who to trust with big decisions...
There are some things that I can do fine in the world, all alone. But for some reasons, other things need at least a small bit of interaction or feedback from another person, or persons. Maybe it's like the effect of having a mirror to look into that gives you a sense of reflection for more deeply examining what the worth is of investing yourself into a project or endeavor. If you are working in, or participating with those of the world, outsider reflection is helpful but is it necessary? Sometimes, when my own perception of myself or my sense of my power/ability/worth is lacking, I do feel like it's necessary to have feedback/reflection/interaction but other times that type of interaction does not seem necessary. For the life of a loner, more and more I find that I don't care what anyone else thinks and if I want to do something I just do it.
I guess what brought up this thinking right now is that I just looked over at one of my other blogs, one that I dedicate privately to conversations I have with my "muses"... and there was one point early in the writing of that blog where I spoke a lot about my interactions with with a popular author. I thought at one point that perhaps the conversations would have appeared noteworthy for the public to read and I pondered self-publishing a smallish book to share/sell. I asked one person for their feedback about the idea, but never got a single response about the idea, and well, I pretty much let the entire idea of the self-publishing die because of that. if i had gotten any sort of response i think I would have gone ahead and done the project because it excited me that much.
So this brings up more questions for me to ponder. Was the person I asked for that feedback from a poor choice to ask of in the first place? She seemed to be the only person that had any insight at all into what it was I was working on, thus why I chose to share the idea with her. Would i have needed a full conversation to come to a positive conclusion about the idea? Maybe, but probably not. I was full formed enough with my prospective follow through to do it if I had heard her say, "yes, this is interesting material - others would benefit from reading it." But the deeper, darker places i went with my afterthoughts had to do with diminishing self-worth. Why did she choose not to answer. Did she think the idea was stupid but didn't want to say so? Did she think that I was stupid but couldn't bring herself to say it to my face? Overall, in retrospect regarding this person, I feel more and more that this is the general consensus that she feels about me as she has repeatedly let our friendship dissolve into silence.
There was probaby a better person I could have asked for the opinion of... hard to know how to make these judgment calls, but sadly, I hinge so much on making decisions based on what one person could say, or not say.
I guess what brought up this thinking right now is that I just looked over at one of my other blogs, one that I dedicate privately to conversations I have with my "muses"... and there was one point early in the writing of that blog where I spoke a lot about my interactions with with a popular author. I thought at one point that perhaps the conversations would have appeared noteworthy for the public to read and I pondered self-publishing a smallish book to share/sell. I asked one person for their feedback about the idea, but never got a single response about the idea, and well, I pretty much let the entire idea of the self-publishing die because of that. if i had gotten any sort of response i think I would have gone ahead and done the project because it excited me that much.
So this brings up more questions for me to ponder. Was the person I asked for that feedback from a poor choice to ask of in the first place? She seemed to be the only person that had any insight at all into what it was I was working on, thus why I chose to share the idea with her. Would i have needed a full conversation to come to a positive conclusion about the idea? Maybe, but probably not. I was full formed enough with my prospective follow through to do it if I had heard her say, "yes, this is interesting material - others would benefit from reading it." But the deeper, darker places i went with my afterthoughts had to do with diminishing self-worth. Why did she choose not to answer. Did she think the idea was stupid but didn't want to say so? Did she think that I was stupid but couldn't bring herself to say it to my face? Overall, in retrospect regarding this person, I feel more and more that this is the general consensus that she feels about me as she has repeatedly let our friendship dissolve into silence.
There was probaby a better person I could have asked for the opinion of... hard to know how to make these judgment calls, but sadly, I hinge so much on making decisions based on what one person could say, or not say.
Comments