danger: rambling man on the road...
i really feel a need to shout. not necessarily to break something, nor to make waves of a tidal magnitude, but when i stomp my feet today some things may crumble. i'm hearing a lot of voices in my head lately and they are voices that are becoming stale because they say things but they don't act. they call my name and tease me but the faces that the voices belong to don't show up. contrarily, there are faces in my head who's voices i cannot hear any longer and yet their visages dance across the walls of my memories like shadows of the dead fading with the setting sun. i want both of these haunts to leave me alone.
but how do i make them go away? the memory-people i think i have figured out. i write stories about them. since they refuse to interact with me as real people, in friendships (or even enemyships) as humans are wont to do, i have to find means to bring our unfinished business to a conclusion. it's a spiritual activity. spiritist, perhaps. maybe it's something that i'm totally making up in my mind, this thing i call psychic surgery to solve unfinished business. a form of madness, but it satisfies me.
the old ghosts are easier to abate. it's the new ghosts that cause me the most distress. they flirt in my mind but are also close by enough in the real world that i am confused as to how i am supposed to interact with them. when people say that they want to be involved in activities in your life, but then make no effort to foster any sort of activity or meeting, you are left hanging, wondering whether there is any validity in anything that they say at all, ever.
it all just adds up to a larger pool of distrust and bewilderment at the functions of comraderie in the world. pushes me one thought, one moment, one action closer to forgetting ever again about answering the phone when you call. when you never call, but then suddenly call one day it can only mean that there is something that you want from me.
i'm just as guilty of this behavior, but it's become so fostered in me to be exclusionary no one expects any different from me anymore. i crossed the line a long time ago into the Kingdom of I'll Do It Myself. i'm a prince in this land.
but how do i make them go away? the memory-people i think i have figured out. i write stories about them. since they refuse to interact with me as real people, in friendships (or even enemyships) as humans are wont to do, i have to find means to bring our unfinished business to a conclusion. it's a spiritual activity. spiritist, perhaps. maybe it's something that i'm totally making up in my mind, this thing i call psychic surgery to solve unfinished business. a form of madness, but it satisfies me.
the old ghosts are easier to abate. it's the new ghosts that cause me the most distress. they flirt in my mind but are also close by enough in the real world that i am confused as to how i am supposed to interact with them. when people say that they want to be involved in activities in your life, but then make no effort to foster any sort of activity or meeting, you are left hanging, wondering whether there is any validity in anything that they say at all, ever.
it all just adds up to a larger pool of distrust and bewilderment at the functions of comraderie in the world. pushes me one thought, one moment, one action closer to forgetting ever again about answering the phone when you call. when you never call, but then suddenly call one day it can only mean that there is something that you want from me.
i'm just as guilty of this behavior, but it's become so fostered in me to be exclusionary no one expects any different from me anymore. i crossed the line a long time ago into the Kingdom of I'll Do It Myself. i'm a prince in this land.
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