started shooting models; at that time she would have been one of my first. And then I never saw her again over this whole past year. Well, the other night while I was at Slim's for the HorrorPops concert I remembered her and asked Ray if he knew who she was. I never go to the bar because I don't drink, and well, I don't have enough money to drink! I left my position at the stage this night early though and went to stand at the bar to rest for a moment and regroup. While standing there I looked up and saw that "she" was there! Behind the bar, working. It didn't take me long to make a decision.
I took out my notebook and scribbled down a note for her. "I'm working on a photography project of women in cemeteries and I'd love to photograph you and your daughters (I remember from our previous conversation that she said she had two teenage girls). Look at my website (I gave her my new business card) and if you like my website contact me!" She read it and then leaned over the bar with a big smile on her face and started to tell me that she was interested. It seemed funny that she seemed so interested without knowing any more about me or what my work is like. But she was very talkative and told me that she was working in a circus now (and that I could photograph her there) and just before I left - it was too noisy to talk really, she said, "I also have access to a train that we could use." Bizarre. She is very pretty in a sort of heroin chic way. Is she girl friend material? She would be a wild and crazy girl friend to me; probably way more than I could handle. I am weak, old, and breakable. I don't think so.
Okay, now I am tired of telling this story so I will stop. I don't know if I accomplished what I wanted to or not in telling it. Oh, it's only been 36 hours since I gave her my card and I have not received an email from her yet. Probably won't. And I said that I was not using my business card to try to pick her up, right? Really, I wasn't. I don't think that way. I think that if a woman was interested in me and gave me signs I would not even know it. Was this woman giving "me" signs telling me about all the places that I could photograph her? Could be but I didn't read it that way, and won't.
I guess though, I am thinking that my time must be coming. I want love. I can love. I deserve love. It's been a hell of a long time since I've had love, so I'm due, right? Could I be coming to a point in my life where I get to meet the "love of my life"? I would hope so. Oh, and this 7 year life cycle thing might actually mean something. I'm living my 49th year now, my 7th seven. And I am the happiest I have ever been with the work I have to do. My photography, my writing... not getting paid but I don't really care. I mean I do but I'm not stressing about it. At least I'm having fun doing the things I love to do the most. I get to write, I get to go to concerts for free, I get to photograph beautiful women (and men), I'm working on my novel - which I think I may actually finish this year. Yeah, in a lot of ways, this is the best year I've ever had and that it is starting so strongly is pretty remarkable.
I do have a potential option for some income this year in shooting weddings. My model/friend Rachel wants to work with me as a business partner in doing weddings. So I am scouting for opportunities. If you know of anyone that wants to have artistic photography done of their wedding let me know. Another thing I am thinking I need to do is get away to an isolated location for a month or two so that I can sit down and have some uninterrupted time to just pour my novel out. A house sitting situation where I would have limited access to theInternet. Away from distractions... anyone need a house sitter for a month or two? Let me know!! Okay, fin!
She and I never "made out", even once, (by that I mean we never kissed passionately nor was I allowed to touch her breasts or anything else) and I don't recall ever being allowed to see her naked body. After I broke up with her an older woman (no more than 4 or 5 years older than me) took me into her bedroom out of pity after hearing my story of desperation. I felt a sexual awakening that seemedpleasurable but I was not really attracted to this woman. Her roommate, on the other hand, I found tantalizing. I lived in her house after the older woman moved out, for another 2 months while we attended massage therapy school together. She used to come to my room in the mornings to wake me up for school and stand stark naked in my doorway. Extremely fit body, long brunette hair,unshaven ... tantalizing. I never touched her though, other than to practice massage on her. I did actually "slept" with this woman one night. Yes, curled up and slept in the back of her car, with her dog. We had driven to Goat Rock Beach in Sonoma County late on a Friday night and decided we were too tired to go home. Like I said before, "I never touched her."
In this time frame, around 1990, I remember another woman I met once. I was taking a 6 week program in "Holotropic Breathwork" in Berkeley. I was pretty involved with the Siddha Yoga ashram up the street in Emeryville at this time. A woman in the therapy group had just left living at the Rajneesh ashram up in Oregon and had resettled in Berkeley. Oh! And this same therapy group was where I met the woman that took me to her home that I had the after-marital experience with. Imagine that!
Well this woman I felt this attraction to at the second breathwork group, she was the most beautiful woman with the most beautiful soul I think I had ever met. And we both felt this strong attraction to each other. Her heart was so open and she looked at me and spoke to me so deeply. I never had a private conversation with her nor did I ever touch her. I was forced to leave the group because of a job offer I received that had conflicting hours. Due to patient/client confidentiality the doctor that led the group could not give me her phone number and I never saw her again. Ever. I think she and I could have been deep, deep soul lovers.
