funky town...
maybe i just need to rant a little bit... i dunno. been in a lousy mood today, well this week actually. i've been looking for someone to blame for the loneliness and this inability to
connect. i think the most fair thing to do is blame it on the seratonin. and the fact that i am not high on it anymore. there was a special Oprah yesterday where she grandstands people that she thinks are the worse case/best case scenarios for overcoming depression and finishes it off by advising people to seek professional help "if they think they may be suffering...". i sat down and wrote her a letter explaining my situation and that professional help is not all that it is made out to be. i think the medical professions ability to help "the depressed" is no ability at all. it takes a village to make us able to fight this disease. pills won't do it. certainly better education of those that live with or know the "depressed" is important... i don't know. don't listen to me as i have not figured out to make anyone care about my depression. the people i am forced to live with know nothing and say nothing about my depression. and they do nothing about it either. when i disappear into a bad funk of a depression for a number of weeks/months they just stay away. no queries about how my meds are working, or whether i am even taking my meds... or if i am even seeing my doctor. right now, these past couple of days i have felt more like i could disappear into suicide than i have in a very long time. this whole fiasco that occurred at the college this year has damaged me more than i can confess. there is a chance that some friends may let me stay at their house in Santa Cruz while they travel in Europe next month. this is something that would/could work to heal and strengthen me more than anything else i have access to could. crossing my fingers that they will allow me this blessing. i'm going to return this new phone i bought so that i can afford some gas money to make a trip to santa cruz next week. actually, i might have to wait till the week after as there are two gigs in SF that i want to photograph next week.
connect. i think the most fair thing to do is blame it on the seratonin. and the fact that i am not high on it anymore. there was a special Oprah yesterday where she grandstands people that she thinks are the worse case/best case scenarios for overcoming depression and finishes it off by advising people to seek professional help "if they think they may be suffering...". i sat down and wrote her a letter explaining my situation and that professional help is not all that it is made out to be. i think the medical professions ability to help "the depressed" is no ability at all. it takes a village to make us able to fight this disease. pills won't do it. certainly better education of those that live with or know the "depressed" is important... i don't know. don't listen to me as i have not figured out to make anyone care about my depression. the people i am forced to live with know nothing and say nothing about my depression. and they do nothing about it either. when i disappear into a bad funk of a depression for a number of weeks/months they just stay away. no queries about how my meds are working, or whether i am even taking my meds... or if i am even seeing my doctor. right now, these past couple of days i have felt more like i could disappear into suicide than i have in a very long time. this whole fiasco that occurred at the college this year has damaged me more than i can confess. there is a chance that some friends may let me stay at their house in Santa Cruz while they travel in Europe next month. this is something that would/could work to heal and strengthen me more than anything else i have access to could. crossing my fingers that they will allow me this blessing. i'm going to return this new phone i bought so that i can afford some gas money to make a trip to santa cruz next week. actually, i might have to wait till the week after as there are two gigs in SF that i want to photograph next week.
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Hope things start looking up.
BTW: I've added you to my blog-buddies list