the times they are a screwed up...

the time has come to write this post. all of my pre-contemplative ideas of how to speak beguilinigly, to offer an illusion that i have been in control of my life are exhausted. so now i will write pretty much straight from the gut. i don't know how to say that i screwed up without saying that I AM screwed up. i mean, in some ways i can seperate my self from my situation(s) but the majority of the time the weight and presence of this physical being and it's dense mind coerce me to believe in a "smaller self".

in some ways i'm glad i screwed up at school, this time, again, this way... it's familiar yet it was new. i always seem to make some sort of impression when i come out of my shell and become able to participate with other people in studies. people seem to think i'm a likable character but no one ever really seems to like me. the people over the years that i still keep in touch with would forget about me if it weren't for me keeping in touch with them. i'm a shadow and a poor memory, not a real presence in the physical world that people desire to have around. no offense meant to anyone, but this is how i really see things.

this past two weeks have been so difficult and torturous for me to get through. and now that i have decided to just quit my classes i don't feel any better. and why did i quit? because of an inability to work out communications between several people in one of my classes. i really don't understand how the world has gotten as far as it has through history if everyone is truly just out for themselves. each of the three people in "this conversation" wanted something for themselves and that is all that they talked about. or didn't talk about. there was no willingness to compromise. or at least not by the instructor. i don't know. i'm so confused by it all. i'm the one who lost. i gambled and lost. i should talk to someone in power at the college because i'm really not happy with this outcome and could make a stink. that would make me feel better, to get to vent - but i don't want to cause problems for the instructors, not really. i just want to feel better...

because now i don't know what i am going to do next. seriously, i don't. this depression, which i'd grade about a 3/5 is going to lead to nothing good. i mean, i've actually been thinking about the really deep matters lately... well, i know no one really reads this so i'll just stop.