sinking feelings...

suicide note/love letter/thank you note to god/the devil/to everyone i’ve ever known/everyone i’ve never met, and mostly to the one woman who made me feel the capability to love the most.

i feel like my life is at a pinnacle moment now and that it’s a fine time to step away from the drawing board of trying to think of new reasons of why to stay alive here, to spend more time causing consternation in the minds and lives of those that my tumultuous life affects.

i’ve met someone that makes me feel more love and happiness for being alive and for being able to tell the truth about how i feel about things than anyone i’ve ever known before. i’ve never been made so happy from the simple deeds of just being able to tell the truth to someone like this before. there was one woman whose companionship and loyalty through 8 years of life together sufficed as solid friendship, stronger than anyone ever stood by me before - yet, i had no ability to communicate truthfully with her like I can with this friend now, so that relationship fell apart. then there was another relationship that was based primarily upon physical union (and some level of mental stimulated attraction) but there was a huge mismatch of social connection that caused us to fall apart.

and now this penultimate friendship based upon truthfulness, which has zero physicality and ghostly socialness, well, it caps off all of my experiences. i’m just not man or person enough in this lifetime to be able to earn or deserve to be with a person or woman that can let me have all three levels of personhood together in one being. i’m too weak, or too broken, and i only become weaker, and more broken as time goes on. thus i choose to step away from the game of relationships (and ultimately life). Without relationships, we all wither and die.

she doesn’t love me. not like i love her, she can’t. and so we cannot and will never be able to share a life together. she wants something that i am not, yet she is everything that i need and want. am i settling for something lesser than i deserve in her? am i fooling myself into believing that she is good enough for me when in fact, she is not good enough for me because she cannot see how good i am for her? i cannot even figure out how to speak out this logic. since i cannot have her, i’d rather just give up living than to live without her. is that good logic? to die? rather than to take a chance on being with someone lesser than her?

i hate feeling like this and i hate having to go through thoughts like this. i do not feel suicidal, but what i do feel like is that the half life i’m living of not being loved by her, of not sharing the fullness of love that i feel for her, is that i’m going to be living a life that will feel like death. when i get to spend any time at all with her, to sit near her, to breath the same air that she breaths, to hear words spoken by her that express her ideas and thoughts, it is bliss to me. can you grasp the depth of wonderment i experience in thinking of what it would be like for me to be able to be welcomed more deeply into her world? if she were to find me likeable, even attractive, and that she’d want to touch me, and desire me to touch her? what galaxies of spiritually transformative wonderment I would be sent into?

what i hate, hate, hate about myself now is that while she goes through these endless searches for other, new lovers is that i’m tiring of being her sidekick and coach because i see a bitterness developing inside of me, and i fear it’s going to make me become careless about her plight. the bitterness is not about her, or against her. it’s about me. i am bitter at myself for not being the him that she needs and wants. she knows this, see? it’s part of our honesty. we talk about any and everything. but i haven't told her yet about this bitterness. i think she knows its developing though. it’s bleeding through in this “faux hatred” i’ve been exhibiting lately. i don’t hate other people, i only hate myself, the me that is not good enough for her. and i want to fucking kill him.

i wanted to tell her something last night, and almost did, but i hated myself when i started to say it because it was selfish and not self-effacing, and it was an act of slapping her while she was down... i hate myself so damn much. and i’m going to say it now because it’s not fair for her that i did not say it, and she’ll see, that it was best for me to keep it to myself. it has no place here... fuck.

i was going to say that if a miracle ever came about and she had a thought of wonder of why I had never thrown my arms around her and kissed her on the mouth (bravely and romantically like manly men do - if I’m so in love with her and so attracted to her), it was because she had broken my will of ever feeling capable of doing such a thing. that if she ever wanted to be kissed on the lips by me, she’d either have to ask me to do it, or initiate it herself. because not only have i always been clueless about when any woman in my life has wanted a kiss to happen, i’m 10000 times beyond ever thinking that it would be okay to kiss her now, because of the disgust she has expressed of the deed occurring with me. if any type of affection were to occur between us, she’d have to initiate it.  

but none will. because she refuses to see us that way. and because of that, i feel the flame of the vigor of our friendship weakening. she needs me too much as a source of strength to assist her in getting what she wants to have happen with other men in her life to make her happy for herself. or so it feels to me. and this for a large part is what it is that makes me feel important to her. i want to be the man that makes her happy. and i’ll never be him.

i feel dead and don’t want to live. don’t you see why?

and this is not even going near any of the other areas of what’s going on in my life that makes me feel wobbly and disoriented and capable of tripping and falling on my face into rushing traffic. this is the worse factoid though. the main heartbreaker.