the ramble, bramble of my soul newsletter for today...
it's so sad that i don't have anyone to tell my secrets to other than this blog, and even here i don't confess all (anymore). i don't use the real names of people i'm talking about anymore. so this story i'm going to allude to now, you'll have no realistic idea of who on earth i'm talking about... hmmm, in fact, just there in that millisecond i had a flash in my mind, a soul revelation that made me think that i don't even need to tell the story at all here. what difference does it make. i will just say that something happened in my life recently that made me sad. the sadness of my life has reached a new depth and my hope eternal for new things to happen tomorrow is tainted even more yellow now. i'm going to turn into Samuel Beckett before i know it.
if someone happens to read this, who knows me, and wants to know what i'm talking about, contact me via message/comment/email/facebook/telephone, soon - before i totally forget about this and let it turn to another callus on my heart. i am going to talk about it. somewhere. most likely in private. in my journal that no one gets to read, or i'll walk into the woods and talk it out with my invisible spirit guides... they are always here, willing to listen.
okkkkkay, so what else is going on... i just had another flash realization this afternoon that "I" only have so much consciousness to work with in this life/body/mind, and that "I" am only capable of doing so much. I keep wanting to come up with new ideas about how to do new things in my life - business is what i've been trying to imagine up lately. ideas on how to make money. a couple of months ago i had the idea of becoming a "headshot" photographer. that lasted for about a week when i realized that there is little/no call for that type of work in my community. if i were in L.A. there would be more people needing that type of a service, but here in the east bay of San Francisco, people don't need them AND people don't want to pay. i think it's a curse for artists in the bay area, the idea of getting paid for your work. a woman advertised on Craigslist a couple of weeks ago that she needed some new photos for her portfolio. She said she had a limited budget. I replied, she replied saying she liked my work and when was I available. I told her the end of July and that I'd give her a deal; $100 for 2-3 hours shooting time plus post processing of her images. not out of this world pricing, is it? and now she has stopped writing.
the last new idea i came up with was to shoot high school senior portraits here in the Danville area. a virtual killing ground one would think, right? but before my enthusiasm reaches a pinnacle of brainworthiness to figure out how to actually do it; advertise, get a single first client so i have some sample work to show... etc, etc, etc, i keep thinking if i had a partner... someone that could help with the business aspect of this so i can just do the work. i'd even consider doing the wedding photography thing if there was someone that could handle the business for me. a young woman here at the Peet's Coffee where i do my writing, she's interested in photography and actually has a good business sense about her - i had a brief conversation with her about the idea of creating a company (together)... she smiled and looked a little enthused... i'm getting so tired though.
and that's the main thing i wanted to write about in this blog today. that i'm slowly nearing another burnout. my body is realllllllly hurting a lot right now and i have nothing in my power (mental/spiritual/wallet) that i can do to counterbalance the fatigue that is going to crush me. i have a shoot on Thursday. literally, the LAST shoot on my calendar before the making of the new book. which i only have 15 days left to do, FROM TODAY and i have not even started it yet. there are soooooooooooo freaking many other models that want me to photograph them though. i told myself that i'd take a break after making this new book and go back to my writing. that is what i think would give me a break from the wear and tear on my body. it's the shoots that are killing me. they are so physically exerting that i lay in a heap of muscle cramps for two days after each one. i can barely stand straight any more. if i could do anything to even become able to get a massage once every six months it would help.
i keep thinking about going down to McDonalds to get a job but i immediately tune into the fact that i can't stand for four hours. i can't bend and lift things either. my work as a photographer on my shoots is different in some ways because i'm infused with enthusiasm and inspiration; the work excites me... but many times driving home after a shoot i wonder if i'm going to make it, the exhaustion is so severe.
many days i forget this, and i wish i could do something to remind myself better. i keep thinking of a long life... that i'm going to live for a really long time, despite feeling so much in physical pain and emotional sadness, yet death can strike at any moment. we live through so many, many MANY days and don't die. that we become inured to the idea that it could happen at any moment, any day... when you least expect it. i want to live with a constant sense of momentary awareness that, "HEY, you could die today!" Look around, realize what you have, these moments, no matter how desperate they may seem are a gift. Human birth is the most precious experience in all of creation. And we really are only allotted so much time to breath... the real gift is NOT knowing when that breath will cease...
anyway, i think after i finish this next book i'm either going to do what i promised myself i would do and go back to the writing, or i will keep photographing women in cemeteries. no one (well, 2 people do) even know what i wrote last year, yet. no one buys my photographs... at least a few dozen people bought the last book i wrote. so i think that is time better well spent. i can say so much more with words. a monkey can make a camera work.
if someone happens to read this, who knows me, and wants to know what i'm talking about, contact me via message/comment/email/facebook/telephone, soon - before i totally forget about this and let it turn to another callus on my heart. i am going to talk about it. somewhere. most likely in private. in my journal that no one gets to read, or i'll walk into the woods and talk it out with my invisible spirit guides... they are always here, willing to listen.
