getting out of the kitchen... and back into my fire.

This life has been one in which i am allowed tastes and dreams of pleasures of love but have been predominately denied dining on full meals. the potential of another experience of intimacy with a beautiful soul has been yet again stolen away from me. really, i am not a bad person. i would testify that before god on my day of judgment - yet there must be myriad minuscule weak thoughts and ill decisions that build up within my persona that makes me rub people the wrong way.

Today, in one fell swoop i've stepped (or fallen) outside of the lives of about two dozen people who i have nothing against, who i actually really liked very much and enjoyed the presence of greatly. but external scrutiny has weakened my self opinion and i no longer have the strength of character to try to fit in or be liked.

My display of magnanimous characteristics was mania fueled, and now that fuel has burned itself out. my normal man, my power being, my depressive and isolating twin-self needs to take control again now. actually, it's not only burn-out but a combination of my heart being strangled, or pierced with a stake. yes, because i am now more of a non-believer in the power of love than i was before.

This is a great recharge for the depressive energy that my novel needs to be fed with though. so be it!

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