miss m... mis~stake...
i don't get it for a long time when someone is interested in me. it doesn't happen often enough for me to understand the mechanics of how someone shows "signs" of being interested in me. after i finally got it and i started to spend time around her it became more clear, what her signs were. it had been going on for weeks though, and i just didn't know.
once it became clear i became over enthusiastic. i think that is what must have been the reason for the breakdown that we suffered. she freaked out though, which i don't really understand. it was ugly and even now trying to recall just enough of it all to make a story to tell you makes waves of awfulness wash over my heart. it was a bad enough breakdown of a friendship that could have been a relationship that makes me even more frightful of trusting the path of romance ever again.
but she, Miss M, was the first genuine 18 year old i became involved with. ever. i thought she was probably 22 and was surprised to learn she was just 18. she seemed more mature, or so i thought, and hoped. she was, and is still a very fascinating person to me. mind you, i have zero contact with her except through being able to view her photography via her flickr account. she lives in an incredible location and is working on documenting the history of this place, Port Costa. i could have grown to love her. all i really hoped to experience before she tired of me and threw me aside was a summer of love. an affair with an artist. and i thought getting to last 3-6 months with her would have been an easily attainable goal.
i didn't last a week. it was a glorious week too, in my books. we spent time creating art together, we ate together and we had one evening of holding each other and watching movies. oh how i dreamed there would be many, many more nights like that together. she was smart, opinionated, outspoken, gregarious and quite talented. yeah, i was falling in love with her too. when things froze up i couldn't understand what had happened.
it all came down to the fact that she felt that she could not become physical with someone. that it interrupts with her work, her art too much. and maybe she was right. and maybe it would have done the same to me. i didn't care or wasn't afraid though and i needed to find out. i wanted art and love. why not? didn't i deserve that? a chance to experience that just once?
and now i am a year older and further from a chance of meeting another art chick to have an affair with. and you know i don't mean affair in the extramarital sense. i'm not married. i mean affair in the sense that i just want to have an experience of being in love, even if it is only for a short time. a quick love. a fast heartbreak. one that lets me get at least some of the nurturing that i hunger for so badly. some time away from the loneliness. a breather from the solitary confinement the gods punish me with.
i'm so close to giving up on believing it will ever happen. that is part of why when Miss M was giving me signals i didn't receive them. i don't believe love is possible. and when i try to make love connections they don't work. monastery baby, that is where you need to live. free from exposure to the sights and sounds and scents of the world in a place where you can entirely forget about the things that you don't have.
i have no real world social scene now. i go to concerts but i never have any awareness of there being a chance that i could connect with a female in these places. for one thing, i am out of my town. no, college classes were the place to get to actually know someone. with this academic probation i am under right now i have no idea when i'll ever be let enroll in classes again. there are so many things i could be learning; one of importance is American Sign Language. i need to learn this soon as my mother is loosing her hearing and this may become the only means i'll have to communicate with her on a personal level.
ok, this posting that was supposed to be about one thing is turning into a rant about other things... i'll shut up now.
this blog post was written while sitting inside my car outside of a Starbuttz in San Ramon. i don't even have enough money to go inside and have a cuppa.
once it became clear i became over enthusiastic. i think that is what must have been the reason for the breakdown that we suffered. she freaked out though, which i don't really understand. it was ugly and even now trying to recall just enough of it all to make a story to tell you makes waves of awfulness wash over my heart. it was a bad enough breakdown of a friendship that could have been a relationship that makes me even more frightful of trusting the path of romance ever again.
but she, Miss M, was the first genuine 18 year old i became involved with. ever. i thought she was probably 22 and was surprised to learn she was just 18. she seemed more mature, or so i thought, and hoped. she was, and is still a very fascinating person to me. mind you, i have zero contact with her except through being able to view her photography via her flickr account. she lives in an incredible location and is working on documenting the history of this place, Port Costa. i could have grown to love her. all i really hoped to experience before she tired of me and threw me aside was a summer of love. an affair with an artist. and i thought getting to last 3-6 months with her would have been an easily attainable goal.
i didn't last a week. it was a glorious week too, in my books. we spent time creating art together, we ate together and we had one evening of holding each other and watching movies. oh how i dreamed there would be many, many more nights like that together. she was smart, opinionated, outspoken, gregarious and quite talented. yeah, i was falling in love with her too. when things froze up i couldn't understand what had happened.
it all came down to the fact that she felt that she could not become physical with someone. that it interrupts with her work, her art too much. and maybe she was right. and maybe it would have done the same to me. i didn't care or wasn't afraid though and i needed to find out. i wanted art and love. why not? didn't i deserve that? a chance to experience that just once?
and now i am a year older and further from a chance of meeting another art chick to have an affair with. and you know i don't mean affair in the extramarital sense. i'm not married. i mean affair in the sense that i just want to have an experience of being in love, even if it is only for a short time. a quick love. a fast heartbreak. one that lets me get at least some of the nurturing that i hunger for so badly. some time away from the loneliness. a breather from the solitary confinement the gods punish me with.
i'm so close to giving up on believing it will ever happen. that is part of why when Miss M was giving me signals i didn't receive them. i don't believe love is possible. and when i try to make love connections they don't work. monastery baby, that is where you need to live. free from exposure to the sights and sounds and scents of the world in a place where you can entirely forget about the things that you don't have.
i have no real world social scene now. i go to concerts but i never have any awareness of there being a chance that i could connect with a female in these places. for one thing, i am out of my town. no, college classes were the place to get to actually know someone. with this academic probation i am under right now i have no idea when i'll ever be let enroll in classes again. there are so many things i could be learning; one of importance is American Sign Language. i need to learn this soon as my mother is loosing her hearing and this may become the only means i'll have to communicate with her on a personal level.
ok, this posting that was supposed to be about one thing is turning into a rant about other things... i'll shut up now.
this blog post was written while sitting inside my car outside of a Starbuttz in San Ramon. i don't even have enough money to go inside and have a cuppa.
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