i'm here again, yet deeper...

I can't get away from her. And I do not want to get away from her. I've never wanted to get away from her. And I'm sure I won't, ever. That's not a problem. There is no problem now. There were weaknesses I suffered from before that made me feel a need for her, more than what I could experience, or more than she was able to share. But now, she has reached a state of experience in her life where she is no longer in want and it's made my connection with her become more powerful. I know I'm talking in half riddles here. I'm the only one that knows what I'm talking about and I'm only saying these things so that I'll be able to have record and remember. But she is with him now, the him she has been longing to be with for all the time that I've known her and it's opened up an entire new dynamic in the way she and I get along. The angsty push and pull between us has ceased because I'm no longer needing to help her get what she wants, which removes me from desiring to be that which she desired. Now I can be a separate and complete person in association with her. I am no longer a tool or a crutch or a psychic feed or drain to or from her. I am just me and she is just who she is and our strength is no longer dependent on seeing each other or spending time with each other. This makes me feel strong for the first time in, maybe ever since I've known her.

Don't get me wrong. My connection to her is stronger now than ever. And I feel that we can move into a new level of making the things happen that we want to have happen, more quickly and easily. Mainly speaking of our desire to move to Portland together. It's going to be weird for awhile because she cannot give me as much of her time as she used to be able to, even as short as just 3 weeks ago. We had been spending so much time together, and now I barely get to see her for an hour or two a week. We both feel like the magic we have access to together is going to strengthen now that we no longer need to put our concentration into getting someone for her to be in love with. So I don't know what will manifest next. But i feel the verge of something mounting up.