why so much need for noise...

The firestorm is starting to blow over a bit. I’m feeling a bit calmer about the future. I made an appointment to see my counselor at the college today. I explained to her before about my problems with bipolar and potential difficulties it’s had on my studies. She said not to worry, that academic probation would not be a real threat. At least this way I can look forward to taking some classes again in the fall semester. I’ll pick up the library tech program classes again, one or two of those classes at a time but I’ll also do something creative for a balance. As for the summer, maybe I’ll go back and volunteer at the library again.

I’m in Walnut Creek right now, at my old haunting ground - Pacific Bay Coffee Company. I haven’t been here in over a year and I was recognized by the head barista right away. I used to spend a lot of time here. Easily 3-4 hours a day on the Internet and writing. It is a great place - a real coffee shop where they do their own roasting and everything. It’s a ten mile drive from home though. Maybe I’ll start to come back more because the atmosphere is very conducive to writing and meeting people.

That is the other thing, the people here, especially the women, are so much more interesting than the corporate/soccer mom population that I live amongst in San Ramon. There are people of all ages here but the spectrum of types of people is more cosmopolitan. You can’t tell what it is that everyone/anyone does just by looking at them but for the most part you’d estimate many are students. Sure, I’m a student and a writer and a photographer. Ok, here is the catch though. I have only on one occasion gotten into a conversation with a strange woman here. For weeks we had both been sitting near each other with our computers and at one point I just started to say “Hello, my you look lovely today...” when she would arrive. And she did always look lovely and dressed very nicely. But then it would go on that we’d put our earphones in and listen to our music and do our work. I don’t remember exactly but I think one day, one or the other of us asked what music the other was listening to. We then shared some music files of common interest. But that was it. I’ve never talked to anyone else here.

This is the same behavior I’ve seen in other wi-fi cafes though. People come in and focus on what is right before them. I guess it is the same if you have a book and are reading, because the people that come here to read don’t seem to strike up conversations with people either. Not unless you are meeting someone.

I saw my therapist this afternoon. Funny how she said several things that were summary statements of some realizations that I had already come to. She also stated some things that were rather shocking to me and I raised my voice to her in defiance. It was a good session. If only I could feel like I made so much progress after finishing a session with my p-doc.

I know I've said this before but I still suffer from a need for constant buzz in my ears around me. Whether it is music or the incessant background chatter of the television in the next room I can't bear silence right now. Except when I go to the cemetery. For a long time I used to listen to goth music in the cemetery to further instill and darken my mood. I don't know why I stopped doing this. Maybe I hit a threshold level of mood, you know, like descended to deeper state of awareness from listening to so much goth for so long. Now I can just walk into the grounds and I'm there. Transported.

Funny but I have not been able to go into the Danville cemetery all that much recently. I have not lit candles there since Christmas time. Cemeteries are oppressive places, I'll admit it. Ok, going now.