confused... confession...

i'm not afraid, that is not why i agreed to do what she asked yesterday. she has been harping on me for months now to take just one pill. one pill to satisfy her worries. one pill to put a hook into me is what it seems like to me. she asked me yesterday if i were "hiding information" from her. about my condition. whether i was having "swings". i said, "no, i am not lying to you. i am fine. i just don't dream anymore."

i started taking Tylenol Night Time tablets about two months ago because i was going so long on just 4 hours of sleep a night. and it wasn't because i was tired, or working too many hours to not be able to get enough sleep. 4 hours felt like enough sleep. i knew that was a bad sign though. yeah, i started taking the TNT several months after not having any Ambien in my system at all. just out of hunger for a dream.

last time i saw her though i also told her i was having trouble concentrating. that WAS a lie. i can concentrate as well as i ever have been able to over the past year. it was a ploy to get some Adderal for a friend. that was why i lied about that. "can you concentrate Daryl?" she asked yesterday. i thought, you know, "last week i had trouble staying focused on important things i needed to finish by a deadline. so yeah, occasionally it is a problem..."

"you can't sleep. you can't concentrate. i'm worried that you are genuinely hypomanic. i want you to try some Seroquel." damn. she said the name of the damnable drug i despise the most. Seroquel is a mind & life fucker. i already told her months ago that i HATE Seroquel. it is one of the most powerfully intoxicating drugs with immediate effect i've ever taken. yet, i ended up leaving her office not with a script in my hand, but the script waiting for me to pick up at the pharmacy.

i just want to dream... used to take 200mg of Seroquel a night. one time my psychotic pdoc Dinaburg told me to take 400mg at one time. i was sitting at my desk at around 11pm when i did that. it took me over 30 minutes to find my way, both visually and physically to my bed in the room across the hallway after that shit kicked in. bad, BAD medicine.

but i took some last night. 25mgs. it actually made me feel comfortable enough to go to sleep without the television on. something i have rarely been able to do in over 15 years. and i slept for 8 hours. AND I DREAMED... lovely, intricate, confusing, intense visions of the otherworld... i loved it and could have gotten some good descriptive story telling out of it if i had been able to do some writing this morning. i was in a rush to take Gigi to a pet sitting job, but also, until just now today i have not felt clear enough in my head to get some thoughts together.

my vision is drawn inward though and i feel a sort of focus i have not felt in awhile. i have two more blog posts to write, soon. one will be about the only 18 year old i have been involved with; Miss M i'll call her. and the other will be about the truth of where this whole fascination with 18 year olds comes from. then maybe i won't need to talk about it anymore at all.

the next post (Miss M) i will post directly here to blogger. the second one though i am going to encrypt and test out a new method for posting it. i will either translate the text into italian or norwegian and give an image link to the english source of the translation. the translation though will be posted in my Vox blog under "friends privacy". that means that the public will not be able to read it. you will need to obtain an access code to get there. this will be a good exercise for me to see how many people are actually reading this tripe i put out here... depending on how truthful and deep i go with that writing i will probably only grant access to people i do actually know personally.

oh, one last thing about the Seroquel; it is an anti-psychotic. that means it works to quell hallucinations. what i find though is that while the drug is building up its presence in your system it actually empowers what it is trying to fight. today while out driving i had an experience i have not felt in a very long time; trees were calling out to me...