THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

Several things... some are not new; my ever-living novel, which only a couple of people have had glimpses of is still on my mind. I woke up with a new spell of inspiration to work on editing it, yet again, back in March... and then last week I had a resurgence of inspiration with an actual procedural breakthrough that gave me even more hope of finishing it. I need to get rid of these gaps of rising hope and inspiration and get a constant stream of dedication to the project. I can't give any forecast of how long this editing - now it'll actually be rewriting/editing, page by page, will take. I'll just keep letting you know here whether I'm working on it at the present moment or not. I've had a reawakened interest in reading the tarot develop. My best friend had a remarkable experience of determining that reading the tarot is her calling in life, and I've been riding a little bit on her coattails - I've bought a couple of new decks and have been trying to do...

Wow, 9 months since I last felt the need to write here... I didn't die. I didn't fall in love. Well, maybe those are half truths... parts of me have died, and parts of me have been in love. Nothing tremendous has happened in that time, though. I didn't get another new job. I didn't graduate from college. I have not met the love of my life. I have just kept on doing enough things in satisfactorily enough fashion to keep me out of jail, out of the mental ward, and out of being buried in the cemetery. Have I settled for mediocrity then? Perhaps I have. It seems that when I used to be under the compulsion to write here I had strong feelings about things.  I had strong questions about the ideas I was contemplating and wondered aloud about how to make the right decisions for myself. I used to cogitate the projects I was dreaming up and I complained about how I never had the right kind of support I needed to get things done right. Yes, I do miss the writing/talking aloud tha...

It's becoming more and more obvious that I am probably going to start taking psych meds again for my depression heavy bipolar disorder. I am back in the worse sleep routine style of behavior which is a major indicator of being depressed, and the use of kratom is not shaking me out of it. I am back in a routine-less, structure-less life with no ambitions or goals. Nothing I had feelings of being able to dream into reality earlier this year seem realistic anymore. I am not feeling an extreme desperation about this yet, but it's likely to wrap itself around me before too long. The main thing that worries me about going back on meds is how I'll become incapacitated and literally unable to take care of my mom. Here is what I think using meds could possibly do to help me. They'll help me restructure my daily schedule and wrestle back a normal sleep pattern. Right now I can't even tell you what regularity there is in my sleep other than I stay awake until 5am and wake up...

(cross posting from a private blog i keep... just sharing this because it is not entirely private in the ways that I typically write over there... the "muses" I refer to are my belief that I've created for myself that there are three personalities, three writers - two living, one dead, who I write to for inspiration about my creative writing... ) And coming here to talk to you three is the only way that I feel like I'm making any kind of connection to someone that can hear, that listens, and might possibly care. I don't care that none of you are ever going to see or read what I write - what can I do to change that misfortune of mine, that I live separately from living beings that could know me, and might care about me. There is nothing I can do. I'll always be alone and separate like this. I want to be working on my novel(s) again, but I am so scattered with my thoughts and motives and my ability to concentrate. I can't make my life come into order the w...

not for me... no, not this year, not any year. of all the years i've lived in the San Francisco Bay Area (50+ years) i've never attended any type of activities that the gay population engage in. never been to Halloween in the Castro, never been to a Pride Parade. why? because i do not consider myself to be homosexual. and i don't like to be mistaken for being homosexual - even though i know people think that i could be. i've never had any sort of romantic connection with anyone male. i just don't feel any type of attraction to men that way. i think i've isolated myself into a corner though because i don't connect with women romantically either. it's just easier to be alone than to have to deal with the miscues and misunderstood interpretations of what is going on beneath the surface of someone's private life and interior mind. i'm just posting these thoughts now because nearly everyone that i know here in the Bay Area is involved with the celebra...

It's been weird, these past few weeks since I left my job at Whole Foods. It's my old life again. In the first few days I felt determined to take a new attitude - but now it feels like those were shallow wishes. Big change takes time. It takes deeper understanding and new thinking. But also creative thinking much different than you've thought of before. Routine is a bitch to own. Too much of it and you become a slave, not enough of it and you become a sloth. i'm just noticing old behaviors that want to reclaim my time. I can't let them enslave me. A woman in Oregon has been talking a lot lately about serving/working for/being employed by "The Universe", and her experiences, even though I don't really know anything about what she's doing - other than she's an artist/singer/muse/model/photographer-etc - she comes up every few days with statements about how she keeps aligned and attuned to the Universe's urgeings. It's just enough to piq...

I have a really, really, REALLY good friend that is a young woman. She and I have become very dependent on one another for deep personal communication for a number of years now. But we are not romantically connected in anyway. There are times when I feel desires to be involved with someone of the opposite sex for romance, but the feelings are never strong enough to make me actually make anything happen with someone. I base this on my acceptance of the reality of my life, that I get along just fine in this world on my own. And the longer I go on accepting this position, the harder it becomes to believe that something different could happen. My drive to find someone new to get to know more personally than I know my friend is weak and sporadic. There are times when I really want something to happen, for someone new to appear and for getting to know them to happen effortlessly. But it's rare. Over the past 2-3 months I opened my heart and mind to the possibilities of this again, and ...