more deep diving, less focused, THANKS ECLIPSE
Soooo, another one of the women of my life has not risen to the top of my consciousness yet for me to re-explore... but I'm still feeling pretty lit up about exploring deep memories, deep analysis... so let's just see where this blank page leads me to.
Talking with Scarlett this morning, she was reflecting on how she is frustrated from not being able to work out a facet of her life that is deeply marred in her natal chart... if you are not familiar with astrological analysis, my putting the details here would on serve to confuse you... but what struck me about what she said was that now that she's lived 30 years and has not been able to resolve these struggles, she thinks she'll never be able to do so in this lifetime. The nerve that struck in me was that I've lived twice as long as she has and even though I was not able to rectify my struggles by my 30s, I have not given up working on them. Being twice her age I'm better at living with these struggles than I've ever been before, but they are still not FIXED. I don't know if they will ever be fixed. But the work is ongoing, the thorn in one's side will not go away on its own. It's a scar for life. And if we just give up the fight and stop struggling to better ourselves, we'll end up living in mediocrity. And that ain't pretty for no one to look at, haha ;)
So what is my DEEPEST SCAR? Wow, man... a heavy question...
The biggest soul scar that I've pretty much overcome are the familial, genetic traits of addiction. Generations of fathers in my family tree died young, tragic deaths fostered by addictions to primarily alcohol. By the age of 40, I broke my addiction to alcohol. But the path I lived to get to that point was tumultuous and painful. Depression and suicidal tendencies took me to the brink, to the edge of believing that I could simply continue to survive in this world. Barebones survival I'm talking about, forget about even being happy or having a sense of purpose and fulfillment in life.
Interesting to consider how this key element (familial addiction) planted in my body/soul became a tool to lead me towards enlightenment. What if it had been a different key? Like cancer... or some other condition... Alcoholism is possible to overcome through behavioral modification and willpower, but something like cancer is much more complicated to win from. Cancer did take both my parents, though to my knowledge none of their ancestors suffered from it. So there wasn't a direct, immediate link for them... The alcoholism was pretty rampant for generations though. It leached into my son when he came into this incarnation... He overcame it early and quickly in his life. I'm glad for, and proud of him because he has become something I wished that I could have become. His life's purpose is to help people overcome addiction in their lives. He has literally helped hundreds (if not more), people rescue themselves from addiction and find positive direction in their lives.
My dad died from lung cancer when he was 36 years old. I was 11 years old then. 3 years later I had a profound spiritual awakening, an experience that would open my eyes, and heart to the pursuit of spiritual enlightenment throughout the remaining course of my life. But the roots of the spirit of alcoholism were still mingled in my DNA, and in retrospect, I can see now how the death of my young father was a trauma that introduced depression into my life. And depression is what led to the involvement with alcohol. I never drank until I was 20 years old... the spiritual flame that was ignited in me kept its grip on me until I was set free in the world as a young adult... the structures of a routine of a home church gone, my spirit reached out into the world for companionship and comfort. The closest compatriots I had in my life at that time had already started to use alcohol at earlier ages in their lives. They appeared like teachers to me on this pathway into the Religion of Run From the Pain and Numb it with Drugs...
But is this what my deepest scar is? I don't think so. I think this was a form of self-care that I imagined would work to help me keep moving forward thru time towards my final gasp. It somehow felt like my ancestral ghosts surrounded me and with their limited knowledge and understanding urged me to trust this process... that they were vindictive in any degree I doubt it. The deeper mystery was for them to see how I did what they did, but I had a different seed growing inside my heart. A seed of hope in God. THAT was what ended up rescuing me, time after time, and finally broke thru and gave me this sense of victory that I now have knowing that alcohol is not a cure.
Okay, the deeper scar occurred earlier in my life, and if you study astrology, the map of one's life, the natal chart can pinpoint where this deepest scar lies. In astrology, Chiron is considered to be the explanation of one's "soul trauma"... the deepest wound, the deepest curse one must struggle with and attempt to heal.
Where Chiron is positioned in my life shows that my early childhood traumas came from both sibling rivalry and unsettling experiences in elementary school. The hard aspects regarding sibling rivalries between my brother and I came from our parents. When dad died, that was an insanely powerful experience that drew borders in the sand in our household. I've still never gone to the deepest efforts to understand and self-heal those wounds yet, but I'm better healed now than I've ever been. Homelife got very complicated after dad's death because our mom married someone new to take his place. Essentially, my brother began to cling to mom as if his very existence depended on her. I, on the other hand, found spiritual awakening and a newfound belief in God to sustain me.
Aside from the struggles for attention from mom, some things happened in school that damaged my ability to ever succeed in my attempts at education throughout my entire lifetime. That's the scar that I feel has led to making my life seem most unsuccessful. I've become accustomed to living life alone and partnerless... sure, it's a burden and sad thing to not have a loving partner in the world, but without the most suitable partner, I could still be damaged in regards to experiencing a fulfilling work career. Not being able to align with one's life's work is a terribly heartbreaking burden to suffer. And yet I still wake up each day thinking, "Today I'll discover what it is I should do for the rest of my life. Today I'll have that realization that leads me into the perfect job where I'll simply lose myself in the pleasure of what it is I spend the hours of my day doing... for the rest of my life." But that deep, fulfilling realization never fully blooms in my mind or heart... Even today I'm thinking that I need to go apply for a job at Whole Foods when I get home on Wednesday.
Well, this diatribe danced around the edges of possibly talking about something REAL, with truth... I didn't know what topic I was going to go into today, so this was a pretty ramshackle effort to try to make sense and to get somewhere... I feel a little guilty stopping here, because it's like I've pulled back the drapes to expose the damage, but I'm pulling back from going inside to begin the healing.. maybe I'll come back and write more on this.. it feels like a breakthrough, and a beginning...
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Chiron in Aquarius ♒︎ in the natal chart
Wound: For those born with Chiron in Aquarius in the natal chart you have a longing to express your eccentricity but always feel hindered in some way when you try to do so. You have a unique frame of mind but dislike ruining the expectations others have for you. Buried in your soul you have an idea or a longing for the person you want to be. You have deep loyalty to the needs of the group but also are grappling with your need to fulfill what you feel is your life calling. At various times throughout your life you may re-examine your ethics, political loyalties, and philosophies in your search for your life purpose.
Healing Gifts: You create a sense of solidarity with the misfits of the world. For those with Chiron in Aquarius you accept everything weird under the Sun. You help others find healing who feel they do not “fit in” with the society they are born into. By connecting a complex web, often through the internet, you help people find their group so others do not feel so alone. Bringing people together in this way can feel very healing for you as we
3rd House
Keywords: The keywords associated with the 3rd house are communication, siblings, local travel, learning, writing, comedy, early childhood, social media, humor, elementary school, and language.
Cadent House Type: A Cadent house type is ruled by a mutable sign. Gemini is the air sign ruling the 3rd house.
The 3rd house in astrology is the location in your chart representative of early childhood, how you relate to your immediate environment, and learning and communication styles. Due to the fact that this house is associated with early childhood it also relates to siblings as a part of your family upbringing. The 3rd house can also indicate how much of a role your siblings did or did not play in your early home environment. This is also the house of learning, therefore; it is associated with education, elementary school, and early learning environments.
If you have a heavy emphasis of planets in the 3rd house this implies you have strong ties to your local community. You may be a local activist, a voice for your community, or a teacher. The sign on the 3rd house in your natal chart can help illuminate one’s particular learning styles. It can show you if you are more of a visual, auditory, or hands on learner.
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