dedicated to someone unseen, part ii

this is turning into another episode in my life of being ignored by someone to the point where i just feel like an idiot for ever having any feelings for the person at all. and what is really bad when this happens is that i start a path towards immortalizing that person. get to a point with me where communication breaks down and i am left in a position of having to answer all of my questions myself and it is most likely that you will end up in my fiction writing. don't worry, i won't ever use your real name. and don't worry, i'll never figure out how to become famous so you don't have to worry about anything i scribble out in Nanowrimo becoming a nationwide best-seller where the subtleties of my dysfunction will become fodder for book-club discussion. what you should worry about though is that i am left sitting here with gut crunching malaise about why you couldn't finish business with me. why you thought it was okay to simply turn out the lights, shut the door, turn off the engine and walk away without satisfying my desires to feel at peace about separating from you. its not that i don't care that i can't have you, be with you... if that's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. but if you leave me standing cold without explanation, i have to answer all of my questions to you myself. and that is where painful fiction develops. because part of the recipe of having unanswered questions is to feel disgruntled. the seeds are planted in a field of discontent. i hope that a crop of sunflowers will bloom, but you have to be a mindful gardener and weed out all the crab grass that wants to strangle your beautiful view.

so back to the story... "this girl" whose images i want to put into my new book, she is in the stage of stupid denial right now. she cannot think that i think that she did not get my last messages because she has answered other, "non-photo book" related communications i have sent her. no, she is just plain ol' ignoring me thinking that by ignoring me that i'll just eventually accept her refusal to participate in my project. what she is doing though is making herself out to be a negative-image woman in my mind. a person that cannot, will not have a complete conversation with me simply because she thinks my feelings, and my work is not worth the effort... i am a lesser being to her. why? i don't want to engage in words with all the possible reasons of what she thinks of me... why pollute my heart with her possible negativity? the thing that is more sad here is that my opinion of her has plummeted. she prances around the country and internet as a wonderful dancing fairy-nymph... but i can no longer believe that about her.

so that is enough of my public vocalization of my discontent with how i've been treated by this person. i'm not going to ask her again. but i'm also not going to talk to her again. i'd go so far as to defriend her on facebook but she is connected to a lot of other people that i may still be able to do some networking with and i don't want to lose that doorway. i have done my justice to her by honoring her wish, and in a way, she has done justice to me by fueling my heart with more distrust in the possibilities of human friendship being something i can ever expect to work for me.

i just wish i could show you one photograph of her because she is really so beautiful.