The New State of Affairs...
I haven't spoken my thoughts or ideas here in quite some time, and as some of you that know me personally are aware of, a LOT has changed in the past 6 months of my life. Namely that my mother died in January of this year. Yes, that sounds like a long time ago, an especially long time to let pass for me to say nothing at all about what my feelings are about losing her, missing her, and trying to pick up my life to move on... but it's been an extremely busy and tumultuous 4 months since she's been away and I literally have not had freedom of time or mind to begin to gather my thoughts to put them down on paper like this, until now.
I'm not going to go back over everything that has happened in all of the months that have passed in this entry, there is just too much and I'm not feeling lucid enough to think through it all right now. I wish I could have had more presence of mind all the while along the way to have thought out loud here like a proper journalist would do. Maybe I'll start to find clarity of mind to begin doing that more as this year continues to unfold.
For now, I want to talk about what experiences I've just been through regarding going back to work. While mom was sick over these past several years I pined to have a little bit of freedom to be able to have some kind of semblance of a life of my own; to be able to have a job (like normal people have), or to be able to go back to college, or even to have the freedom to develop a relationship with another person. I was never successful at any attempts at those sort of things because my dedication to my mom's needs was tantamount to her well being.
Come stage one of my having freedom of time to try regaining personal autonomy through applying for a simple job in a local coffee shop. What I'm about to explain, only a few people that know me will truly understand why I've chosen to do what I've done. Many people that know me will scratch it up to me being me and doing more of what I've always done, still not understanding the deeper inner reasonings of how and why I just can't do what normal people do. Ok, so I got a job with Peet's Coffee. It was a logical conclusion for me of a place that I would fit into personality wise to work at, an entry level type job with skills that any normal Joe could quickly learn and I did pick up the basic tasks of the job pretty quickly. I even found that I enjoyed the job. The social aspect of getting to know customers suited my personality and the physical demands of the job did not seem to be too overly demanding, not at first at least. My boss gave me hours that started late in the day so that I would not have to work early mornings (I could still be a night-owl!), and I even worked a couple of busy weekend shifts when the store is it's busiest, and I didn't crumble from the stress.
But then this issue with blood pressure arose. An issue I had not suffered from in years, and I was quite surprised to discover that it came back as badly as it did. The only factors I could assume that were contributing to it were the slight increase of physical and emotional stress from the job, and the increase of caffeine I was drinking on the job. I don't know who else reading this suffers from high blood pressure but for me, while I'm working under stressful conditions and doing strong physical activity it's a very painful experience. The day that I asked to be let go home 30 minutes early I was so afraid that I was going to pass out or even have a stroke, the pain was that bad.
Anyway, I've been to a doctor multiple times and have been given a pretty strong dose of blood pressure medication. It seemed to work in the beginning at normalizing my BP, but now it's crept back up to higher levels. I'm talking about this much more than I intended to. I guess to appease the critics that will judge me for doing what I have not yet told you what I chose to do.
I don't take it lightly when I get sick. Especially when being sick interrupts me from doing what it is I am focused on doing. Even more so now that I am getting into these latter stages of my life. I believe that this illness was a message from God telling me that I was going in the wrong direction with my life. That even though I had made a noble gesture by getting a job with the intent of wanting to make money and start a new career and be able to pay off bills and appear to be an upright citizen, this was not what the Universe wanted or needed me to be doing with my time and energy and life. I literally was given a calling to pursue in this lifetime, and serving wealthy people in Danville coffee is not it.
So, about 18 months ago I heard a man speak on a radio show called Coast to Coast AM who is a palmist, or palm reader. When I heard this man speak I knew that he would be able to enlighten me as to what it is I really was supposed to be doing with my life. Due to my constantly worrying that I never have enough money to afford things like getting my palm read, I delayed getting his service until just this past week. He told me some things about myself that I never imagined I'd be capable of doing, but in hearing these elements about my personality highlighted I saw that the things I've been already working on were a groundwork for some major, future projects.
