THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

I've written about ideas for changes in my life when the beginning of new years roll up for awhile here in this blog. Don't remember if I've done it every year or not.. I remember that some have been very hopeful with the ideas I'd come up with. This should be a hopeful new beginning after the health improvements I experienced this past year, but for some reasons I don't fully comprehend, I don't feel entirely hopeful, or energetic. So I'm just gonna let these ideas roll out here and see what they look like. One thing I need to do is figure out how to make money. Mentally, I feel pretty good about the idea of having a job. The fear that I feel about seeking work, getting work, and keeping a job seems like something I can finally work through. I felt more courageous about doing this a few months ago when I was feeling really strong and energetic in the summer. There was a bit of a failure of my courage when I lost access for a short period of time to my bes...

I made $75 last night driving a car around downtown SF for some computer geeks that needed help testing out some software they're making. And I got really excited because I had also been talking to a local private taxi company (called Sidecar) about becoming a driver for them. Seeing people downtown trying to get rides was making me think of how much money I could make. But now it turns out that I really do not have a car to use to do this kind of job and I'm back in the black hole of negative options for a normal persons future because I'm back to believing I'll never make money or be able to afford to do anything I want to do in this world. I walked here to a cafe to work on my novel tonight and I can't get my head/mind out of the gloom enough to even feel or think creatively. My son's birthday was on Monday this week. I called him every day of the week but he never answers the phone. He talks to his mother though because she sends him gifts and money and I ...

ugh, i came to a cafe tonight that i used to spend a lot of time at writing, over  the past couple of years. i completed nanowrimo here, once or twice. but i'm not enjoying being here tonight. its extremely noisy and very bright. even with headphones on i cannot drown out the ruckus in here from people talking and the music system blaring. i only came here because it's a closer walk from home than the 3 miles it is to my cafe of choice. seeing that it gets dark so early now i don't look forward to walking all that distance in total darkness. a few weeks ago i'd get home at 9pm and it would still be light out. i need my exercise and don't want to give that up to start driving to the cafe. i had a half thought the other day about switching my writing habits to mornings, but i doubt very much i'll be able to pull that off. morning cafe people are extremely noisy too. i wanted to talk a bit about my new idea for nanowrimo, which starts on Saturday! i could actua...

Oh me, oh my... it's that time of year again, when i get so excited and so focused and so productive, and sit in cafes with my head down and my fingers pounding heavily. it's the time when i'm most strongly imbued with the muse of creativity. and i'm always amazed, on a daily basis at what i'm able to conjure up with my inner dialogue. it's an addiction and it is something that i abuse with wreckless abandon... sadly never ending with sitting down the next month to do a once over editing/rewriting what i conjured up... So I had two chances to write more for my story/novel earlier this year when nanowrimo had two other months of writing; April and July. and i did sit down and started writing, but i was unable to stay focused, and gave up before each month ended. the quandary i ran into was that I was freezing up with ideas and inspiration about how to continue with the log jam i had created with my character telling her story. it was creative failure, for sure....

So I want to talk a little bit about what a day in my life is like, what dayyys are like. What kind of different days I have, and how I determine whether a day was "good" or not. Now I'll say that most of my days are indeed "good" days. I rarely end the day mumbling to myself, "damn, that was a baddd day." I usually feel pretty content with the results from my efforts and activities. But that is in part because I've become as accustomed to the ways day generally go for me as I am. If someone else were to slip into my shoes and compare what a generally fine day is to me to what their days are like, there could be a lot to talk about. I don't have a lot of rules, nor do I have outlandish expectations set up for myself to achieve. This is actually admitting a lot of what is missing from my life.. I generally do not complete many things in a day because there is so little structure, or ambition. Okay, so a successful day for me, in general, wou...

One of the most favorite concepts I got from watching LOST. The character John Locke inspired me in a lot of ways, but I think this one concept that drove him to find himself and create the destiny that ached in his bones is what I'm identifying with the most, today at least. I have a really good friend that knows that magic works, but she does not believe in the ultimate power of magic to really be able to happen and make huge things happen and change. And she's worked so hard at expressing her disbelief, to the point of claiming that power that I feel I have access to will never do for me what I want and need it to do. "Oh, that'll never happen..." I try to let it go at that, to say, "You have your belief and I'll have mine", but I feel saddened by not having a compatriot. I want to be able to unite with someone to create things in this world bigger than my own abilities are capable of manifesting. And maybe that is the lesson that I'm suppos...

This has been a very difficult year for me so far, and I don't have any reasons to believe that things are going to improve much. I don't talk very much, to anyone, so I am not in the practice of benefitting from conversation the way people that experience emotional balance do. The thing that has defined me personally over the past 7 years has been the photography project I've worked on. I'm not a professional photographer, by training. I am also not an artist through any type of training either. Why my "work" has received any sort of recognition at all confuses me. Maybe people have only liked my work because they've participated in making it. Or they've been friends of who I've photographed. The reason I became obsessed with the art I made was because I needed to learn something from it. My project began as a tool to help me understand a character I was trying to create for a novel I began to write. I did not feel that I was a photographer when...