THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

I guess it's about 3 weeks now that I've been ingesting this plant's dried and powdered leaves. My ability to concentrate has definitely been increased. I can sit down to both read and/or write with less distraction and more focus. This was the main benefit I had hoped to achieve, and it has almost singularly been responsible for the positive shift in my moods. But not entirely. The other totally unexpected experience I've been having is this increase in physical energy. It's kind of deeply wound, the structure of this change in my physical behavior. Let me try to explain. Up until 3 weeks ago I had deeply rooted, fear based limitations established in my mind about what I was safely capable of doing physically. The fear was mostly rooted in worry of over-doing exercise routines that would end up injuring me and preventing me from being able to either exercise more, or even just be able to get out of bed the next day. This fear prevented me from doing things as sim...

There are some things that I can do fine in the world, all alone. But for some reasons, other things need at least a small bit of interaction or feedback from another person, or persons. Maybe it's like the effect of having a mirror to look into that gives you a sense of reflection for more deeply examining what the worth is of investing yourself into a project or endeavor. If you are working in, or participating with those of the world, outsider reflection is helpful but is it necessary? Sometimes, when my own perception of myself or my sense of my power/ability/worth is lacking, I do feel like it's necessary to have feedback/reflection/interaction but other times that type of interaction does not seem necessary. For the life of a loner, more and more I find that I don't care what anyone else thinks and if I want to do something I just do it. I guess what brought up this thinking right now is that I just looked over at one of my other blogs, one that I dedicate privately...

I don't even know exactly how many days it's been that I've been using kratom, close to a week, and I must say that I've never had such a revolutionary turn around in how I feel both physically and mood-wise about my health. Not in all the years that I've been using psych meds, that's for sure. Two days ago I took a dose of Green Vein Malay and went for a long walk to the city library. A little over a two mile walk. In all the years I've lived in this city (40), I've never felt strong or healthy enough to make that walk. And not only did I walk there, I walked home from there with 15lbs of books in my backpack. Later that evening I decided to take the local bus to Walnut Creek to meet a friend. Another lengthy foot excursion ensued because it's over a mile from my house to the bus stop. The day prior to that I took a dose of White Vein Malay, and had opposing effects in my mood and physical ability. I was psyched up from the experience I had...

I can't get away from her. And I do not want to get away from her. I've never wanted to get away from her. And I'm sure I won't, ever. That's not a problem. There is no problem now. There were weaknesses I suffered from before that made me feel a need for her, more than what I could experience, or more than she was able to share. But now, she has reached a state of experience in her life where she is no longer in want and it's made my connection with her become more powerful. I know I'm talking in half riddles here. I'm the only one that knows what I'm talking about and I'm only saying these things so that I'll be able to have record and remember. But she is with him  now, the him she has been longing to be with for all the time that I've known her and it's opened up an entire new dynamic in the way she and I get along. The angsty push and pull between us has ceased because I'm no longer needing to help her get what she wants, whi...

on top of everything else that i feel that i cannot do as of late (lost all desire to do photography, cannot write/finish my novel), now i can add to the list that i feel unable to muster up the belief in myself to become mentally powerful enough to overcome the obstacles that prevent me from returning to college to complete my college degree. ugh, i can't even concentrate enough to write this ... more later. things are getting dark all around me...

suicide note/love letter/thank you note to god/the devil/to everyone i’ve ever known/everyone i’ve never met, and mostly to the one woman who made me feel the capability to love the most. i feel like my life is at a pinnacle moment now and that it’s a fine time to step away from the drawing board of trying to think of new reasons of why to stay alive here, to spend more time causing consternation in the minds and lives of those that my tumultuous life affects. i’ve met someone that makes me feel more love and happiness for being alive and for being able to tell the truth about how i feel about things than anyone i’ve ever known before. i’ve never been made so happy from the simple deeds of just being able to tell the truth to someone like this before. there was one woman whose companionship and loyalty through 8 years of life together sufficed as solid friendship, stronger than anyone ever stood by me before - yet, i had no ability to communicate truthfully with her like I can w...

each day that passes, i know, by logic, that i'm closer to my end. what frightens me though is how i find that there is a mixture of how i am orchestrating my end, both by my own actions, thoughts, and deeds, combined with the mechanisms of how the universe around me operates. it's a dance of death, this life. i can't believe i've lasted as long as i have. and more than ever i'm feeling greatly tired of being here. i hate pornography. if i were a mercenary i would hunt it down like a despised politician and assassinate it i hate it so despisedly. It's ruined me as a lover in this lifetime. pure truth. i lie not. it's been a curse upon me since i first discovered copies of dad's playboy magazines that were hidden in the garage when i was a boy. a fascination and fear of women was instilled inside of me that made it forever impossible for me to have natural occurring experiences with women. I once had a naturally occurring experience with a woman, but I ...