really want to get drunk this week..
it won't happen though. i have one lame excuse worth getting drunk for. The Queen of England is trespassing in Ireland this week and I was hoping to be able to sit down for a pint with someone to talk some treason. I never argue politics or religion with anyone. well, i never argue anything with anyone. That would require acquaintances to carry on conversations with. I feel wells of discontent in my belly about the epic event happening in Ireland this week though. If I had continued to live in Ireland over the past 30 years I think I may have become a political discontent of some sort. Even if it would only have been through my writing. I hate what the British have done to the Irish people for nearly 800 years now. When I found out a few months ago that my family heritage actually descends from British royalty and that it's unknown whether I have any Irish blood in me at all, it gave me a new sense of desire to be a retroactively repentant soldier eager to do whatever I could to make amends for the sins of my forefathers. Regardless, i don't know a soul to go to the pub with to get into a conversation about all of this with. the newsworthy matters of the queen daring to come into a land where her forefathers caused terror and destruction upon generations and generations of innocent Irishmen, women and children. and i can't stir up my emotions enough sitting her alone. You need to interchange ideas when you want to stir up treason. And you need alcohol to loosen the tongue.
The other reason i want to drink myself drunk this week is partly hidden in the preceding paragraphs arguments. Its the core issue. Not the queen. But that I don't have anyone that I can get into an argument with. Or a discussion. Or a passing exchange of words on the street corner making predictions about the weather. See, i'm drying up my voice. From disuse. You go 6 months without having regular conversation a momentum starts to build up about no longer desiring to talk, no longer feeling able to talk and it gets to the point where you forget what your voice sounds like. And how to make words. Or to put words together into comprehensible sentences. The more sad thing is that each year that goes by in which you do not keep up the practice of nurturing friendships, the concept of friendships becomes more mythical than realistic. it used to be a desire to be known and to be wanted, but it doesn't take long for it to die out and you cross a line where it no longer has any bite, the desire to partake in social activities. to have friends. to be a friend. to talk, to listen, or to even care.
This came to a head just yesterday. I had an appointment to see my psychiatrist at 4pm and 30 minutes had passed sitting waiting in the waiting room for my doctor to come collect me. That has never happened before. Never had to wait longer than 15 minutes before, which seemed bearable. 30 minutes seemed ridiculous, especially when no one in the office apologizes for the delay. Ok, so here is what the crux i had to deal with was. in the time i sat there waiting for her to come collect me it occurred to me that i had no idea of what it was i would say to her. Our past conversations had started to become less and less interesting, and less potent in their scrutiny of how my mental condition actually is. I think my doctor has some sort of fascination about me in my ways of being busy and keeping out of troubles because of my artistic projects, and i don't give her too much information to make her think that i am more sick than i am because that's when she starts insisting that i need extra medications.
in that period after the 15 minute waiting mark yesterday i started to feel both frustration and panic and i felt an urge to quickly sneak out of the place without saying a word. and as soon as there was a distraction that took the office people's attention off of me i stood up and walked out the door. within 10 minutes my phone was ringing. the doctor. i didn't answer. she was going to be all begging apologetic telling me to come back. but i was angry with her and i was hurt, and i didn't have words. i felt unable to talk. the darkness in my forehead had fallen down over my face and hid my mouth and tied my tongue inside. i couldn't talk to her if she hit me with a stick.
end of that now. on to something else. i'm tired of something else that has been draining energy of my soul from me for a very, very long time. i keep having this imagination that one day i'm going to receive a large amount of money from god/universe via the lottery. and i always have this explanation in my mind of what i would do with the money. of course there are certain essential things; pay off all of my debts, buy my mom a new house, by myself a new car... but i also always have this fantasy idea that there is a woman in the offings that will suddenly become interested in me and want to spend time with me. thing is, i am the one responsible for creating this fantasy - a breaking point fantasy that i think may be a key reason that i have NOT received this money from God/Universe yet. i've created a leak in my container. a leak in my heart. my heart has a crack in it, a break, it's broken from bad love in the past and i think that love of a woman can heal it again. and that the only way that i can attract a women to myself is if i had money. because certainly for over 13 years now i have not been able to attract a woman to my life on the quality of my own personality. so this is what makes me think that aside from the problems with my personality that cause me inability to attract women, my thought that if i have money i'll attract women is faulty and will cause me to not attract the money i want/need.
i have to take the element of spending money on a woman out of my equation for attracting money. this is also partly based on the premise that any women i have come in anyway friendly with over the past decade, who i fantasized attracting to me with money, never treated me decently as a man in the first place. so why should i be falsely kind to them. they would be unable to love me back as a person.
