now that i’ve cleared the air with holy postulating…

let me speak in more base terms about the understandings i have of my own struggles right now. November is nearing. November is when Nanowrimo occurs. National Novel Writing Month. the one period of time during the year when i’ve been able to become extremely focused with my desire to write, and achieve a goal. it really is a magnificent period of global focus; amateur, first time, and wannabe writers all over the world sit down together for 30 days and grind out 50,000 word novels together. the excitement that people generate in their own little lives during this time is magnetic and kinetic; you can feel it and tap into it and become supercharged by it. well, look at me! November 1st is 96 days away and already i’m getting all agog about it!

just this week i’ve started to go through a reassessment about it is i will do next in my creative life. i’ve finished two volumes of photo books in the Cemetery Girls series and wonder if i should call it quits now. i’m not really tired of the topic. just last week i did a shoot with an amazing girl that brought so much new excitement into my vision, i was literally blown away by how new someone else’s energy and creative spirit can make what seems like an old project become. here is my issue though. i’m tired.

i’m backlogged on editing and i’ve lost my fervor for finishing editing one shoot before doing another new shoot. i’ve got stacks of unfinished sets right now and i have new shoots scheduled all the way into October. plus, the two most recent shoots i did i shot more exposures than i’ve ever taken before. clearly, i’m at a crossroads of where i could put the camera away, stop shooting, and either finish what i’ve started, or go onto something entirely new and different.

are two photo books enough for this project? maybe. the bad thing about stopping shooting right now is that this is the best time of the year to be shooting. the weather this summer has been idyllic. people have time off. models are excited and energetic and plentiful. i just don’t know how much further to let this grow. one thing that would make a difference would be the success of this book. if it sold, and if it is noticed by the judges in the contest. it’s too early to tell yet.

so if i were to stop shooting new models, what else would i do? i’ll always remain a hobbyist photographer. i’ll find something new to photograph, for fun, but that’s all. no, i think that if i were ever to become famous for anything, it’s this series of photographs. and to become genuinely famous i will need to shoot hundreds of models. i’d have to shoot girls/women in cemeteries till the day i died. and maybe the idea in this book, of allowing the women to speak about themselves was a unique key to genius.

so changing back to my other creative mask, back to the writer. i really want to write. you know this. i’ve said it here before. i do it here. i ramble a lot here, i know. i test out ideas here. i write crap here. but here is the thing. the key. writing is the same as going to a therapist for me. when i write, i’m conversing with my inner psychiatrist. i get to talk out loud and figure out my problems. for free! and maybe some of the things i write will actually sound interesting to other people that read it. i’m not trying to be other people’s psychiatrists, but maybe in a way, this process i go through illustrates how you can figure out your own schtuff by talking out loud to yourself. by blogging.

so back to Nanowrimo. i’m going to do it again this year, oh hell yes. and i’m going to finish it too. i’m starting to figure out now what i’m going to write about. it’s probably going to be another memoir-ish novella, which is really the easiest thing to write, as far as my style goes. i can blend in truths from my own life and twist it up with embellishments any way i like. what i think at this time i’ll write about is the period of time in my life between the ages of 7 years of age and 19 years of age.

and this brings me to the last point that i want to talk about in this blog entry. my last novella. many, many of you have bought copies and read it and i feel so honored by your respect of me as a person and an ambitious writer. going the self publishing route, to me, is satisfaction enough for my writing. i live in a small world with only a few close friends and your interest and devotion feeds my soul. what strikes me as strange though is that there are some very old friends who have not bought a copy of the book, nor seem to show any intent of doing so. surely it can’t be a matter of the cost, can it? it costs $9.99 + shipping to order a copy printed fresh off the press from the blurb.com. you spend that much on a fast food dinner.

to me, it’s partly getting a physical copy of the book in your hands that matters to me, because it is something that i crafted. it’s not just words typed out on sheets of paper at kinkos. i mean, otherwise i could just put the whole thing up for free for anyone to read on the internet. but what fun is there in that? this i an actual book. every part of it i designed. crap or not, i made it.

and i’m going to do more. the nanowrimo i write this year will be self published through blurb.com again. and yes, i’ll be pestering you all to buy/read that one too. oh, and here is another matter. the reading. i didn’t write a nice little fairy tale of a story about a happily ever after life… i wrote an intense story based on things i really do think and have experienced. and i’m going to do the same again in the next novella.

(okay, yeah… i feel better now. i want to do it all! i’ll keep taking new photos AND do my writing. i could sure do with a good massage though!)