diving deeper into Venuvian vibes...

 I didn't write about Moon Trine Venus, which is the 3rd trine that is found in my natal chart... but since the April 30th, 2022 eclipse yesterday I'm feeling inclined to do some explorations about memories of past relationships with women friends and see if I can use this energy to plant seeds for discovering new potential friends in my future. I'm actually quite content with my twin-flame'ish friendship I have with Scarlett, but there are limitations about how intimate my friendship with her can become. I feel like my heart is yearning for a deeper, more fulfilling, and committed experience, perhaps with a new person altogether..

I mentioned feeling the soul-energy of Michelle coming thru in my dream yesterday, and I'll say more about her later... but the person on my mind today, oddly, is Denise. I have felt for some time a lack of presence of Denise's energy on the planet... so I'm partly convinced that she has passed over. She had a lot of health issues when I was last in contact with her, back in the mid-90s, so it's not impossible that she has already died. A couple years ago I found someone in SPOKEO with her same name, and around her age that was living in Eugene, Oregon. I sent a card to the address but never got a reply. And just now checking with my pendulum, yeah, she's passed on.

So I met Denise around the same time that I met Susan, which would have been in the mid-80s when we all worked at Chevron Corporation in San Ramon. Her position was superior to mine in the department we worked in, but meeting her was one of those deeply resonating experiences where you just feel that you know someone already. Like looking into the face and eyes of a long-forgotten sibling or lover. One thing we discovered that we had in common was a love for Ireland. She had lineage from there and I was married to an Irish woman (Aine - more about her later too)... So that was a primary topic for conversation. And I'll say that she was someone I felt a physical attraction to, but in a sense that she looked like me, she looked like someone I could have been related to. We were tall, skinny, blonde, blue eyes... easily could have been a sister from another life... but you know how past-life reincarnations go, you were a woman in your last life and you are a man in this life, you had a sister in your last life but you marry that same person in this life. Lines of differentiation like that get blurred easily... so my physical attraction to her was not amorous. I didn't have a desire to be her lover, and anyway, I was married, she was married, it would have never worked out.

After I left Chevron and began my new life of training to become a body worker/healer, she and I kept in touch. I remember having long phone conversations with her, and I met her once after she also left Chevron and started her own business. One time she invited me to her home and I gave her a professional massage. That was the most intimate experience I ever had with her. Oh, and one time when I met her at her new business she "confessed" to me that she had left her husband and was in a polyamorous relationship with her business partner and another woman. I had NEVER heard of this type of relationship before and I remember when she told me this, my heart sank and my jaw dropped. I might have had some deeply lingering secret hope that I could have developed a closer bond with her, but it certainly was not something that I outwardly pursued. Never asked her out on a so-called date. I've really NEVER asked anyone out on dates. I have never had an understanding of how dating and pursuing someone works. My "relationships" with women, JUST HAPPEN. We get to know each other slowly in the workplace, or in school, and then one day it's turned into this deep brotherly-sisterly trust thing that feels really strong and treasured, but there's no room for romance. That is the template for all of these "friendships" I'll go into describing here.For the most part at least.

The last conversation I had with Denise was on the phone when I was living in Santa Cruz and was at the stage of my education there where I was manically excited about the idea of studying pre-med and Denise was super excited about this and felt like she could serve as an advisor for me in the long years ahead of me. But not long after that I had my mental/emotional breakdown and those plans were shelved. Maaaybe there was one other phone conversation after that after I moved back home and began the dark years of being treated for bipolar disorder. 

So there was a deep heartfelt connection between the two of us, but nothing ever developed between us as partners in life that spent time doing things together. Yet, here I sit, still feeling like she was a significant character in my lifetime. Perhaps part of the reason I'm feeling her presence today is because I'm in a neighborhood that is not very far from where she used to live.  What do I do with these feelings? Scarlett, my best friend twin-flame'ish soul mate has given me a million more miles worth of soul satisfaction than Denise ever came close to offering me... If I were to bump into Denise today, would I be tempted to try to redevelop my friendship with her? No, I don't think so because what I do recognize now is that she did not feel as strongly (attracted to me) as I did for her. And this is one of the big deficits I experience in all of these brother-sister relationships... I might have it in my imagination that one of these women could become my lover, but they all hold the trump-card that blocks the potential for crossing such lines. They need a guy that they can talk to that is not interested in sex. And my being rather asexual in mannerisms makes them feel safe opening up to me. I'm not a man that is controlled by his libido. Not outwardly, or publicly at least.

Are there elements of Denise's personality that I would like to find in a new potential life partner? Maybe, but I don't think that is how this works... I can't make a shopping list of features from my vast list of past sister-friends and mock them up into my dream woman. Or can I? Perhaps subconsciously I am doing this already and that's why I'm bothering writing this blog out right now. I kinda feel like writing more like this about some of the other sister-friends, we'll see how my inspiration lingers and develops. That's all for now.