don't tell me what i can't do...
One of the most favorite concepts I got from watching LOST. The character John Locke inspired me in a lot of ways, but I think this one concept that drove him to find himself and create the destiny that ached in his bones is what I'm identifying with the most, today at least.
I have a really good friend that knows that magic works, but she does not believe in the ultimate power of magic to really be able to happen and make huge things happen and change. And she's worked so hard at expressing her disbelief, to the point of claiming that power that I feel I have access to will never do for me what I want and need it to do. "Oh, that'll never happen..." I try to let it go at that, to say, "You have your belief and I'll have mine", but I feel saddened by not having a compatriot. I want to be able to unite with someone to create things in this world bigger than my own abilities are capable of manifesting. And maybe that is the lesson that I'm supposed to learn right now. That I alone am powerful enough to make the things happen that i want to. Why I feel that I am not strong enough, or complete enough to do things is because the big things that I wish for just do not happen...
In having a close compatriot I can be witnessed, what I am weak at can be explained to me. My friend, that she sees what I can and cannot do does point out to me my weaknesses, and that is good for us - if accepting what we are is all were going to be good at. I want to experience more than this though. Accepting what I am and what I can already do is what has me stuck in the destiny I've manifested so far. Which is okay. I'm not dying. I'm not hurting anyone. But I'm not experiencing my full potential is what it really boils down to. I know that there is untapped potential inside my body and spirit. I need to experience change.
I've worked with this friend at opening up my potentialities but she has only been able to go so far with me. She did a lot to open up my sensibilities of what I am capable of doing, what new things and powers I can tap into doing and using, but a line has been drawn between us which now really limits what she can invest in me, as far as belief and dedication goes. We were intermeshed on a deepening psychic level quite a lot earlier this year, but now she has settled for spending her time with another person and I cannot access the portions of her that once lit me up so much.
I'm trying to say that there is a vacancy in my life now for a new believer in me. I've lived so long on my own with no helper, but after getting a taste of what it's like to have someone close to me, someone that I can grow close to and trust, I'm convinced that this is a really good thing to have. I experienced something that I forgot all about when I had this closeness with this person, I became able to have fun and experience happiness. I forgot what it feels like to feel happy. As a normal emotion. I've been so weighed down in my own frozen reality of not being happy that it became normal. A normal that I've felt convinced that could never change.
Anyway, I'm not writing because this is a new realization for me. I'm writing just for the sake of writing. I know that I'm a writer, but if I don't write, regularly, no one will ever be convinced that I can write. Or that I have anything interesting or meaningful to say. So I'm proposing to myself to start writing here on the blog again, to just air my head out and get some words down on paper. This will also allow for anyone that stumbles upon this blog to get to know a little bit more about me and perhaps indulge in some conversation.
My blog is my therapist. It's where I boldly address the issues that concern me. So let's see how it goes. I really should make myself write here at least once a day.... we'll see how well I can manage that. For now, I'm going to head out to the hills for an afternoon walk. Try to make it up to the top of Las Trampas ridge and check out the remains of the radio tower that was vandalized a couple of years ago. I'll share photos later :D
I have a really good friend that knows that magic works, but she does not believe in the ultimate power of magic to really be able to happen and make huge things happen and change. And she's worked so hard at expressing her disbelief, to the point of claiming that power that I feel I have access to will never do for me what I want and need it to do. "Oh, that'll never happen..." I try to let it go at that, to say, "You have your belief and I'll have mine", but I feel saddened by not having a compatriot. I want to be able to unite with someone to create things in this world bigger than my own abilities are capable of manifesting. And maybe that is the lesson that I'm supposed to learn right now. That I alone am powerful enough to make the things happen that i want to. Why I feel that I am not strong enough, or complete enough to do things is because the big things that I wish for just do not happen...
In having a close compatriot I can be witnessed, what I am weak at can be explained to me. My friend, that she sees what I can and cannot do does point out to me my weaknesses, and that is good for us - if accepting what we are is all were going to be good at. I want to experience more than this though. Accepting what I am and what I can already do is what has me stuck in the destiny I've manifested so far. Which is okay. I'm not dying. I'm not hurting anyone. But I'm not experiencing my full potential is what it really boils down to. I know that there is untapped potential inside my body and spirit. I need to experience change.
I've worked with this friend at opening up my potentialities but she has only been able to go so far with me. She did a lot to open up my sensibilities of what I am capable of doing, what new things and powers I can tap into doing and using, but a line has been drawn between us which now really limits what she can invest in me, as far as belief and dedication goes. We were intermeshed on a deepening psychic level quite a lot earlier this year, but now she has settled for spending her time with another person and I cannot access the portions of her that once lit me up so much.
I'm trying to say that there is a vacancy in my life now for a new believer in me. I've lived so long on my own with no helper, but after getting a taste of what it's like to have someone close to me, someone that I can grow close to and trust, I'm convinced that this is a really good thing to have. I experienced something that I forgot all about when I had this closeness with this person, I became able to have fun and experience happiness. I forgot what it feels like to feel happy. As a normal emotion. I've been so weighed down in my own frozen reality of not being happy that it became normal. A normal that I've felt convinced that could never change.
Anyway, I'm not writing because this is a new realization for me. I'm writing just for the sake of writing. I know that I'm a writer, but if I don't write, regularly, no one will ever be convinced that I can write. Or that I have anything interesting or meaningful to say. So I'm proposing to myself to start writing here on the blog again, to just air my head out and get some words down on paper. This will also allow for anyone that stumbles upon this blog to get to know a little bit more about me and perhaps indulge in some conversation.
My blog is my therapist. It's where I boldly address the issues that concern me. So let's see how it goes. I really should make myself write here at least once a day.... we'll see how well I can manage that. For now, I'm going to head out to the hills for an afternoon walk. Try to make it up to the top of Las Trampas ridge and check out the remains of the radio tower that was vandalized a couple of years ago. I'll share photos later :D
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