thinking out loud about things that need to change...
I've written about ideas for changes in my life when the beginning of new years roll up for awhile here in this blog. Don't remember if I've done it every year or not.. I remember that some have been very hopeful with the ideas I'd come up with. This should be a hopeful new beginning after the health improvements I experienced this past year, but for some reasons I don't fully comprehend, I don't feel entirely hopeful, or energetic. So I'm just gonna let these ideas roll out here and see what they look like.
One thing I need to do is figure out how to make money. Mentally, I feel pretty good about the idea of having a job. The fear that I feel about seeking work, getting work, and keeping a job seems like something I can finally work through. I felt more courageous about doing this a few months ago when I was feeling really strong and energetic in the summer. There was a bit of a failure of my courage when I lost access for a short period of time to my best friend who I is the main person that I talk to about the things going on in my life. She and I are reconnected now and I am feeling my courage rise up again.
The most logical place for me to consider getting a job at is the local fresh fruit stand, which is about a mile from home. I can walk or ride my bike there. They advertise needing someone to work on the weekends, and 2 other days during the week. If they would let me work the closing hours shift, I think I'd be able to be reliable and get to work everyday. What I do not know about is how well my body will stand up to a physically laborious job. It would be very easy for me to become manic and feel over enthusiastic and do things harder than I'm really capable of doing. If I can make it through the first pay period and get a paycheck I'd be able to get some massages. I'd be able to save money on food because there might be some kind of discount for employees, and since I'm back on the veggie/juicing diet I could get veggies/fruit for cheap. I don't know... it's been so long since I've had a job, even from when I volunteered at the library (4 years ago), I don't know if I really can handle doing a scheduled job. I won't know if I don't try. I need money badly enough that I have to have some faith in myself, that I could do it.. do the job.
Speaking of volunteering, I was talking to someone at the entrance gate to Mt. Diablo today and she told me that they use volunteers up there. They need a volunteer to work the gate station on Fridays! I would LOVE to work in that gate office welcoming visitors to the park! Another volunteer job that I've had buzzing around my head for a good while now is to work with the library teaching adults that do not know how to read. What a tremendously satisfying experience that would be. My heart begins to well up with emotion imagining how beautiful that work must be to participate in.
So I am on the verge of beginning to do something new. The other job I'd love to do is becoming an Uber driver. I'd have to rent a car to do it though. I'm just losing enthusiasm about being an artist, and writer anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love and thrive on being creative, but beyond it being just a hobby, it's ludicrous for me to believe that I'll ever make any money doing it. I'm tired from it. The photography especially. Its so much work and it wears me out, especially considering that there is so little payoff from it. I don't get any excitement even from the paltry feedback I get about it anymore. And as far as writing novels goes, despite how much joy I get from the process of writing, I'm never going to produce something that will be well received.
i guess this is all for now...
One thing I need to do is figure out how to make money. Mentally, I feel pretty good about the idea of having a job. The fear that I feel about seeking work, getting work, and keeping a job seems like something I can finally work through. I felt more courageous about doing this a few months ago when I was feeling really strong and energetic in the summer. There was a bit of a failure of my courage when I lost access for a short period of time to my best friend who I is the main person that I talk to about the things going on in my life. She and I are reconnected now and I am feeling my courage rise up again.
The most logical place for me to consider getting a job at is the local fresh fruit stand, which is about a mile from home. I can walk or ride my bike there. They advertise needing someone to work on the weekends, and 2 other days during the week. If they would let me work the closing hours shift, I think I'd be able to be reliable and get to work everyday. What I do not know about is how well my body will stand up to a physically laborious job. It would be very easy for me to become manic and feel over enthusiastic and do things harder than I'm really capable of doing. If I can make it through the first pay period and get a paycheck I'd be able to get some massages. I'd be able to save money on food because there might be some kind of discount for employees, and since I'm back on the veggie/juicing diet I could get veggies/fruit for cheap. I don't know... it's been so long since I've had a job, even from when I volunteered at the library (4 years ago), I don't know if I really can handle doing a scheduled job. I won't know if I don't try. I need money badly enough that I have to have some faith in myself, that I could do it.. do the job.
Speaking of volunteering, I was talking to someone at the entrance gate to Mt. Diablo today and she told me that they use volunteers up there. They need a volunteer to work the gate station on Fridays! I would LOVE to work in that gate office welcoming visitors to the park! Another volunteer job that I've had buzzing around my head for a good while now is to work with the library teaching adults that do not know how to read. What a tremendously satisfying experience that would be. My heart begins to well up with emotion imagining how beautiful that work must be to participate in.
So I am on the verge of beginning to do something new. The other job I'd love to do is becoming an Uber driver. I'd have to rent a car to do it though. I'm just losing enthusiasm about being an artist, and writer anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love and thrive on being creative, but beyond it being just a hobby, it's ludicrous for me to believe that I'll ever make any money doing it. I'm tired from it. The photography especially. Its so much work and it wears me out, especially considering that there is so little payoff from it. I don't get any excitement even from the paltry feedback I get about it anymore. And as far as writing novels goes, despite how much joy I get from the process of writing, I'm never going to produce something that will be well received.
i guess this is all for now...
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