to converse, or not to converse...

 I had a lengthy conversation the other day with my best friend about "talking"/"communicating" and looked under the covers/lifted the hood as to what could illuminate why I am such a quiet guy. Well, the one thing that showed up was that I have Leo in Mercury, which states that I should be one who boldly declares my most outlandish ideas... and well, I do feel like I have moments where I do this, but for the most part, as people see me on the surface, I do not say very much at all about what I really think about what's going on. Further exploration under the hood showed that I also have Chiron in the 3rd house, which points to having experienced some type of psychological damage as a child which sort of gives me a chip on my shoulder about believing in my own powers of intellect... I don't know that I want to expound on either of these two astrological explanations right now... what brought me to the point of even feeling like blogging again, today, was a thought I had when I woke up the other day. 

I woke up, perhaps from a dream, and had an informed recollection of an experience from many years back where I found it extremely difficult to express the difficulties I was experiencing, to anyone. There was no one that I felt a comfortable sense of connection with that I could just freely let my thoughts flow out to in conversation. It was at a point in my life when I was beginning to recover from the breakdown I had which brought about my diagnosis of being bipolar, which led to my having to drop out of college... This experience I'm alluding to happened 6 or 7 years after that breakdown and during that stage of healing and recovering, the only people I had that I could freely converse with were my doctors/psychiatrists. I've never had intimate friendships where I could just call someone up and dump my heart out to. (I have someone now that I can do this with, and she and I talk pretty much every day, and she cares a lot about how I'm doing, so there is not much difficulty anymore being able to do this. And it is for her that I pretty much want to open this topic now.

So what happened back around 2007 when I started to feel like living a life in the world again? I signed up for some classes at DVC and began to intermingle with people. To a degree at least. The first class I took was an anthropology of religion and magic class, and the only person there that I really got close to was the professor. There was a young woman in the class that, towards the latter half of the course I found the courage to start to talk to. That was Cassie, if you were to search thru the tags for this blog, you might find some of the stories I shared about her. Nothing really came of the development of lasting friendship came from talking to those two people. But it was while sitting thru those lectures that I began to take notes on the idea for the novel that I wanted to write.

The classes I took the following semester, up at the main campus of DVC was where trouble started to brew. I was feeling more confident in many ways, and I signed up for a full schedule of classes in the arts and computer technology. That should have been a warning sign to me that I was acting out manically... Signing up for a full 12+ units never worked well for me at DVC or any other college. But I went with the flow of the creative energy I was experiencing and hoped for the best. 

And now we're bordering on the edge of where the memory for this story starts to get uncomfortable for me, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to start to dive into this stuff here or not. Me trying to tell this story now, to you, is an attempt to try to fulfill the need to have had someone I could have shared the story with way back then. (And I'm scratching my head right now as to whether I've ever blogged about this story before... It's very likely that I did because it was something I had a lot of painful energy that needed processing before and blogging was my main medicine!

Ohh myyy I kinda just oopsed by looking back at some old posts.... a rabbit hole that I did not expect to tweak my head so much... i used to write A LOT, and a lot more deeply than I have in YEARS. I really used to think my life's issues out loud via this blog and I miss that dedication that I used to feel for this. Looking over the past couple of years writing here, I'm so scattered and distant and afloat in the mist of just doing whatever I want with my time... I used to have focus, and drive... I really miss that. So maybe it was good that I took this peak back - although I didn't look long or hard enough to find what it was I was thinking I could just insert here, to replace retelling the story. Ugh, I am going to have to think harder about this story and come back to write more.

BUT I have crossed a line in the sand this past few days and as a result of journaling (handwritten in a notebook) the past week I now believe that the time has come for me to start writing again. I might have to look at my journal to see exactly what it was that came to me, to share here with you.... ok, just doing this, writing anything, something is making me think more deeply than I have in awhile and it feels good... I'm liking this. and looking back to blog entries from 2007 makes me believe that I was a good writer before, and that I can still become a good writer again...... I'll be back soon, I promise.