Fallow-een...
I have not felt the October-spirit of Halloween for a very long time. Other than driving around neighborhoods with my mom to look at how other people decorated their homes, I have not participated in Halloween activities since my son was a young boy. This is not because I do not enjoy this holiday and this season. It's because of a lack of connection I feel with other people that I can share the experience with. I don't dress up on the 31st. I don't give out candy. I don't make my house look haunted (it already looks haunted, and probably IS haunted). And I don't go to Halloween parties. I don't think I've ever been to a Halloween party.
So there's that... Contrarily, I pretty much celebrate the spirit and energy of Halloween-ish things every day of my life. I watch at least one horror film or paranormal TV show a day. I love being in cemeteries. I do rituals to heal my dead ancestors. I'm fascinated with gothic art and symbols of death. I spent a period of years where I embraced appearing "goth" when I went so far as to dye my hair black, and I became obsessed with listening to heavy and death metal rock music. I literally have more conversations with dead people than I do with the living.
So why am I sharing this tonight? I tuned into an energy of sadness and loneliness hovering around my aura tonight. Laying in bed watching one of my favorite paranormal shows, I suddenly wished that my best friend could be here to watch it with me. But that's a wish that simply will never come true. Not in this lifetime. (Not with this particular person that is my best friend right now.) I've dreamed for 2 decades of having a close friend, or companion that I could spend my days with, participating in activities together with. But 20 years of dreaming have brought about naught.
I used to write about this desire a lot in this blog over the years. Weird that it's coming back up to the surface again. Maybe it feels bigger because I've intoned the idea of committing to writing here more again, and I just need to talk about something. This is what has come up today.
Will I do anything new or different to try to attract someone new into my life that could become such a companion? Most likely not. I've already tried everything mystical that I could think of to do this, and it's never worked. A few years ago I pretty much gave up on the idea of believing that this will ever happen. The person who is my best friend, I would be extremely happy sharing my life with her, but she is unavailable for such a commitment. We have conversations and meet for coffee from time to time, but that's about the limit of it. Despite the fact that we share very deep common interests.
Ok that's enough blah blah blah on this topic. Overthinking it is only going to make me feel worse.
So there's that... Contrarily, I pretty much celebrate the spirit and energy of Halloween-ish things every day of my life. I watch at least one horror film or paranormal TV show a day. I love being in cemeteries. I do rituals to heal my dead ancestors. I'm fascinated with gothic art and symbols of death. I spent a period of years where I embraced appearing "goth" when I went so far as to dye my hair black, and I became obsessed with listening to heavy and death metal rock music. I literally have more conversations with dead people than I do with the living.
So why am I sharing this tonight? I tuned into an energy of sadness and loneliness hovering around my aura tonight. Laying in bed watching one of my favorite paranormal shows, I suddenly wished that my best friend could be here to watch it with me. But that's a wish that simply will never come true. Not in this lifetime. (Not with this particular person that is my best friend right now.) I've dreamed for 2 decades of having a close friend, or companion that I could spend my days with, participating in activities together with. But 20 years of dreaming have brought about naught.
I used to write about this desire a lot in this blog over the years. Weird that it's coming back up to the surface again. Maybe it feels bigger because I've intoned the idea of committing to writing here more again, and I just need to talk about something. This is what has come up today.
Will I do anything new or different to try to attract someone new into my life that could become such a companion? Most likely not. I've already tried everything mystical that I could think of to do this, and it's never worked. A few years ago I pretty much gave up on the idea of believing that this will ever happen. The person who is my best friend, I would be extremely happy sharing my life with her, but she is unavailable for such a commitment. We have conversations and meet for coffee from time to time, but that's about the limit of it. Despite the fact that we share very deep common interests.
Ok that's enough blah blah blah on this topic. Overthinking it is only going to make me feel worse.
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