No, the next time I would have a woman in my life would not be until the year 1996. Ok, here is the calendar; Teenage lover = 1977. Conception of son = 1981. Massage girl-friend = 1989. First real lover that consumed me in her sex = 1996. And that is it. Do I have fear of commitment? No, I don't think that is what I am afraid of. I am afraid of falling so in love with another creature and then having that love end. Heartbreak is the most incredible pain in the world to me. And it breaks me down so badly.
But I'm wondering if this is something tied into my depressions of the past. That when I've been heartbroken before it leads into this deep chasm of depression. But now since I seem to have overcome the travails of depression of my old ways, maybe I would not fall into depression again if I were to become heartbroken again. I don't want to become a cruel lover, meaning that I would not be the "mean one" in the relationship that would cause a breakup or inflict the pain to hurt the other person. I don't know if I'll go into my next relationship more defensively either. I want to be vulnerable. I think that is necessary to be able to really feel love. And of course, I want to experience some heartbreak but I just don't want it to totally slay me, you know? I have to be able to recover quickly so that I can continue on with my work.
Now I've lost where I was going with this whole matter. I guess I was trying to sound sorry for myself about not being able to be close to someone now. and that it has been so very long and infrequently that I've experienced closeness to another human. Oh, well I did actually make a "move" on someone the other night that I feel attracted to, imagine that! Although I did not consciously think of it as trying to pick her up. She is a bartender at Slim's. I saw her for the first time about a year ago on a night I was there with my friend Rita. My thoughts when I first saw this woman was that I wanted to have her as a photographic model. This was before I had actually started shooting models; at that time she would have been one of my first. And then I never saw her again over this whole past year. Well, the other night while I was at Slim's for the HorrorPops concert I remembered her and asked Ray if he knew who she was. I never go to the bar because I don't drink, and well, I don't have enough money to drink! I left my position at the stage this night early though and went to stand at the bar to rest for a moment and regroup. While standing there I looked up and saw that "she" was there! Behind the bar, working. It didn't take me long to make a decision.
I took out my notebook and scribbled down a note for her. "I'm working on a photography project of women in cemeteries and I'd love to photograph you and your daughters (I remember from our previous conversation that she said she had two teenage girls). Look at my website (I gave her my new business card) and if you like my website contact me!" She read it and then leaned over the bar with a big smile on her face and started to tell me that she was interested. It seemed funny that she seemed so interested without knowing any more about me or what my work is like. But she was very talkative and told me that she was working in a circus now (and that I could photograph her there) and just before I left - it was too noisy to talk really, she said, "I also have access to a train that we could use." Bizarre. She is very pretty in a sort of heroin chic way. Is she girl friend material? She would be a wild and crazy girl friend to me; probably way more than I could handle. I am weak, old, and breakable. I don't think so.
Okay, now I am tired of telling this story so I will stop. I don't know if I accomplished what I wanted to or not in telling it. Oh, it's only been 36 hours since I gave her my card and I have not received an email from her yet. Probably won't. And I said that I was not using my business card to try to pick her up, right? Really, I wasn't. I don't think that way. I think that if a woman was interested in me and gave me signs I would not even know it. Was this woman giving "me" signs telling me about all the places that I could photograph her? Could be but I didn't read it that way, and won't.
I guess though, I am thinking that my time must be coming. I want love. I can love. I deserve love. It's been a hell of a long time since I've had love, so I'm due, right? Could I be coming to a point in my life where I get to meet the "love of my life"? I would hope so. Oh, and this 7 year life cycle thing might actually mean something. I'm living my 49th year now, my 7th seven. And I am the happiest I have ever been with the work I have to do. My photography, my writing... not getting paid but I don't really care. I mean I do but I'm not stressing about it. At least I'm having fun doing the things I love to do the most. I get to write, I get to go to concerts for free, I get to photograph beautiful women (and men), I'm working on my novel - which I think I may actually finish this year. Yeah, in a lot of ways, this is the best year I've ever had and that it is starting so strongly is pretty remarkable.
I do have a potential option for some income this year in shooting weddings. My model/friend Rachel wants to work with me as a business partner in doing weddings. So I am scouting for opportunities. If you know of anyone that wants to have artistic photography done of their wedding let me know. Another thing I am thinking I need to do is get away to an isolated location for a month or two so that I can sit down and have some uninterrupted time to just pour my novel out. A house sitting situation where I would have limited access to theInternet. Away from distractions... anyone need a house sitter for a month or two? Let me know!! Okay, fin!
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