where things stand, now…

it’s been a strange week and i’m not sure what i think about things anymore. haha, that’s a loaded statement, huh? there are some things that have happened that are making me think differently though.

the Cemetery Girl project may be over. it could be. it doesn’t have to be, but if i wanted it to be, now would be an opportune time to end it. i don’t really want it to be over because i really do love it so much. but i need to make some changes as to how it operates. and i don’t think i need to bother you with the details. i’ve pretty much figured it out on my own already. quite often, i’m good at this. figuring things out on my own. if you do want to know what happened and what i’m going to change, you could ask me. i’ll tell you. it was just weird and unexpected. drama. but i think it will make me a better photographer and a better businessman as a result.

and who knows. maybe the project is over. we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. i don’t want to talk about it right now. maybe by the end of this posting i’ll change my mind.

what i do want to talk about is FASTING. i’m sort of planning on starting the holy festival of Ramadan month long fast next week. it’s basically a fast during the hours between when the sun rises until the sun sets; between August 4th and September 4th. which is really a pretty outrageous thing for people to do! so get this. on August 4th the sun rises at 6:07am and sets at 7:52pm. that is 13 hours, 44 minutes and 39 seconds in which you cannot eat. what i am imagining that “I” would do, since i am not Muslim and can pretty much make my own rules for this is get up early and eat breakfast before the sun rises. then drink a lot of water and herbal tea during the day, finishing the fast with a meager meal (probably a monster burrito at Chipotle). oh and for breakfast i will prepare Baba Muktananda’s sour cereal for myself.

now i know you are wondering “why on earth does darko want to do this?”! there are a couple of reasons. one is for the experience. for the discipline. the holy practice of following a regimen structured around a religious observation. i miss god. i miss prayer. i miss worship. i miss my guru. i miss the spirit of the divine. i want it back. i want to feel the presence of the spirit of god upon me and around me. during this period of time i will create a routine. i will listen to godly music. i will read the scriptures. i will rise with the sun. i will meditate facing the east in the morning. i will yoga. yes, yoga as a verb.

the other reason i want to do this is to lose weight. why not, right? things i’m concerned about doing such an intense fast like this are the effects it will have upon my mood. i observed my mood rather closely today based on when i ate/did not eat. i can get really cranky when i don’t have food and this might be something that turns this experiment into a deal breaker. i don’t care so much about my crankiness affecting me. i’m more concerned about how it will rub off on others. my mom in particular. i have to be in good form to be able to do things for her. oh, and i’ll get cranky in my mind too and will probably go through all sorts of mental kriyas. so bear with me people. you always need to bear with me, you know that already.

again, i am not converting to Islam. that is not what this is about. i will educate myself about Islam during this time. i will listen to a lot of Islamic influenced music (Hamza el Din, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan), i’ll read the mystic poets… what i suspect will happen is that this is going to draw me back to my guru, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, who i have been very disconnected from for a number of years now. where this all goes, we shall see.

i’ll stop for now.