ok, but not...
i hoped to finish today's accomplishments by yesterday - so it took longer, at least i did it. i wanted to update the looks of my MySpace page and the looks of this blog. overall i'm pretty content, although i've seen some blogger blogs that have incorporated a third column where they put more widgets and links, etc. couldn't figure out how to do this tonight. got close, but oh well.
more importantly i've been contemplating deeper things. but first let me tell you that a very special thing happened today that made me feel so good. my classmate Brenna phoned me and asked how i was doing. she is just the sweetest person. and then she invited me over for dinner at her home. i'll get to meet her little boy Elliot and have dinner with B's girlfriend Elizabeth too. dinner with friends is a rare thing for me. the only other people i ever have dinner with are Kim and Steve and i can barely remember the last time i saw them. it was last year, i know that. and well, i did just have dinner and lunch several times with Alan last week, so it's not that this never happens, but it wouldn't hurt me for it to happen more... :) i do in fact usually eat alone 98% of the time.
i'm pretty sure i'm not going back to school next week. to anchor this feeling before next week gets here i'm just going to log onto the college enrollment system and drop my classes. i've had a hope and desire of making one close friend for so long, and really thought that this special person that i connected with wanted me too. i feel rejected in a similar fashion to the way i did after Deirdre sent me on my way. that what i knew was true was her main reason, that i was not good enough for her (seriously that was a valid explanation; we were of different social classes). i didn't come to the school with career hopes this time. i wanted to learn ways to expand my creative energies but as always my desire to connect with people is more important. and i did connect this time. that there was one person that seemed to see me more deeply and clearly surprised me. i didn't expect that. i desired it. i need it. and when i got a taste of it i saw hope expand a brighter future before me. but now the door has been shut and i feel like i've had a carpet pulled out from under my feet.
i've stopped shooting photos. nothing has made me feel like this since i started taking photos again back in November. and my darkness is coming back upon me making me want to hide again and crawl back into my writing. when i want just to write i isolate. isolation and my need to write are like a blood disease. i am compelled to write when i cannot communicate vocally. that is how this whole novel i'm creating got created in the first place. an inner burning that needed expression. if i had a life of love to live my inner burning out through maybe i wouldn't need to write. but i don't love and i need to get this fire out of my flesh. not totally true; i DO love but it goes out unmet. unrequited.
so no art show. i feel already like i've lost my voice. just gonna go back inside now. finish up the things i started on my own, on my own. it WAS nice... being with and around you all. thank you for that.
more importantly i've been contemplating deeper things. but first let me tell you that a very special thing happened today that made me feel so good. my classmate Brenna phoned me and asked how i was doing. she is just the sweetest person. and then she invited me over for dinner at her home. i'll get to meet her little boy Elliot and have dinner with B's girlfriend Elizabeth too. dinner with friends is a rare thing for me. the only other people i ever have dinner with are Kim and Steve and i can barely remember the last time i saw them. it was last year, i know that. and well, i did just have dinner and lunch several times with Alan last week, so it's not that this never happens, but it wouldn't hurt me for it to happen more... :) i do in fact usually eat alone 98% of the time.
i'm pretty sure i'm not going back to school next week. to anchor this feeling before next week gets here i'm just going to log onto the college enrollment system and drop my classes. i've had a hope and desire of making one close friend for so long, and really thought that this special person that i connected with wanted me too. i feel rejected in a similar fashion to the way i did after Deirdre sent me on my way. that what i knew was true was her main reason, that i was not good enough for her (seriously that was a valid explanation; we were of different social classes). i didn't come to the school with career hopes this time. i wanted to learn ways to expand my creative energies but as always my desire to connect with people is more important. and i did connect this time. that there was one person that seemed to see me more deeply and clearly surprised me. i didn't expect that. i desired it. i need it. and when i got a taste of it i saw hope expand a brighter future before me. but now the door has been shut and i feel like i've had a carpet pulled out from under my feet.
i've stopped shooting photos. nothing has made me feel like this since i started taking photos again back in November. and my darkness is coming back upon me making me want to hide again and crawl back into my writing. when i want just to write i isolate. isolation and my need to write are like a blood disease. i am compelled to write when i cannot communicate vocally. that is how this whole novel i'm creating got created in the first place. an inner burning that needed expression. if i had a life of love to live my inner burning out through maybe i wouldn't need to write. but i don't love and i need to get this fire out of my flesh. not totally true; i DO love but it goes out unmet. unrequited.
so no art show. i feel already like i've lost my voice. just gonna go back inside now. finish up the things i started on my own, on my own. it WAS nice... being with and around you all. thank you for that.
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that came to my inbox. Forgive me for giving advice where none was
asked for, but I see a repeating pattern in your life that's based on
desire.
As you know from your spiritual background, attachment leads to
suffering. Your desire to be in a relationship with a woman is causing
you all kinds of pain. I've been there, and it "ain't pretty," but it
can be helped.
You have to stop looking outside of yourself or to some remembered past
or distant future to find happiness. It's here right now--if you let it
in. If happiness is dependent on the past, future or someone else,
you're held hostage by it, unable to accomplish finding it on your own.
You may think this is easy for me to say because I'm in a relationship
(I'm sure it is a little easier), but I truly believe what I'm saying
and millions of people throughout the East have held the knowledge that
non-attachment is fundamental to their spiritual and psychological
release for thousands of years.
Without sounding too patronizing, I could offer you a little book that
could really help with these matters, it's called The Power of Now by
Eckhart Tolle. I can also offer my ear and time to talk about things.
I want you to empower yourself and see this "problem" from a different
angle. There's no need to let these lonely thoughts dominate your
identity. There's too much beauty and wonder in the world to let
ourselves get caught up in our ego-identity, or pain/victim identity.
We're alive, we're healthy and we have the power to make this day
forward different than all the days behind us--if we choose that path.
C'mon, let's go!!!
I don't think I can answer this question about desire in one letter though... My desire is simple compared to the desires of the majority of the world... And maybe it has eroded down to the most base of all desires; simply for that of companionship.
There is a photo-morph of an actual image of myself on my MySpace page of what I think I may actually look like one day if I continue down this path alone. I no longer consider my journey to be spiritual. I feel that I have done all the work that I want to in the higher realms of spiritual pursuit during this lifetime. My body can't stand the intensity of it. I don't know man, i just don't see living a long life the way i'm going, alone like this. studies verify it that people that are part of loving couples live longer, happier, and healthier lives.
One of my classmates, when I told her that I can't meet people, that I haven't dated in 8 years said, "but its so easy to do!" I said, "You don't know me. It's like I have to get permission from God to be able to be seen by someone else that might find me interesting, or attractive, or not-so-frightening as to become approachable to." I am hidden from the world already my friend. I live in a world devoid of the pleasures of the flesh.
Anyway, this is all that I'll say for now.