and now we're back to normal...
i can't do anything but sit here and write. writing is the only way to get the shit out of my head and heart into a processing machine that will help it all make sense to me. cafes and writing, that's all that there can be for me. there is no other church or therapy group that could serve me like this does. i don't have to talk to anyone, i just have to sit and concentrate. push the buttons and let it all flow out..
i am one day closer to my goal of "Portland or Die". yesterday was one of the worse times i've had the experience of becoming immobilized by the depression. i'm half ready to blame it on the juice fast, but not fully. for the most part, i do not feel hungry during this fast but it still seems to lower my ability to stay fully energetic and cognizant. so last night after i drank my evening juice i retired to my room and sat up on my bed. i did not lay down. but it didn't seem to matter. all that happened for the next 4 hours was me sitting there staring at the television. very little if any emotions, no thoughts, ideas, or plan making. i just sat there, my engine running in idle. it was extremely awful. and i looked at the experience as being so similar to how much of the last 14 years of my life have been spent. as if something had been stolen from me, an ability to be able to move about freely and do whatever the hell i felt like doing. as it is now, i feel like i am a prisoner. i act like i'm a prisoner. i cannot stand the power my brother's presence in the house has over me to freeze me and make me feel guilty and watched and judged. when he is not there or even if i'm there just with my mother i am free to move and do things. it's eventually going to rise my anger again and stir me to use magic to push him away, or out. my situation is only going to become worse as the weeks move on towards summer. i think if i were ever really to follow through with feelings of self destruction the only way i'd succeed would be if i acted immediately on the impulse. long drawn out planning does not work and only prolongs the deepening of the suffering.
Portland is nothing but a pipe dream, i have to confess. It is bitter though because now i am burdened with this static black and white life to suffer in. i am not in Portland, where I feel that even though i would still be suffering from the raw condition of my life, at least the scenery would be different and more pleasant. and i would be living in a community of more like minded people than can be found in my current place of resident. i would have an attitude of having a chance to start over again. and waking up each morning would be the prelude to adventure and opportunity to meet new people and face the challenges of becoming able to do all the things there that i have been unable to do down here.
something major has developed though in other arenas. my friend, my soul-mate, she captured the man she has been longing to have as her lover. and she now feels that she'll have access to him through the summer. this is good because she has become radiant and sparkling. she is full of so much magical energy now that i feel like she'll be able to take the energy she was burning up in sadness and loneliness and channel it into doing something spiritual with it. she has always been the more fertile and creative of the two of us to get the magic we try to stir up with candle spells to actually do something. and her recent experiments with spells have been very fruitful. i've asked her to do money magic for me again. she did some once, about 8 months ago and it worked. also, i just had Storm Faerywolf do a money candle spell for me and things have happened. rather insignificant in the amounts of money that were received, but still, compared to all the magic spells that have been done before, SOMETHING has broken through.
i can still say with inspiration and force, that my intuition states that i will have my house in Portland. and i will have money to run the house and to survive in that city. i've had this feeling of money coming to me since i was 20 years old. and i've had so many visions of what i would do with it to create a home. there were the original ideas of purchasing land in Ireland and running an organic farming business, then the ideas of buying a farm for the Syda Foundation in Marin where flowers and vegetables could be grown to supply the Oakland Ashram with... and now all i want is a solid standing old home in Portland where i can cook, and have a photo studio and a room to play my music loud and write...
i am one day closer to my goal of "Portland or Die". yesterday was one of the worse times i've had the experience of becoming immobilized by the depression. i'm half ready to blame it on the juice fast, but not fully. for the most part, i do not feel hungry during this fast but it still seems to lower my ability to stay fully energetic and cognizant. so last night after i drank my evening juice i retired to my room and sat up on my bed. i did not lay down. but it didn't seem to matter. all that happened for the next 4 hours was me sitting there staring at the television. very little if any emotions, no thoughts, ideas, or plan making. i just sat there, my engine running in idle. it was extremely awful. and i looked at the experience as being so similar to how much of the last 14 years of my life have been spent. as if something had been stolen from me, an ability to be able to move about freely and do whatever the hell i felt like doing. as it is now, i feel like i am a prisoner. i act like i'm a prisoner. i cannot stand the power my brother's presence in the house has over me to freeze me and make me feel guilty and watched and judged. when he is not there or even if i'm there just with my mother i am free to move and do things. it's eventually going to rise my anger again and stir me to use magic to push him away, or out. my situation is only going to become worse as the weeks move on towards summer. i think if i were ever really to follow through with feelings of self destruction the only way i'd succeed would be if i acted immediately on the impulse. long drawn out planning does not work and only prolongs the deepening of the suffering.
Portland is nothing but a pipe dream, i have to confess. It is bitter though because now i am burdened with this static black and white life to suffer in. i am not in Portland, where I feel that even though i would still be suffering from the raw condition of my life, at least the scenery would be different and more pleasant. and i would be living in a community of more like minded people than can be found in my current place of resident. i would have an attitude of having a chance to start over again. and waking up each morning would be the prelude to adventure and opportunity to meet new people and face the challenges of becoming able to do all the things there that i have been unable to do down here.
something major has developed though in other arenas. my friend, my soul-mate, she captured the man she has been longing to have as her lover. and she now feels that she'll have access to him through the summer. this is good because she has become radiant and sparkling. she is full of so much magical energy now that i feel like she'll be able to take the energy she was burning up in sadness and loneliness and channel it into doing something spiritual with it. she has always been the more fertile and creative of the two of us to get the magic we try to stir up with candle spells to actually do something. and her recent experiments with spells have been very fruitful. i've asked her to do money magic for me again. she did some once, about 8 months ago and it worked. also, i just had Storm Faerywolf do a money candle spell for me and things have happened. rather insignificant in the amounts of money that were received, but still, compared to all the magic spells that have been done before, SOMETHING has broken through.
i can still say with inspiration and force, that my intuition states that i will have my house in Portland. and i will have money to run the house and to survive in that city. i've had this feeling of money coming to me since i was 20 years old. and i've had so many visions of what i would do with it to create a home. there were the original ideas of purchasing land in Ireland and running an organic farming business, then the ideas of buying a farm for the Syda Foundation in Marin where flowers and vegetables could be grown to supply the Oakland Ashram with... and now all i want is a solid standing old home in Portland where i can cook, and have a photo studio and a room to play my music loud and write...
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