THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

First I had a guru, who I loved extremely. Then I discovered the blessing of having muses... a little bit like having your own, intimate guru to play with. The beautiful thing about both of these experiences is that I did not know I was capable of being balanced enough karmically to receive these people into my life. I believe that the best way to be blessed by something like a guru, or a muse is to not be looking for one. This puts me into a bit of a predicament now because I no longer have a connection with my guru like I used to, and I also have lost my muse. I loved the lives I lived with both of them, and now, this void I've fallen into makes me hungry for someone new like them to come to me. They are people that cannot be replaced. You cannot say, "I want to find another guru like Gurumayi..." and then go around taste testing all the gurus out there trying to find someone just like her to fill up your life. And you especially cannot go out there and say, "I...

I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years. I've learned that I can be a very loyal friend, and that I enjoy being that type of person. I have learned that my life is better when I live in close personal proximity to another person. I grow, and the person I associate with also grows. I went through many difficult cycles of development and growth in the deep and complex friendship I built with this person. There were times when we both needed to take breaks from one another because the intensity of our interactions were overwhelming. Namely, the intensity of the desire we both shared for each other's company was limited because of obligations she had to another person in her life. She's in a committed relationship with a man who is her sexual lover. I fulfilled aspects of her desires in camaraderie that this man could not fulfill for her. What this led to was creating desire in me to become the one that would fulfill her desires in all aspects. I desired to ...

Just making some notes while I have these ideas running through my mind. They are strange and I don't know if I'll ever think them again. Since I've started working on these ideas of ancestral healing, I've been getting lots of ideas from the lives that my ancestors lived. There were a lot of farmers in my family line. A lot of them lived in Ohio. And they had big families with lots of kids. I told my new friend Libby about the desire, idea that I came up with when I lived in Ireland of wanting to have an organic farming operation there and she was really excited by the idea of that. It never came off the ground because I didn't have enough money to buy, or even rent a farm. I told her about how my son has been living out my thoughts about becoming a missionary over there too... Thinking more about the effects my ancestors have had on my life, and upon the life of my family, I have thought for a long time that we were cursed by my father's ghost after he d...

So many things have happened, I don't think it matters what I begin with. So I'll just let this flow... i got a JOB! who would ever have guessed that this would or COULD happen. but i've been working on putting the bug in the ear of a local employer since August that I was interested in working for them. And I knew I qualified well enough to be able to do the work. it's at Windmill Farms, our town "vegetable stand". They've been in business since 1974, when my family first moved here and I did work for them before, the first year I was married. i'm just working as a cashier, which is hella easy and fun. I need to get in touch with Social Security and with my welfare worker to let them know, but I think it's safe to wait until I get my first paycheck.  .... the implications of this are rather huge. I can start to do so many things, theoretically at least. like save money to make a trip to Ireland. and begin to pay off my student loan. even thoug...

I've written about ideas for changes in my life when the beginning of new years roll up for awhile here in this blog. Don't remember if I've done it every year or not.. I remember that some have been very hopeful with the ideas I'd come up with. This should be a hopeful new beginning after the health improvements I experienced this past year, but for some reasons I don't fully comprehend, I don't feel entirely hopeful, or energetic. So I'm just gonna let these ideas roll out here and see what they look like. One thing I need to do is figure out how to make money. Mentally, I feel pretty good about the idea of having a job. The fear that I feel about seeking work, getting work, and keeping a job seems like something I can finally work through. I felt more courageous about doing this a few months ago when I was feeling really strong and energetic in the summer. There was a bit of a failure of my courage when I lost access for a short period of time to my bes...

I made $75 last night driving a car around downtown SF for some computer geeks that needed help testing out some software they're making. And I got really excited because I had also been talking to a local private taxi company (called Sidecar) about becoming a driver for them. Seeing people downtown trying to get rides was making me think of how much money I could make. But now it turns out that I really do not have a car to use to do this kind of job and I'm back in the black hole of negative options for a normal persons future because I'm back to believing I'll never make money or be able to afford to do anything I want to do in this world. I walked here to a cafe to work on my novel tonight and I can't get my head/mind out of the gloom enough to even feel or think creatively. My son's birthday was on Monday this week. I called him every day of the week but he never answers the phone. He talks to his mother though because she sends him gifts and money and I ...

ugh, i came to a cafe tonight that i used to spend a lot of time at writing, over  the past couple of years. i completed nanowrimo here, once or twice. but i'm not enjoying being here tonight. its extremely noisy and very bright. even with headphones on i cannot drown out the ruckus in here from people talking and the music system blaring. i only came here because it's a closer walk from home than the 3 miles it is to my cafe of choice. seeing that it gets dark so early now i don't look forward to walking all that distance in total darkness. a few weeks ago i'd get home at 9pm and it would still be light out. i need my exercise and don't want to give that up to start driving to the cafe. i had a half thought the other day about switching my writing habits to mornings, but i doubt very much i'll be able to pull that off. morning cafe people are extremely noisy too. i wanted to talk a bit about my new idea for nanowrimo, which starts on Saturday! i could actua...