Sooo, this gives me a new realization today. that i have to stop thinking about ever attracting a woman to myself, in my life, for any reason. that there are reasons despite wanting to attract a woman that i can have and use money for. as a single man. i can pay off my debts. i can buy my mother a new house. and then i can do things for myself. i can do the travelling i want. and i do not want to drag along a woman that only wants to come with me because i have money. i can hire a managing assistant to do the business end of my photography projects for me. i can stop thinking that i have to attract a lover or a wife to do that work for me. i just need money to be able to hire someone qualified and never have any sort of romantic desires or attractions to them. really, i think this may be a genius bit of understanding going on here. that if i can finally quit thinking that i am incomplete and that i have to be in love with someone to be able to live a complete life, that now i will be able to start living a full life. a fully empowered life.
and that now i can open the doorways for that fortune to come to me. because i no longer believe that i have to spend it on someone to get them to love me. what i will need to do though is find a charity to give some of the money to. because we all know that lottery winners that do not give away a majority of their winnings away end up being destroyed by that instant wealth. i will start to give this some thought. maybe i could become a kickstarter type philanthropist.
that is all.
The other reason i want to drink myself drunk this week is partly hidden in the preceding paragraphs arguments. Its the core issue. Not the queen. But that I don't have anyone that I can get into an argument with. Or a discussion. Or a passing exchange of words on the street corner making predictions about the weather. See, i'm drying up my voice. From disuse. You go 6 months without having regular conversation a momentum starts to build up about no longer desiring to talk, no longer feeling able to talk and it gets to the point where you forget what your voice sounds like. And how to make words. Or to put words together into comprehensible sentences. The more sad thing is that each year that goes by in which you do not keep up the practice of nurturing friendships, the concept of friendships becomes more mythical than realistic. it used to be a desire to be known and to be wanted, but it doesn't take long for it to die out and you cross a line where it no longer has any bite, the desire to partake in social activities. to have friends. to be a friend. to talk, to listen, or to even care.
This came to a head just yesterday. I had an appointment to see my psychiatrist at 4pm and 30 minutes had passed sitting waiting in the waiting room for my doctor to come collect me. That has never happened before. Never had to wait longer than 15 minutes before, which seemed bearable. 30 minutes seemed ridiculous, especially when no one in the office apologizes for the delay. Ok, so here is what the crux i had to deal with was. in the time i sat there waiting for her to come collect me it occurred to me that i had no idea of what it was i would say to her. Our past conversations had started to become less and less interesting, and less potent in their scrutiny of how my mental condition actually is. I think my doctor has some sort of fascination about me in my ways of being busy and keeping out of troubles because of my artistic projects, and i don't give her too much information to make her think that i am more sick than i am because that's when she starts insisting that i need extra medications.
in that period after the 15 minute waiting mark yesterday i started to feel both frustration and panic and i felt an urge to quickly sneak out of the place without saying a word. and as soon as there was a distraction that took the office people's attention off of me i stood up and walked out the door. within 10 minutes my phone was ringing. the doctor. i didn't answer. she was going to be all begging apologetic telling me to come back. but i was angry with her and i was hurt, and i didn't have words. i felt unable to talk. the darkness in my forehead had fallen down over my face and hid my mouth and tied my tongue inside. i couldn't talk to her if she hit me with a stick.
end of that now. on to something else. i'm tired of something else that has been draining energy of my soul from me for a very, very long time. i keep having this imagination that one day i'm going to receive a large amount of money from god/universe via the lottery. and i always have this explanation in my mind of what i would do with the money. of course there are certain essential things; pay off all of my debts, buy my mom a new house, by myself a new car... but i also always have this fantasy idea that there is a woman in the offings that will suddenly become interested in me and want to spend time with me. thing is, i am the one responsible for creating this fantasy - a breaking point fantasy that i think may be a key reason that i have NOT received this money from God/Universe yet. i've created a leak in my container. a leak in my heart. my heart has a crack in it, a break, it's broken from bad love in the past and i think that love of a woman can heal it again. and that the only way that i can attract a women to myself is if i had money. because certainly for over 13 years now i have not been able to attract a woman to my life on the quality of my own personality. so this is what makes me think that aside from the problems with my personality that cause me inability to attract women, my thought that if i have money i'll attract women is faulty and will cause me to not attract the money i want/need.
i have to take the element of spending money on a woman out of my equation for attracting money. this is also partly based on the premise that any women i have come in anyway friendly with over the past decade, who i fantasized attracting to me with money, never treated me decently as a man in the first place. so why should i be falsely kind to them. they would be unable to love me back as a person.
Sooo, this gives me a new realization today. that i have to stop thinking about ever attracting a woman to myself, in my life, for any reason. that there are reasons despite wanting to attract a woman that i can have and use money for. as a single man. i can pay off my debts. i can buy my mother a new house. and then i can do things for myself. i can do the travelling i want. and i do not want to drag along a woman that only wants to come with me because i have money. i can hire a managing assistant to do the business end of my photography projects for me. i can stop thinking that i have to attract a lover or a wife to do that work for me. i just need money to be able to hire someone qualified and never have any sort of romantic desires or attractions to them. really, i think this may be a genius bit of understanding going on here. that if i can finally quit thinking that i am incomplete and that i have to be in love with someone to be able to live a complete life, that now i will be able to start living a full life. a fully empowered life.
and that now i can open the doorways for that fortune to come to me. because i no longer believe that i have to spend it on someone to get them to love me. what i will need to do though is find a charity to give some of the money to. because we all know that lottery winners that do not give away a majority of their winnings away end up being destroyed by that instant wealth. i will start to give this some thought. maybe i could become a kickstarter type philanthropist.
that is all.
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