scraping bottom...
really not doing well. have a ticket to see one of my favorite bands of all time that are playing in san francisco tonight, apocalyptica, and i have decided not to go. i am in physical pain and feel so locked up emotionally from a lack of anyone to talk to. do you know what it feels like when you go for months and months and months without having anyone to just shoot the breeze with? when you have no one to talk to about how you are feeling on a daily basis, no one to talk to about things that interest you, no one to do things with that interest you... you get used to silence, you get used to believing that this is the way things are going to be forever, you become less of a believer that things will ever change, and sure, you become bitter. you become less willing to be frank when someone asks you how things are. because you don't want everyone to think that you are as big of a loser as you seem to be, as big of a loser as you feel you are, believe you are...
blah, blah, blah, i know...
so anyway, i'm two weeks off of the last med my pdoc gave me; Lamictal. i guess it is all out of my system but i still feel awful. can't get inspired, still sleeping weird hours. they gave me a script for a sleeping pill because my plight of recent months has been not being able to sleep. the pill is supposed to take effect within 30-45 minutes from when you take it. get this. it takes 6 hours to knock me out. and then i can sleep for about 6 hours uninterrupted. but it is not restful sleep. i still wake up in pain in the morning and i do not feel inspired or refreshed.
i see her again tomorrow and i'm so tempted to now ask her to give me an antidepressant. pdocs hate bipolars though and they always say, "but antidepressants can cause you to go hyper-manic..." and are extremely reluctant to prescribe them. see, she has started this intertwining miasma of confusion... if she had only left well enough alone when i was happy and productive. i was doing nothing wrong.
so get this. i joined this application on Facebook called Sparky where your friends friends judge you on the basis of date-ability.
here are the results i got:
42 people looked at my profile. 42 said they "would not date me". i guess i did not expect anything different. you know, if i really am destined to live this life "completely alone" i wish i could live in a vacuum where i had no exposure to people (or mental and physical stimulus) that created desire in me to want to be with people. maybe its time to go back to the ashram.
i guess that is all i have to say.
oh,i know one other thing i was thinking of. right now, this month is one year from when i dropped out of the college when my major depression started last year. one year from when i decided to leave my previous psychiatrist because he failed to do anything to help prevent me from falling as deeply into that depression as i did. and i have spoken here for months about how i've tried to get him to write a letter to help me get readmitted to the college. being at the college was one of the healthiest things i have experienced in the past 10 years. i made friends (2 of which i am still in contact with, if only on a minimal basis), i got up early every day to get to classes that started at 8am, i got inspired about new career development ideas... my photography career began. and i think people liked me.
now i fight to feel good enough about myself to go sit in starbucks.
i have a photo shoot with a new model scheduled for Sunday afternoon in Santa Cruz. it is with a very sweet young women that i really look forward to working with and i'm crossing my fingers that i'll feel good enough to keep the appointment. it also offers me an opportunity to visit with my two friends, Shannon and Katie that live down there.
cross your fingers for me...
blah, blah, blah, i know...
so anyway, i'm two weeks off of the last med my pdoc gave me; Lamictal. i guess it is all out of my system but i still feel awful. can't get inspired, still sleeping weird hours. they gave me a script for a sleeping pill because my plight of recent months has been not being able to sleep. the pill is supposed to take effect within 30-45 minutes from when you take it. get this. it takes 6 hours to knock me out. and then i can sleep for about 6 hours uninterrupted. but it is not restful sleep. i still wake up in pain in the morning and i do not feel inspired or refreshed.
i see her again tomorrow and i'm so tempted to now ask her to give me an antidepressant. pdocs hate bipolars though and they always say, "but antidepressants can cause you to go hyper-manic..." and are extremely reluctant to prescribe them. see, she has started this intertwining miasma of confusion... if she had only left well enough alone when i was happy and productive. i was doing nothing wrong.
so get this. i joined this application on Facebook called Sparky where your friends friends judge you on the basis of date-ability.
here are the results i got:
42 people looked at my profile. 42 said they "would not date me". i guess i did not expect anything different. you know, if i really am destined to live this life "completely alone" i wish i could live in a vacuum where i had no exposure to people (or mental and physical stimulus) that created desire in me to want to be with people. maybe its time to go back to the ashram.i guess that is all i have to say.
oh,i know one other thing i was thinking of. right now, this month is one year from when i dropped out of the college when my major depression started last year. one year from when i decided to leave my previous psychiatrist because he failed to do anything to help prevent me from falling as deeply into that depression as i did. and i have spoken here for months about how i've tried to get him to write a letter to help me get readmitted to the college. being at the college was one of the healthiest things i have experienced in the past 10 years. i made friends (2 of which i am still in contact with, if only on a minimal basis), i got up early every day to get to classes that started at 8am, i got inspired about new career development ideas... my photography career began. and i think people liked me.
now i fight to feel good enough about myself to go sit in starbucks.
i have a photo shoot with a new model scheduled for Sunday afternoon in Santa Cruz. it is with a very sweet young women that i really look forward to working with and i'm crossing my fingers that i'll feel good enough to keep the appointment. it also offers me an opportunity to visit with my two friends, Shannon and Katie that live down there.
cross your fingers for me...
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