Well, I've kind of blown it in the way I've written this blog - I went into too much detail in the early part and am now too tired to give more explicit detail about this much more interesting part of the story. Hopefully, I'll feel like coming back to continue this story and say things clearly enough for you to understand, soon.
I'm not going to go back over everything that has happened in all of the months that have passed in this entry, there is just too much and I'm not feeling lucid enough to think through it all right now. I wish I could have had more presence of mind all the while along the way to have thought out loud here like a proper journalist would do. Maybe I'll start to find clarity of mind to begin doing that more as this year continues to unfold.
For now, I want to talk about what experiences I've just been through regarding going back to work. While mom was sick over these past several years I pined to have a little bit of freedom to be able to have some kind of semblance of a life of my own; to be able to have a job (like normal people have), or to be able to go back to college, or even to have the freedom to develop a relationship with another person. I was never successful at any attempts at those sort of things because my dedication to my mom's needs was tantamount to her well being.
Come stage one of my having freedom of time to try regaining personal autonomy through applying for a simple job in a local coffee shop. What I'm about to explain, only a few people that know me will truly understand why I've chosen to do what I've done. Many people that know me will scratch it up to me being me and doing more of what I've always done, still not understanding the deeper inner reasonings of how and why I just can't do what normal people do. Ok, so I got a job with Peet's Coffee. It was a logical conclusion for me of a place that I would fit into personality wise to work at, an entry level type job with skills that any normal Joe could quickly learn and I did pick up the basic tasks of the job pretty quickly. I even found that I enjoyed the job. The social aspect of getting to know customers suited my personality and the physical demands of the job did not seem to be too overly demanding, not at first at least. My boss gave me hours that started late in the day so that I would not have to work early mornings (I could still be a night-owl!), and I even worked a couple of busy weekend shifts when the store is it's busiest, and I didn't crumble from the stress.
But then this issue with blood pressure arose. An issue I had not suffered from in years, and I was quite surprised to discover that it came back as badly as it did. The only factors I could assume that were contributing to it were the slight increase of physical and emotional stress from the job, and the increase of caffeine I was drinking on the job. I don't know who else reading this suffers from high blood pressure but for me, while I'm working under stressful conditions and doing strong physical activity it's a very painful experience. The day that I asked to be let go home 30 minutes early I was so afraid that I was going to pass out or even have a stroke, the pain was that bad.
Anyway, I've been to a doctor multiple times and have been given a pretty strong dose of blood pressure medication. It seemed to work in the beginning at normalizing my BP, but now it's crept back up to higher levels. I'm talking about this much more than I intended to. I guess to appease the critics that will judge me for doing what I have not yet told you what I chose to do.
I don't take it lightly when I get sick. Especially when being sick interrupts me from doing what it is I am focused on doing. Even more so now that I am getting into these latter stages of my life. I believe that this illness was a message from God telling me that I was going in the wrong direction with my life. That even though I had made a noble gesture by getting a job with the intent of wanting to make money and start a new career and be able to pay off bills and appear to be an upright citizen, this was not what the Universe wanted or needed me to be doing with my time and energy and life. I literally was given a calling to pursue in this lifetime, and serving wealthy people in Danville coffee is not it.
So, about 18 months ago I heard a man speak on a radio show called Coast to Coast AM who is a palmist, or palm reader. When I heard this man speak I knew that he would be able to enlighten me as to what it is I really was supposed to be doing with my life. Due to my constantly worrying that I never have enough money to afford things like getting my palm read, I delayed getting his service until just this past week. He told me some things about myself that I never imagined I'd be capable of doing, but in hearing these elements about my personality highlighted I saw that the things I've been already working on were a groundwork for some major, future projects.
Well, I've kind of blown it in the way I've written this blog - I went into too much detail in the early part and am now too tired to give more explicit detail about this much more interesting part of the story. Hopefully, I'll feel like coming back to continue this story and say things clearly enough for you to understand, soon.
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