okkkkkay, so what else is going on... i just had another flash realization this afternoon that "I" only have so much consciousness to work with in this life/body/mind, and that "I" am only capable of doing so much. I keep wanting to come up with new ideas about how to do new things in my life - business is what i've been trying to imagine up lately. ideas on how to make money. a couple of months ago i had the idea of becoming a "headshot" photographer. that lasted for about a week when i realized that there is little/no call for that type of work in my community. if i were in L.A. there would be more people needing that type of a service, but here in the east bay of San Francisco, people don't need them AND people don't want to pay. i think it's a curse for artists in the bay area, the idea of getting paid for your work. a woman advertised on Craigslist a couple of weeks ago that she needed some new photos for her portfolio. She said she had a limited budget. I replied, she replied saying she liked my work and when was I available. I told her the end of July and that I'd give her a deal; $100 for 2-3 hours shooting time plus post processing of her images. not out of this world pricing, is it? and now she has stopped writing.
the last new idea i came up with was to shoot high school senior portraits here in the Danville area. a virtual killing ground one would think, right? but before my enthusiasm reaches a pinnacle of brainworthiness to figure out how to actually do it; advertise, get a single first client so i have some sample work to show... etc, etc, etc, i keep thinking if i had a partner... someone that could help with the business aspect of this so i can just do the work. i'd even consider doing the wedding photography thing if there was someone that could handle the business for me. a young woman here at the Peet's Coffee where i do my writing, she's interested in photography and actually has a good business sense about her - i had a brief conversation with her about the idea of creating a company (together)... she smiled and looked a little enthused... i'm getting so tired though.
and that's the main thing i wanted to write about in this blog today. that i'm slowly nearing another burnout. my body is realllllllly hurting a lot right now and i have nothing in my power (mental/spiritual/wallet) that i can do to counterbalance the fatigue that is going to crush me. i have a shoot on Thursday. literally, the LAST shoot on my calendar before the making of the new book. which i only have 15 days left to do, FROM TODAY and i have not even started it yet. there are soooooooooooo freaking many other models that want me to photograph them though. i told myself that i'd take a break after making this new book and go back to my writing. that is what i think would give me a break from the wear and tear on my body. it's the shoots that are killing me. they are so physically exerting that i lay in a heap of muscle cramps for two days after each one. i can barely stand straight any more. if i could do anything to even become able to get a massage once every six months it would help.
i keep thinking about going down to McDonalds to get a job but i immediately tune into the fact that i can't stand for four hours. i can't bend and lift things either. my work as a photographer on my shoots is different in some ways because i'm infused with enthusiasm and inspiration; the work excites me... but many times driving home after a shoot i wonder if i'm going to make it, the exhaustion is so severe.
many days i forget this, and i wish i could do something to remind myself better. i keep thinking of a long life... that i'm going to live for a really long time, despite feeling so much in physical pain and emotional sadness, yet death can strike at any moment. we live through so many, many MANY days and don't die. that we become inured to the idea that it could happen at any moment, any day... when you least expect it. i want to live with a constant sense of momentary awareness that, "HEY, you could die today!" Look around, realize what you have, these moments, no matter how desperate they may seem are a gift. Human birth is the most precious experience in all of creation. And we really are only allotted so much time to breath... the real gift is NOT knowing when that breath will cease...
anyway, i think after i finish this next book i'm either going to do what i promised myself i would do and go back to the writing, or i will keep photographing women in cemeteries. no one (well, 2 people do) even know what i wrote last year, yet. no one buys my photographs... at least a few dozen people bought the last book i wrote. so i think that is time better well spent. i can say so much more with words. a monkey can make a camera work.
Comments
You need basic business services, and there are people and companies that do that or set you up with a system for which you may hire someone who wants to do that type of work.
Then there's the stuff specific to, say, wedding photography. You know it what's needed there. Develop a plan and hire someone to do it... someone with enthusiasm for doing what you want done, not what they want done.
Of course, since you do not have the money to hire someone now, that's a bit difficult.
You might have to some low-ball pricing for awhile to get some capital together. At a certain price level, the people in your area will respond; whether you can exist at that price level for enough time is your consideration.
People always say that the worst ship to sail is the ship called "Partnership". I think it would be even worse for artists.
As to the things of the spirit: hang tough. Find your best meditation or "sermon to oneself" and hang onto it. Try to not reflect too much on your pain, because it will preoccupy you and waste that precious time of which we only have so much.
Pain and suffering do not transform into something noble by thinking about them; after time, they will lose their power, however, if your reality finds a better "center" to occupy your mind.
This, unfortunately, is what I sometimes call "the hardest thing in the world", because it means that we do away with the old sense of self, and create a new one.
It means that we come to realize there is a difference between the "pain I am feeling" and the "pain I symbolize in memory, talk about, write about, etc.".
Symbolic pain can be a prison for life...
or a death... and a cemetery.
Maybe it's time to re-work your symbolic repetoire? A monkey may make a camera work, but supposedly a roomful of monkeys are also able to type out Shakespeare.
Be well.