not feeling great...

I made $75 last night driving a car around downtown SF for some computer geeks that needed help testing out some software they're making. And I got really excited because I had also been talking to a local private taxi company (called Sidecar) about becoming a driver for them. Seeing people downtown trying to get rides was making me think of how much money I could make. But now it turns out that I really do not have a car to use to do this kind of job and I'm back in the black hole of negative options for a normal persons future because I'm back to believing I'll never make money or be able to afford to do anything I want to do in this world.

I walked here to a cafe to work on my novel tonight and I can't get my head/mind out of the gloom enough to even feel or think creatively. My son's birthday was on Monday this week. I called him every day of the week but he never answers the phone. He talks to his mother though because she sends him gifts and money and I have the joy of looking forward to being ostracized by him further next month when he visits California (for the first time in 3 years) when he'll be staying at her house.

I'd like to go for a walk in a forest when I'm in Oregon next month and find some nasty mushrooms to eat. I could lay down with the newts and snails and just never wake up again.