saturday night and i don't feel like fighting...
i think i'm finally starting to calm down a little bit from all of the angst of the past fortnight. doing the photo shoot with Keira on Thursday brought the recent strivings to a bit of a culmination. and that did not go anything like i had expected that it would, oh say one month ago when we finalized this shooting date. a month ago i was so much more serious and ambitious than i am right now. tonight, i don't care about what's going to happen next week. for that matter, i don't really care either that the photo shoot with Keira, the most expensive model i've ever worked with, was a flop. i think though that my ideas about hiring models has definitely changed. Mairead, from November made me think that hiring models was the ONLY way to go, she was so professional, spontaneous and energetic. a real delight to work with. Keira, well she felt cautious and a bit reheated to me. anyway, i could have given 3 lesser experienced models $50 a piece, gotten more time and probably a lot more enthusiasm than i got on Thursday. i'm not saying it was all her fault either. my game was off too. i was not my normal electric self and failed in some ways to bring excitement and enthusiasm to the shoot. (thinking back now, there was actually one moment during the shoot when i am aware that my enthusiasm collapsed. when we pulled up to our first stop in the cemetery and i got out of the car so that she could change clothes. i was preparing my camera when i saw that i had left my 32gb memory card at home. not a total disaster because i always carry back up memory cards, but they are smaller in size and are slower to write to memory. and they only total to 16gb. my heart sank, partly because i thought that i'd have to be careful not to shoot all of the memory up in the first half of the shoot. i had to slow my quick shooting pace down to about half my normal speed, and this is part of what deflated my enthusiasm. i felt like i had to be careful with the shots i took. where i would normally shoot 100 exposures in one setting i was now only shooting 25-30 exposures. by the end of our two hour shoot i had less than 1,000 exposures. my recent shoots i always come home with 1,800 to 2,500+ exposures.) yeah, it was a let down.
so back to being free of angst... having decided to drop the poetry writing class and the short story analysis class were good decisions. cop outs, maybe, but i don't think i have done the wrong thing. there were just so many intricate little details going on that made this seem like the right thing to do, to NOT continue staying enrolled in these classes. i'm still debating whether i should stay enrolled in the screenwriting class. it meets next on Monday afternoon. if i miss this second class, i should call it quits. if i go, i can then have a second chance to decide whether now is a good time to do this or not. the thing that seems beneficial about taking this class is the connection of knowing this professor. he is smart and experienced and can give me a lot of enthusiasm and insight into the business. if i don't get on board now and start to learn about this profession, later is going to be worse. the thing though is that i already have projects that i've started that i would feel better concentrating on finishing, instead of starting new projects. namely, my novel. i've given three friends access to the manuscript of my November Nanowrimo. One has read it and the other two are in the process of reading it. I need to reread it soon and start to assess what my next moves are to do with it.
freeing myself up from college angst allows me to flow some more energy into wedding in Costa Rico angst. this, i still have not wrapped my head around. and day by day the date (April 9) gets closer. i do not have money to buy a ticket to get there, and i do not know where i am going to get money for a ticket to get there. this matter must be dealt with soon. i have a lot of nervousness about going to this wedding but i'm not going to talk about it here. not now.
it's funny, but there is this girl that works here at my Peet's, her name is Izzy and she is just a kid, but we've been friends on Facebook for a long time (can't remember how we met, other than she is in the network of Danville - Cemetery Girls). and i always kind of hope that she'll be working the shift when i come down here because she is cute to watch work, fun to be around. she always cheers me up. i've been pestering her to model for me for ages and she always shies out, but we were talking tonight about it again and maybe it'll happen this week. it's going to rain and she loves the rain. i just want to go out and watch her play... it would be fun and refreshing after this past week's flop-shoot. so stay tuned on that.
i didn't make it into SF last night for either of the concerts i should have been at, and somehow i don't feel guilty or saddened. it's just the way it is with me now. i don't need big city lights to excite me anymore. i watched some X-Files last night and also a weird little musical called "Colma". i don't need company either. i'm just fine being by myself.
did i tell you that my cat disappeared? Peppermint, my little orange tabby who has lived in and around our house for about 7 or 8 years now. about 6 days ago he just vanished. he doesn't have any form of i.d. so if it's a matter of someone else picking him up and wondering where he lives, there's no way of tracking him back to my address. i'm figuring that he was off in a field somewhere hunting mice and an eagle swooped down and carried him away. however he may have met his final destiny, i hope it was quick and painless and not too frightening. it was so sweet too because every night for the past 2 or 3 weeks he slept overnight in my bed with me. something he had not done in a very long time.
ok, that's all for now...
so back to being free of angst... having decided to drop the poetry writing class and the short story analysis class were good decisions. cop outs, maybe, but i don't think i have done the wrong thing. there were just so many intricate little details going on that made this seem like the right thing to do, to NOT continue staying enrolled in these classes. i'm still debating whether i should stay enrolled in the screenwriting class. it meets next on Monday afternoon. if i miss this second class, i should call it quits. if i go, i can then have a second chance to decide whether now is a good time to do this or not. the thing that seems beneficial about taking this class is the connection of knowing this professor. he is smart and experienced and can give me a lot of enthusiasm and insight into the business. if i don't get on board now and start to learn about this profession, later is going to be worse. the thing though is that i already have projects that i've started that i would feel better concentrating on finishing, instead of starting new projects. namely, my novel. i've given three friends access to the manuscript of my November Nanowrimo. One has read it and the other two are in the process of reading it. I need to reread it soon and start to assess what my next moves are to do with it.
freeing myself up from college angst allows me to flow some more energy into wedding in Costa Rico angst. this, i still have not wrapped my head around. and day by day the date (April 9) gets closer. i do not have money to buy a ticket to get there, and i do not know where i am going to get money for a ticket to get there. this matter must be dealt with soon. i have a lot of nervousness about going to this wedding but i'm not going to talk about it here. not now.
it's funny, but there is this girl that works here at my Peet's, her name is Izzy and she is just a kid, but we've been friends on Facebook for a long time (can't remember how we met, other than she is in the network of Danville - Cemetery Girls). and i always kind of hope that she'll be working the shift when i come down here because she is cute to watch work, fun to be around. she always cheers me up. i've been pestering her to model for me for ages and she always shies out, but we were talking tonight about it again and maybe it'll happen this week. it's going to rain and she loves the rain. i just want to go out and watch her play... it would be fun and refreshing after this past week's flop-shoot. so stay tuned on that.
i didn't make it into SF last night for either of the concerts i should have been at, and somehow i don't feel guilty or saddened. it's just the way it is with me now. i don't need big city lights to excite me anymore. i watched some X-Files last night and also a weird little musical called "Colma". i don't need company either. i'm just fine being by myself.
did i tell you that my cat disappeared? Peppermint, my little orange tabby who has lived in and around our house for about 7 or 8 years now. about 6 days ago he just vanished. he doesn't have any form of i.d. so if it's a matter of someone else picking him up and wondering where he lives, there's no way of tracking him back to my address. i'm figuring that he was off in a field somewhere hunting mice and an eagle swooped down and carried him away. however he may have met his final destiny, i hope it was quick and painless and not too frightening. it was so sweet too because every night for the past 2 or 3 weeks he slept overnight in my bed with me. something he had not done in a very long time.
ok, that's all for now...
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