to sleep or to burn manically...
These are the choices I'm forced to choose between. And by sleep, I mean either be knocked out by heavy doses of psych meds for 12 hours at a time (and then need two hours to stir out of the drug hangover before I feel stable enough to move about in the world the next day)... or to take minimal doses of meds and stay awake for 18-20 hours before my busy little mind finally exhausts my body so that I'll get 3-4 hours of sleep (before embarrassment settles in that I'm wasting daylight hours away and that I must get the eff out of bed and act productively like normal people do)... which is just an extension of burning the manic candle on both ends of my minds capabilities. I can't do that longer than a week at a time before I crash hard and end up needing 12+ hours of sleep every day for up to two weeks straight. It's an ugh dilemma to the max.
Complicating this matter is that I slipped out of my meditation routine about a week ago. I had just started meditating again after having stopped meditating because of the stress of that job that I had. It felt good to start meditating again, but it didn't take root quickly enough to save or rescue me. Now I don't feel a compulsion one way or another to start. I'm just floating in the sea of consciousness waiting to find an island to connect to. It's times like this that I really miss having the routine and structure that following a guru gave me. Being a lone spiritual adventurer is a real challenge.
So I don't know what to tell you that it is that I'm working on right now. I'm reading from several different books, only one of which I am determined to finish. I'm just doing busy work type things to satisfy my desire to look busy. Less active on social networks, yet still active.
Oh, and the dry season has begun. It's 80 degrees outside, and even though the hills are still green, the beginning of the browning is upon us. We won't have moody weather again for another 6 months. My period of joy from experiencing nature outdoors has moved into hibernation mode. It's times like this that my longing to live somewhere like the PNW becomes really strong.
More later... if I can get myself to write more frequently I'm bound to start telling you deeper stories about what's going on with me, rather than this shallow, surface stuff...
Complicating this matter is that I slipped out of my meditation routine about a week ago. I had just started meditating again after having stopped meditating because of the stress of that job that I had. It felt good to start meditating again, but it didn't take root quickly enough to save or rescue me. Now I don't feel a compulsion one way or another to start. I'm just floating in the sea of consciousness waiting to find an island to connect to. It's times like this that I really miss having the routine and structure that following a guru gave me. Being a lone spiritual adventurer is a real challenge.
So I don't know what to tell you that it is that I'm working on right now. I'm reading from several different books, only one of which I am determined to finish. I'm just doing busy work type things to satisfy my desire to look busy. Less active on social networks, yet still active.
Oh, and the dry season has begun. It's 80 degrees outside, and even though the hills are still green, the beginning of the browning is upon us. We won't have moody weather again for another 6 months. My period of joy from experiencing nature outdoors has moved into hibernation mode. It's times like this that my longing to live somewhere like the PNW becomes really strong.
More later... if I can get myself to write more frequently I'm bound to start telling you deeper stories about what's going on with me, rather than this shallow, surface stuff...
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