dangerman addendum...

so i was hoping that after writing that vague description of what is fogging up my head and my heart and feet and hands (in that last post) i'd be able to write a very clear letter to one of these "new ghosts" that are churning up all this confusion in me. i've been trying to find the courage to write "her" this letter for months now actually, but every time i sit down and try to bring out my honest voice and say what it is i really want to say, i choke up. i know part of it is fear of hurting this person's feelings. another part of it is that the words i write to her will be received in total indifference, like she'll say to herself, "WTF, Darko... get on with your life and you get out of MY head too." That's the worse thing I fear, that if I write a 3,000 word letter getting all of my emotions out in explicit detail that she'll just go on with life as normal and STILL not respond to me. this is what makes me think this whole thing is just another aspect of being mentally ill. that i don't understand or accept what it is that it means to "be friends" to other people. if you are not "my friend", please be "my enemy" instead. hate me if you don't like me. at least that way i'll know why you don't want to talk to me or hang out with me or even just have a cup of coffee with me. but if you are going to sit on the fence and flirt with me (and i only mean that in a totally rudimentary sense of the word) i'd prefer that you not. your gestures lead me to believe that you have serious intentions about engaging in activities of life with me, and it gets me overexcited when you say we will but then we don't and i am left to wallow in this pool of confusion and disappointment. i don't have time for it anymore. or at least, if you start something, then change your mind, please say so. close the door. slap me in the face. tell me to F*** off. make sure i get the point. we will get along much better as enemies than as pseudo-friends.