THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i cannot break my addiction to visual art. i need to see it all the time. i don't how to explain it other than to blame it on my ocd-ish type of attachment to being told stories visually. it's why i'm also addicted to watching film stories. does this addiction/attachment/need suit my own artistic endeavors? it does, it can, but the element of enjoyment that i experience from this stimulus goes into the realm of triggering my depression. when i consume art and stories i'm not making my own stories, or art. i know how the pattern of behavior plays out, time after time. when i am unable to do photography, for whatever reason, i obsess over using my Tumblr account. that can happen during a phase when i am fully engaged in my "photography seasons", but have a lapse of creative projects to work on. and it happens during the phase i'm in right now, where i have decided to put the camera away and go back to my writing. several weeks ago i felt it was time to s...

i can't do anything but sit here and write. writing is the only way to get the shit out of my head and heart into a processing machine that will help it all make sense to me. cafes and writing, that's all that there can be for me. there is no other church or therapy group that could serve me like this does. i don't have to talk to anyone, i just have to sit and concentrate. push the buttons and let it all flow out.. i am one day closer to my goal of "Portland or Die". yesterday was one of the worse times i've had the experience of becoming immobilized by the depression. i'm half ready to blame it on the juice fast, but not fully. for the most part, i do not feel hungry during this fast but it still seems to lower my ability to stay fully energetic and cognizant. so last night after i drank my evening juice i retired to my room and sat up on my bed. i did not lay down. but it didn't seem to matter. all that happened for the next 4 hours was me sitting...

i wrote that title some time ago, but never made an entry, so i'm just going to go with it and start to talk about what is going on now. soo very much has happened since December - the time of my last entry. i will continue to say that i have a very good life. i may not be in the ultimate position of joy that i was in when i created that title before, but i am so solid in my friendship with her right now that there is very little possibility of anything ever becoming unworkable again. we figure everything out, just by talking. honesty, frankness, and a willingness to ask for help is all it takes to keep things fresh, nurtured, and growing. we have grown so much closer to each other too. we rode the train together from the bay area to Portland, Oregon (almost) a month ago - 3 weeks i guess it is now! the experience of achieving this trip together was the greatest thing we've ever accomplished. we learned so much about each other and have become entirely comfortable in each oth...

i'm not sure. realllly not sure. other than i've lived through experiences. time has passed in which i've done things. were the things i've done worth the energy expended. sure they were. i lived as much as i was capable of. have i progressed? tonight, sitting here in my room, still alone, it really doesn't feel like it because i have not gained or achieved what i've pursued. and if i give in to these feelings and thoughts for too long, i'm gonna start to do over what i always do. let myself get depressed. not sure how i'm gonna figure my way out of this one, because i do know that things have changed. i did better this time in this friend-making than i did last time(s). and there are other friends that i have, who had for some time been lost, who have come back. i just don't have the one amazing friend that will rely on me like they will on no other for their own peace and satisfaction. am i going to start looking for another? or reconsider othe...

silence no more. i'm sorry not telling you this story before now. i mean, i've alluded to it and given peeks into it over and again during the past 2 1/2 years... sometimes here in this blog, other times in private blogs which i may at some time make public. but now i need to come more clean about what's been going on inside my heart than ever before. i'll still dance around coming right out and saying things clearly, it's just my style of being fancy in revealing the truth. forgive me for that, but bear with me and persist with reading, i want you to know and understand better what my plight has been like. i am a lover. i do love life. my life is not the best life i could have lived but i see the balance of how what works and what does not work adds up to make a perfect experience. we need pain to be able to appreciate pleasure. there is light and darkness everywhere. it mingles and bleeds into each other's realms all the time. is light equivalent to love? is...

And I am less prepared than I've been, perhaps ever to start this month long dive into literary abandon, oh muses of mine. And I don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about not being prepared, or psyched, or inspired... i am inspired and i have a general sense of trust that i will be led into the chapters that need to become revealed about life here in Danville with our unhappy young lady. i touch base here with you, my angels, my beauties, my touchstones to the deeper places where the font of my imagination waits to be penetrated and dipped into... i know you are with me, i know you want me and need me to do this.... so let's get on with it, eh? thank you Francesca, thank you Clive and thank you most of all Eugene. yours, darko

i've been keeping secrets for too long. not writing here, perhaps it's what has caused me to lose connection to my inner flowing stream that keeps everything unified. i used to write here the most when i was most alone with myself. over the past two years i've been engaged with activities in the physical world and psychic world with another being that has given me more of an illusion of NOT being alone, and i think it's served me with less benefit for the course of where my soul is destined to end up than it's helped me. i'm glad it happened, don't get me wrong. even in the least fulfilling types of experiences, i'm able to find some sort of contentment. the encounters i've had with this other being were never full, or satisfying. they were always just a form of temptation and offered illusions of greater things that i dreamed of experiencing. whether my ability to conjure greater satisfaction out of the resources that were available to me was my o...